Tuesday, July 08, 2008

I Hate Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth had some surgery on her knee last year. I read a magazine interview where she was answering questions holding her son Moses, who in turn was holding his tablets, in her arms and hopping around the kitchen on one leg making lunch and scuba diving while doing brain surgery. How annoying is she while I'm still all Sally Scooter?

Look at this travesty below.

Sidebar: And no I'm not talking about the blurry picture. It's a DIGITAL camera, why can't I take a non-blurry picture? What was wrong with analog cameras again? Oh yes, I know. YOU COULDN'T SEE OUR LINES AND WRINKLES.

I borrowed this boot from Tony, a guy in my building who is a man's size 10 and I'm a woman's size 8. BUT STILL. And can we discuss Velcro?
Yes I know it's one of the by-products of us having gone to the moon. Or wherever in the fuck we went wasting taxpayer's money instead of, oh I don't know, HERE ON THE GROUND where the homeless and the uninsured live.

Velcro is all over that boot. And God forbid you take it off and those straps, there are about 57 of them, attach to another strap. Because if that happens, just take some C-4 and prepare to blow it up. It picks up hair that fell off my head in 2006 and there's clearly no need to vacuum anymore. EVER.

End of chat.


  1. Anonymous11:16 AM

    I know you were (as I was) upset that a female (Hillary) didn't get to be the "presumptive" Democratic nominee. However, speaking of the "uninsured," it's all the more important that we all vote, and vote for somebody who just might get the uninsured finally insured (i.e., not a Republican). And I don't have an axe to grind. I have good insurance.

  2. MJ, it ain't gonna be Obama. That manorexic has only pledged that people with children will be required to carry insurance. Why do you think so many of us were pissed off that she lost?

    Again, if she's not on the ticket I might vote McCain, as a lot of rejected Dems are now threatening to do.

  3. Whoa mama! That thing is almost giving you a lap dance! Cuz it almost reaches your lap? Okay, I admit I suck at joek telling! :o)

    I have crappy insurance.

  4. May I be the first to say that you have some excellent muscle tone for someone that has been in a cast for most of her life?

  5. As a nurse that has to frequently take those boots on and off patients, I hate velcro too!
    Hey, we both have pix of our legs on our blogs at the same time.

  6. Bee, that was funny.

    jenn, OMG and just for you I'm posting the pic of the leg IN the boot. S C A R Y.

    gm: Twins!

  7. Paltrow probably just had minor surgery. Not some big time cuttin' like you did! And don't forget that as a Certified Celebrity®™©, she has "people"

  8. Beckie11:38 AM

    Girl - I adore you - I'm sure you know this by now. But holy mother of pearl you need a tan!!!!!!!!! You're practically the same color as the lining of das boot! Which by the way - looks major kick ass. (In a totally different way than your heels will kick ass once you get to strap them back on.)

  9. Just looking at that thing makes me hot. Not in a good way.

  10. This is how Iron Man started.

    And fix your damn link already. I sent you an email.

  11. Anonymous4:14 PM

    Suzy! that thing is fucking huge!! ;)

  12. jami, it was her knee and that's the worst kind of surgery. Better her than me.

    beckie, I am as white as the driven snow.

    denise, thank God I live in Alaska, huh?

    diesel, say wha?

    Mrs. K, Yep, it's hugeomaness.

  13. Thank God you don't have a cat or dog- because let me tell you if they get fucked up in that Velcro it is going to be a serious hassle to get them free. Plus I'm thinking he isn't going to want his boot back if there is a cat strapped to the side.

    Come to Canada we have health care. And Moose. And maple syrup.

  14. For one... Paltrow. Lovely lady she may be, reality hasn't so much as grazed her elbow.

    For two.. The boot! Damn. I thought we were supposed to be moving forward. Damn. I said moving. Sorry. I hate it when I do that.

  15. Eileen, I'm going to pick up all the stray hair from the velcro and I'm pretty sure I could make a cat out of it.

    merecat, that is so true re Paltrow. She's had such a rough life.

  16. I just wish someone would talk about the real issues again. I miss Hillary - at least she wasn't afraid to lay it on the line. Now all the campaign stuff is boring, boring, boring. McCain insinuating that Obama is young and inexperienced, and Obama not saying much of anything. Someone needs to get out there and punch!

  17. Suburban, you got that right. I can't believe America hates women so much that they would rather see an ineffectual, inexperienced man at the helm. Oh WAIT! That's ALWAYS what goes on in this country. I miss Hillary too.

  18. You may have to wear an ugly man-boot, but Gwyneth always sounds nasal and whiny. Plus, she was sexually assaulted by Madonna.

    Sorry, I have to lay off the tabloids. I only read them at the dentist's office, I SWEAR.

  19. Ya know, with digital cameras comes basic photoshop software... GOODBYE DARK UNDEREYE CIRCLES. Since I am the only one in the family who's bothered to learn how to upload our photos, I have ensured my family will always remember me as "she with no wrinkles and insanely perfect skin." And they'll have the pictures to prove it. Muah ha ha ha ha!