Friday, July 18, 2008

It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday!

I'm over at Uproarious today making inappropriate comments and flashing my boobs at the 3rd season winner of Last Comic Standing.

Let the bitching begin:

Merriam-Webster's online dictionary has now decided to charge money for the use of their service. Is this the beginning of the Internet turning on us? $4.95 a month or $29.95 a year. $29.95? Well, this was surely a smart move because the housing market is stable and gas is a steal. Goodbye Merriam-Webster, hello real dictionary sitting next to me that is so heavy it takes two people to lift.

Who is going to win the battle of the box office this weekend? Mamma Mia or The Dark Knight? I think the Mamma Mia Machine was smart to open on the same day as the Batman Franchise. This way they're going to get spillage. Overflow. And really pissed-off men. Men who couldn't get tickets to TDK but whose girlfriend is making them "Take me out, come on honey, it'll be fun!" Sorry guys, and by guys I mean the Hets. The Mos may be all aboard the ABBA train.

The only thing I care about is they STOP running that annoying Mamma Mia commercial piggyback. A piggyback is when they run a commercial, run another unrelated commercial and then run the first one again, all in the space of 90 seconds. It should be punishable by death. I will selflessly volunteer to kill the Mamma Mia commercial.

I've got THE WORST ALLERGIES IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. I've taken so much Benadryl that I'm pissing pink. I'm exhausted from the pills, still have no feeling in my finger tips and am walking with crutches and Gigantor the Boot. Ask me how many things I drop? And leave where they are. If I die suddenly, CSI will be able to piece together the last 48 hours of my life just by following the trail of detritus that litters the floor.

The Learning Annex must die. They got into serious trouble over the Donald Trump Seminars that were held in Southern California a while back. They turned out to be seminars to get people to spend money, not make money. People were pissed and demanded their money back. They didn't get it.

I signed up for a class over a year and a half ago. They cancelled it. Twice. Now they don't return calls or refund my money. Here is what I don't understand. Do they think I would ever recommend them to anyone? What's the adage? If it's a success you tell one person and if it's a failure you tell everyone? Consider yourselves everyone.

Kaiser Permanente is a whore. Remember the nose bleed that wouldn't stop last year? They ended up charging me over a thousand dollars for four and a half hours of NOT making it stop. I paid them $465 and then wrote them a Cease And Desist For The Rest Or I Will Sue Your Asses letter. Twice. It's times like this I wish that instead of going into comedy I had taken my dad's advice and gone into litigation. I could always talk my way out of trouble. Ask some of my previous audiences.

End of chat.


  1. I think Merriam Webster is ridiculous. There are still plenty of FREE online dictionaries out there.

    The Dark Knight will most likely destroy everything in it's path for the next 2-3 weeks. Thank Heath Ledger for that one. The hype machine has been working overload since the news broke in January. Christian Bale, however, is still one of the worst actors out there. He fits the batman role though, being all robotic and starved of all emotion.

  2. I'm with you on that Sully. And let me add to the worst actor list with Charlie Sheen and Kevin Costner. Those are 2, er 3, very lucky bitches.

  3. Merriam Webster online? Really? I just used them the other day and no one asked for money. Am I running up a big bill somewhere?

  4. I had to switch to but they're not as good. I got a pay or die pop-up. I guess Ms. Suburban is TEACHER'S PET.

  5. Anonymous11:12 AM

    well- now I'm worried 'cause Graham wants to see Mamma Mia and I planned on taking Julie with us. He plays the greatest hits all the time and sometimes we even pretend to be the von-trapps - but it's not the von-trapps, those girls from the group is who I mean. Nevertheless now you know how gay my household is.

  6. We had a patient who had just moved from California and she had Kaiser Permanente. It took me forever to get them to pay the bill!

    The hubs and I are going to see a double feature on Sunday.

    The Dark Night
    Mama Mia

    Ha ha ahaa! :o)

  7. Mrs. K, G is not gay but he is from South Africa and I think they're just now getting The Brady Bunch on TV.

    Bee, that really KILLS me that it took THEM so long to pay. I hate Kaiser and their little dog too.

  8. Anonymous11:46 PM

    Lea-Anne from Australia and I too will volunteer to kill ANYTHING to do with Mamma Mia. AND we too have the commercial piggyback... over and over and over and over and over......

  9. Did Meryl Streep make this movie just to prove that she actually could do ANYTHING? A quick death, please!

    TDN will crush the competetion.

    Sooner or later, ALL insurance companies suck rotten dead goat dicks. And then try to kiss you.

  10. Hey Lea-Anne from Melbourne, are you friends with the witch who keeps waiting for me to die so she can have my red chair?

    Jami, TDK. It's Knight, not Night. Although everyone keeps spelling it Night.

  11. Anonymous5:07 PM

    First time caller. Just wondering how the boob flashing went.

  12. Sorry to hear about your allergies and insurance company woes.

    Two of the most irritating things to deal with, and you get them together. A nice package deal.

    Oh wait--add the Mamma Mia commercials in there, too. A trifecta of irritation.

  13. Surcie12:23 PM

    I'm glad Katie Holmes is out because she gives as flat a performance as Bale. I am so with you on Sheen & Costner. I assume Ledger's daughter will benefit financially from this film, so at least there's that.

    A thousand dollars?! For the tampon thingies?!