Friday, July 25, 2008

It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday!

There must be something really wrong with me because now I'm addicted to the show Hopkins. The show about surgeries and doctors and blood and DYING. It's like going to confession in the Catholic Church. Bless me Father for I have sinned. It's been 4 months since my last surgery.

Then after the priest hears my whining I say the Act of Contrition: O my God, I am sorry for my surgeries because they fucking HURT and I have offended my bank account by draining it. I know I should love Chanel above all things. Help me to find a rich doctor, one I can marry so he can do all this for free and please help me avoid anything that might lead me to more surgery. Amen.
p.s. I'll even take a dentist since he might be friends with some doctors.

I finally took a shower yesterday. No more baby wipes and washcloths. I have a shower that you have to step over a tub to get into so it was tricky. And because I blasted my body with hot water for as long as I could stand upright, it loosened all the dead stuff so now I have a skin carpet over here. When I got out of bed yesterday my purple satin sheet was white. They say the dust in our homes is really just dead skin. Triple that to infinity chez moi.

I could have used this mirror after my shower yesterday. It's from the website Suck UK. God I love the Brits. Go check out their Smoking Mittens. I wish I had had those when I lived in New York and was a smoker waiting 45 hours for the Second Avenue bus.

Can we discuss Diane Sawyer's hair? She's going to be 63 this December and her hair is so shiny. Mine used to be like that but then life walked in and forgot to hand me Mike Nichols as a husband and millions of dollars a year and now it's ALL RUINED. I'm an ash blonde but augment to a brighter blonde. (you can never be too blonde) I read that a flat beer rinse at the end of the shampoo and conditioner cycles, followed by a water rinse is the trick.

Anyone have the map to Shinatown? How about all those shine products they sell now? Do those work or are they as bogus as all the other crap the beauty industry f(o)ists on us with absolutely no proof required? Like all that volumnizing mascara. Then they do a closeup and Drew Barrymore is wearing FAKE EYELASHES. No one is responsible for those lies but they took tryptophan off the market back in the 80's because someone died. IN CHINA. So if Drew Barrymore dies from mascara usage while in China, maybe they'll stop selling us this crap. "Ooooooh, it has a BIGGER brush!" Are you shitting me? Women are so gullible.

End of chat.

22 comments:

  1. you know I hate to admit it but I realize those women in the commercials were wearing fake eyelashes about a year or two ago. Me so lame- and shiny hair? just don't wash it for a week and see what happens :) gross. but seriously- you need to go to a spa and get the scrubbing bath- they have one here it is wonderful and you don't have to show your nips or anything- they cover you up- lie you down on this bed with shower heads on top and the scrub you, moisturize and well your skin feels fantastic afterwards.

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  2. Speaking as a woman with playmobile hair that is neither curly nor straight I am longing for the return of the 80's big hair. I have tried the dont wash for several weeks technique, and can build up quite a shine, but it is accompanied by crunchy white shoulders...

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  3. Maybe you can find some old supplies of Body on Tap shampoo. It has beer in it!

    And wax, from what I understand. Okay, thirty-year-old long discontinued shampoo is probably not the answer.

    Try rinsing with mineral oil. Shiny!

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  4. I have no answers for shiny hair but there IS still tryptophan in some of those non prescription sleeping pills. Not no-dose, but the herbal ones. My shrink told me about them. They work. They also have melatonin in them.

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  5. Beckie8:36 AM

    I use this shine stuff by Redken - it works pretty good.

    http://www.redken.com/products/haircare/all-soft/all-soft-gold-glimmer

    And no - I'm not blond. But I have golden highlights in my black hair and this really makes them pop. I'm pretty much a fan of all things Redken and all makeup Mac. They don't try to hide the false lashes - heck they try to put them on you and schedule your next appointment to come back and have them reattached! LOL

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  6. I have a total love/hate thing with Diane Sawyer. I love everything about her, but I hate that one person got everything!

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  7. The beauty aisle is like Oz- I am certain I am moments away from selecting just the perfect product that will give me a technicolor life.

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  8. Anonymous11:05 AM

    Interesting, this was just a subject of discussion with a friend who just returned from New York where it's all the rage. Apparently the shine stuff works best on thick hair. Hello, if we all had thick hair we could assault it with every product in the book and not have to worry about damage.
    Aloha,
    Martha Jane

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  9. Wash your hair and then spritz it with olive oil. And maybe a little lemon.

