Monday, July 14, 2008

Men Fake Foreplay Contest!

Remember when I told you I knew a man who wrote a funny book?

Well here it is! It's the new shoe contest starring Men Fake Foreplay , an extremely funny book by comedian and Emmy award winning writer Mike Dugan.

It's the perfect read for both women and men. Doesn't matter if you're married or single, you'll love it. Here are some of my favorite quotes and after you read those, go to the bottom for the picture of men's shoes. And let me just say upfront that it was no mean feat (ahem) to find men's shoes I could use.

When I was single I had nine lamps in my house. At one point I waited till I got down to one bulb that I'd carry from room to room. And it would waste a lot of time because you gotta sit there in the dark waiting for it to cool down. That's why men leave their socks lying around - we need them for oven mitts.

Women have an intelligence network that rivals the CIA. They make the Internet look like two tin cans with string tied between them. I guarantee if you screw over a woman tonight, by tomorrow morning you'll be on a shit list in Afghanistan. Women are basically researchers. Especially in bed. That only looks like a negligee; it's really a lab coat.

Here's another great example of how single men will cut corners. I bought a set of dishes for the first time when I was 32. I had owned the bachelor cereal bowls before but this time I left the store with eight place settings. Because I took a woman along with me to help me pick them out. This should give you an idea of how women think differently than men. She said, "Definitely get eight place'll want to entertain, you know, have people over for dinner. What was I thinking? "Eight meals in a row without doing the dishes." Not including eating the cereal out of the coffee cups.

When a woman asks you to open up and share your feelings with her, it's important to understand that "I'd like to have sex with you and your best friend" isn't a feeling. It's a mistake.

I wish men were a little more aware of the damage they create when they talk about a woman behind her back. The damage I'm talking about, of course, is that women would be much more inclined to have sex with us if we would just shut the fuck up.

And speaking of oral sex-don't you think they should make beds about three feet longer so your legs don't dangle off the end of the bed? Or make your knees bend the other way or something...I've been looking for a bed with leaves that fold out like a dining room table.

So here's the contest picture:
Which one of these Broadway stars do these shoes belong to?

A. Clay Aiken

B. Kevin Kline

C. Mario Lopez

Same rules as always. Contest will be open for two days and you get one vote. Then I'll take the correct answers, put them in a bowl and pick the winner who will be announced on Wednesday. Then Mike will send you an autographed copy. For those of you who don't win but who want a great bargain on the book, go here and he'll sell the book for only $9.95 INCLUDING shipping and handling! And then go to his website and read all his amazing reviews.


  1. Good Lord, I have no clue.

    I'm going to guess Kevin Kline.

  2. Anonymous4:32 AM

    Mario...and don't forget to go see Mamma Mia on Friday! hee hee

  3. Kevin Kline is my guess... it really could be any of the three.

  4. A) Clay Aiken.

    What cinched it for me were the trousers.

  5. Definitely Mario Lopez. That would be answer number C.

  6. I'm going for C. Mario Lopez.

    (from the contest before you asked me to link you but I don't have a blog, sorry Suzy...)

  7. That has to be C. Mario Lopez. And I am sadden that I actually know that one.

    Later Days

  8. Beckie8:47 AM

    It's like you're just making contests so I can lose....

    But I'm a glutton so my guess is C. Mario Lopez (and I really hope it isn't him).

  9. Susan9:54 AM

    Mario Lopez, baby!

  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

  11. I am guessing Mario as well, I can't type

  12. I'm going with Kevin Kline.

  13. It looks gay enough to be Clay Whatshisface. Those are boots, and I don't know the correlation between homosexuality and boots.

    In the end, I will go with Mario, because he looks like he would wear sissy shoes like that and try to excuse it by citing his Latin Sexual Machismo.

    (On a side note, I love Kevin Kline the best of the three...)

  14. Anonymous11:29 AM

    Kevin Kline,

  15. Mario, definitely!

  16. I'll guess Kevin Kline, because I don't know the other 2. Although, I don't think I've seen Kevin Kline in anything since A Fish Called Wanda. I'm that pathetic.

  17. I'm going with Mario Lopez.

  18. I'm with Mario as well. I'm picturing Clay in something more fey. Something that would go with Spamalot.

    These shoes look very saved by the bell to me.

  19. Kevin Kline...and now I'm ashamed to admit I used to think he was cute.

  20. Anonymous10:46 PM

    Gotta go with Clay baby.

    I can see him flopping and flipping his new 'do in these
    pants and boots.


    Sounds like a great book!

  21. chandler in lasvegas12:22 AM

    Mario, Chorus Line.

  22. I was originally leaning towards Kevin Kline, but then someone reminded me that Mario is doing A Chorus Line this summer... So I'm going with

    C. Mario Lopez