Tuesday, July 22, 2008

What Doesn't Kill Us Still Hurts A Lot

I fell off my bed two nights ago.

It happened when I came back from the bathroom at 4:00 a.m. I must have thought I was an owl and could see in the dark. I leaned the crutches up against my dresser and sat on the edge of the bed.

That has satin sheets on it.

My butt hit the edge of the mattress but not enough of the edge to keep me from plummeting onto a power strip with extension cords in it. As I started to fall I pulled on the emergency brake, the wall, but soon realized the futility of that. Now there's a giant cascading hand print where it used to be clean. It would've been an excellent time to be drunk. When I first moved to New York I fell down a huge staircase at Xenon. When I landed, a crowd formed. They thought I had knocked myself out until I looked up and said, "OhmyGod I didn't even spill my drink!"

As I fell my butt hit the lower part of the bed frame and I ended up with part of my torso in a wastepaper basket I put by my bed before the surgery. People in the building down the street woke up from the sound of me crash landing. And sure, NOW it's funny.

I'm so sore. Thank God I was wearing the boot because I have no idea what would have happened if I hadn't. And I'm so over the boot that I take it off a LOT. Mercifully I had worn it to bed.

I hate having to get up in the middle of the night to pee. Even without crutches. As an insomniac, I always risk waking up just a tad more than I'd like and then if that happens I could be up until next March. If I was able to walk to a store, I swear I'd get Depends. When I was in India they had to give me one for reasons I don't remember due to morphine but IT WAS THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE. I wouldn't have traded having sex with George Clooney for that Depends. Sadly, I begged them for one the next day. I didn't get one and my nurses were not amused. Neither was I.

I'm over at Uproarious this week reviewing Margaret Cho and the second season winner of Last Comic Standing, John Heffron.

And now to all the commenters from yesterday. How kind are you guys? Beckie, I'd love to read Such A Pretty Fat. Email me so I can send you my address. And two nurses weigh in, gm and Heather and neither of them here in LA where I could force them into going next door to the Druggertons and stealing his painkillers for me. Please send me Dead Civil War soldiers (the perfect age for me) and yes I'll take anything from Georgia and Merecat, you have no idea how I'd kill for a giant Diet Pepsi. And Mrs. K, no I haven't tried the great idea you had about the shower and McLoserstene is always gone these days and everyone else I'm sorry I didn't link you because I'm not feeling all Mrs. Art Linkalotter today. But you all rock except Prinny. AND SHE KNOWS WHY SHE DOESN'T.

End of chat.


  1. Beckie12:23 PM

    You've got mail! I tried not to sound too um...wacko. But I'm from Connecticut - so I was doomed from the start. I forgot to write in the email to be sure to reply with anything else east coast specific you'd like besides the book.

  2. Beckie12:23 PM

    You've got mail! I tried not to sound too um...wacko. But I'm from Connecticut - so I was doomed from the start. I forgot to write in the email to be sure to reply with anything else east coast specific you'd like besides the book.

  3. Anonymous1:34 PM

    I get up to pee at night every single night- and have stubbed my toe several times on the same part of the bed...you'd think i would have it figured out by now.

  4. Well that is just horrible! I am glad to hear that you were wearing your boot though, what a good patient.
    I take Lunesta and still have to get up during the night to pee, usually more than once.
    I hope your soreness goes away soon.

  5. I've had a satin sheet accident as well. Those bastards should come with a warning.

  6. Oh sheesh Suzy, I hope you are okay.

    Jason fell off the bed the other night. Then he just stayed there.

    It was very funny in it's own way.

  7. OK, now I'm starting to feel a little sorry for you. Why don't the LA comic cunts (both boyz and girlz) bundle you up and take you down to the Improv for a good long rant? Hell, I'd pay to hear that and I haven't paid to see another comic since WFL.

  8. Have you ever considered getting one of those training potties?

    ::takes off running to avoid getting beaten::

  9. "But you all rock except Prinny. AND SHE KNOWS WHY SHE DOESN'T."

    You misspelled especially and does. Unusual for you, is your spell check broken?

    Rocking Prinny! xxxx


  10. Ok, now I have to go check out your John Heffron review. He's the last guy who won that show who was actually funny, IMO. Saw him in Sacramento, and he was awesome.

  11. How demoralizing. When I fall like that, I feel so insulted. Then I'm embarassed for myself for getting insulted by an inanimate object. Then I feel stupid for being embarassed in front of no one. Geez. I'm pretty fucked up when I think about it.

    Sorry about the fall. As we say in our house, "Ohhhhh! That was a bummer, wasn't it, baby?"

  12. Suzy, maybe you should switch to polyester / cotton blend sheets... plus they don't wrinkle. But I know they are not fun. If I were out there I would help you tidy up your place... because I like to clean (personal problem). Somehow the fates conspired...and you had your boot on!

  13. Insomnia sucks. Why is it that the things I find endearing about my spouse during the day start me thinking about committing a felony by 3AM.

  14. Ow, Ow, Ow! Praise Jeebus for Bruce the Boot, eh?

    For about the past 2 or 3 months, I wake up about half an hour before I'm supposed to, only to discover that I have to pee. Since I can't ignore that and go back to sleep, I get up and go pee. And then I can't go back to sleep. (and yeah, I've thought about setting the alarm for half an hour later, but I'm too smart for myself)

    For a week after my surgery, I was so paranoid about someone smacking into my knee in the middle of the night, I slept by myself in the middle of a queen size bed. And it worked!

    Off to check on your other post now ...

  15. I do stuff like that all the time (hence my 10 weeks of wearing a splint on my hand because I broke my wrist by closign the closed on it myself - then first cast free night I get up for my 2am pee and keep all the lights off to not 'wake up' and proceed to slam my recently broken wrist into the doorknob and then as I was climbing into bed fell because the dog was in my spot and the shiny cmforter was over him which was slippery.
    Jen Lancaster is possibly my favorite author. If you want to laugh get all of her books and the Chelsea Handler ones I definitely look touched in the head when I would read them in public