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  10. I hate mascara. It's just the nastiest stuff. And if you figure out the deal with shiny hair, pass it along. I'm in hair hate right now.

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  11. Are you actually jealous over the hair shine of a woman under professional lighting that you see through a filtered lense?

    Try a cold water rinse. Think about how murky hot water is when it comes out of the faucet- that shit's all ending up on your hair.

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  12. I had the same conversation about shiny, non-frizzy hair with someone yesterday. She told me she uses lotion. Her hair was still frizzy though. I didn't tell her that.
    I have been using a combo of FX curls and Paul Mitchell Heat Seal. The Heat Seal is to straighen hair but it just smooths my curls so the ends don't look too frizzy.

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  13. Hmm. I have rather long hair, which I wash twice a week, and only at the scalp. I only condition the tips. If you want or need to wash more often, I've heard good things about those hot-oil treatments, but...honestly? I mostly ignore my hair until it's time to add more blue.

    I failed Girl 101 and can't style worth a damn, and I almost blinded myself when I tried to put mascara on, so I don't do makeup either...so hopefully someone else has a useable answer for you.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K (the blathering, tonight)

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  14. My daughter has thick, curly hair with natural highlights to die for. We have discovered that Totally Twisted works great for making her curls bouncy and that Sunsilk has a line of Hairapy products that perform a variety of functions. She uses their anti-frizz stuff and it looks fantastic. Where was all this stuff when I was a miserable-looking teenager?

    And best of all, it's all very cheap - 3-5 dollar a bottle. Don't let the salons sell you the 20-dollar crap. This stuff works really well!

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  15. Anonymous6:59 AM

    Having done a 'Gee your hair smells terrific' deal way back,
    and being blonde, I can safely
    say the beer rinse is for brunette
    hair.

    Blondes- chamomile tea - :) yeppers. Works really well.

    Also, I've been using bio-silk
    therapy and highly recommend that,
    too.

    Smells fantastic, and makes your
    hair all Diane Saywer-like and
    I just turned 50. (again).

    Lemon juice used to work really well, but I haven't used it for
    years. I think after my one
    Lemon-Go-Lightly - (was that what it was called ? ) the one that
    made your hair orange, ? I stayed
    away from all those products.

    Try the chamomile in a rinse,
    and the bio-silk therapy.


    Kate

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  16. I simply sold my soul to the devil for my shiny locks! I think it's a pretty fair deal.

    I'm pretty sure Diane Sawyer did the same, but she got a better deal. She must have a better agent than I do.

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  17. My mom uses a shine thing from Nexxus but I can't remember the name.
    I heard the same thing about chamomile tea. They say anybody can use it to bring out their natural highlights.

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  18. I neglected to mention I have straight, thin hair that used to be shiny and now is semi-shiny so I'm going to try the tea, (i've tried the lemon)the Redken and Nexxus shine stuff and the bio silk. Because of the surgery, I was washing my hair every 7 or 8 days. When you don't leave your house, your hair doesn't get dirty.

    Straight hair is easier to get a shine on but back in the day, guys who used to cruise me at bars always asked the same question, "Can I touch your hair?" Even though I no longer go to bars, men now ask, "Can I have your credit card?"

    They say Diane Sawyer's hair secrets are some of the best kept secrets in show biz. The products she uses have not been released to the press by her hair people. FUCKERS!

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  19. P.S. I never ever blow dry my hair.

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  20. I've got the curly hair that never shines. When I turned 50 I said Screw It. I've wasted too many years and WAY too many $$ on my hair.
    So now it's long and grey and I use the Totally Twisted products and let my curly freak flag fly.
    Life's too short to chase the shine. Or whatever else the wealthy are chasing and catching these days.

    I get away with it because I'm an old hippie.

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  21. surcie7:17 AM

    I don't have any hair tips for you, but I have seen this informercial for the WEN Healthy Hair Care System by Chaz Dean approximately 142 times. He creeps me out for some reason. And the big-name celeb host is Melissa Gilbert. She's attractive enough, but I just don't think of hair when I think of her. Apparently the stuff is made of herbs and contains no harsh chemicals. But there is no lather and I need lather. Lots and lots of lather.

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