Monday, July 21, 2008

Sucky Sucky Now

Four days sans scooter and the crutches have reactivated the body tingles. Because of the pinched/fucked/missing nerve in my neck, the crutches have aggravated it because my shoulders are now permanently up around my brain. Which I'm pretty sure I still have although there are days when this is unclear to me.

And the day the boot is done I'm killing it. Only it belongs to my friend Tony but I will kill it in spirit. Sunday I was so over the whole thing that I just started walking without the crutches. It hurt my foot but ask me if I cared. This has gone on way too long.

About a month ago I started having muscle aches in the thigh of my good leg. Sharp painful aches that made it hard to walk, even with the scooter. Well the scooter is gone but the thigh ache is still there. If I had this to do over, I would get in the best shape of my life and have an Olympian body and THEN have surgery. But only if working out involves the computer or watching TV. Or sleeping.

There's only one other time in my life that I was this miserable and it was when I lost Elvis, the love of my life. And No Not Elvis Presley. This last four months I wouldn't wish on anyone. Everyone talks about the depression you get from going through this and maybe it's better I didn't know that going in. I've heard from so many readers and from teenagers to adults, they've all suffered the same. I've told everyone that when this is over I'm never going to speak of it again. It was that horrible.

People I didn't think would be there for me were and the ones I counted on weren't. My friends Karen and Carson told me that would probably happen because it happened to them and they lost friends over it. I almost lost a red chair over it because some fool in Melbourne thinks she's the boss of me. (dude, you totally are)

And if one more self-involved asshole calls here and bleats on and on about their life without even asking me how I'm doing, I'll wait until I'm walking and then drive to their place and put them out of my misery. Here's a clue, if you know someone who can't walk and has been indoors for FOUR months, a Joey How YOU doin'? comes in pretty handy. And don't wait for me to finish talking so you can bust a move on your own life. Have a...what's it called? Oh yeah, a CONVERSATION. Filibustering is out. WAY THE FUCK OUT.

End of my rope.


  1. Beckie8:51 AM

    Dam I really hadn't noticed it's been four months. And now I feel shitty for not having done anything nice for you. Have you read Jen Lancasters last book - Such A Pretty Fat?? I'd be happy to send it to you - she always makes me snort laugh. Although you're probably sick to death of reading...Umm...Maybe theres something only available on the east coast that I could get for you??? I'm in CT less than an hour from NYC if there's something that would cheer you up even for 52 seconds that I could get and send.

  2. How about a change of scenery? I can't believe that people would come to visit and then just talk about themselves. Why do they bother? Hmmm...

  3. It sounds like it's "Everybody Can Bite Me Monday!" I'd tell you that someday you'll look back at all of this and laugh but I'm afraid you'd hop on a plane and hit my with your crutch.

    Now, enough about you. Let's talk about me.

  4. Hey, not fair, Traci wrote what I wanted to write about it sounding like Bite me Monday!
    Oops, that sentence was totally about me.
    Thinking about you, really, really hoping you feel better soon.

  5. It is so true that you don't know who your real friends are until the chips are down.

  6. Sorry I couldn't make it to Hollyweird because you KNOW I would have come over to your place and signed the door and cleaned up and fed you and then carried you places. Yes, physically picked you up and carried you! At least as far as the stairs. And I would have actually talked to you and let you win the arguments and everything. But that didn't happen. Maybe I can kiss something remotely to make it feel better - you get to pick the spot.

    Sorry it was Monday today because I know they always suck for me.

  7. Aww, sugar, I'm sorry. How can I help? Whatcha need from the wilds of Georgia?

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  8. Anonymous12:05 PM

    did you follow my advice on the shower and take a good, long one yet? have you read that thing yet? gag

  9. Ok, even though I don't personally know you, I will say it...How the heck are you? There I have said it.

    I am a fan and hope you get back to normal very soon (whatever that is). Since I don't really know you I am not sure what normal is for you.??

    I have someone I work with who had a similar surgery. She said the same thing about the depression. Being alone all the time can make you go mad. Her words.

    Hang in there. I would send you something from Virginia...but all we really have here is old Civil War soldiers...would you like one of those?

  10. It's been 4 months already? Gee, time flies when it's someone else who's suffering. Just like everyone else's pregnancies seem way shorter than one's own...

  11. Anonymous2:41 PM

    Thanks for reminding us that when somebody is cooped up for long periods of time and not able to move out of the apartment, the dynamic is changed. On the telephone we think that "everything's normal" because the recouperating person sounds like his/her old self. Likewise for email. Now I hope nobody else I know becomes apartment-bound because then I'll have to be polite, considerate and thoughtful. Eeeeewww.
    Martha Jane

  12. Even when you're ranting you're hilarious!

    Hey, how you doin'?

  13. If I could, I would send you a gigantic Diet Pepsi right now, served in a really obnoxious glass, with a spiral straw. Then I would begin my world famous buck dance to the tune of "Rocky Top," finishing with some achingly old pilot jokes, and some balloon animals.

    Look on the bright side. You could have idiots like me trying to cheer you up.

  14. Whaddya mean, 'almost' it's mine baby, allll mine!

    Your Boss xxxx

  15. jenn's right...and I'm sorry to hear about the pain! And the pain of dealing with self-involved a-holes.

    "You think YOU'RE depressed, wait'll you hear about MY day!!"

  16. So, Elvis was your charm school instructor?

    Aside from all the bitching and pain and meds, how YOU doin'?

    (The URL is my current masturbation, and it's all in pink, I tells 'ya.)

  17. If I lived in your area, I would totally come to your apartment, take you out to lunch, and then out shopping for toys. Yes, those kind of toys.

    Because that is the kind of nurse I am!

  18. My boss is going through a similar thing. (He slipped on his driveway in March and broke his femur.) Just got back to work a month ago, and is hobbling everywhere, eating fistfuls of painkillers.

    I'm sorry you're in such a sucky place right now, and I'd like to come up with a snarky comment that would make you laugh, but I'm not the comedy specialist here.

    I'm just hopeful that this experience hasn't lessened the awesome power of your fabulous rack. Even though I am MOSTLY IMMUNE to the hypnotic power of said rack.

  19. Hey, How YOU Doin'?
    Seriously, DON'T kill the boot. 6 months after I got out, I tore a tiny piece of scar tissue coming down a flight of stairs. The cure was to go back in the boot, but just for one week. I was so happy to be in that damn boot.

  20. Maybe people assume that you don't want to talk about it or you're sick of talking about it.

    Either way fuck 'em. When is it all going to be over anyways? Any estimates?

    Oh and are you doing?