Giving Away Ganesh

This little statue of Ganesh is 3 inches high. I should say WAS 3 inches high because I gave him away. I bought him in the lobby of the Best Western in Mumbai, India in 2006 and have kept him in my car since then. Ganesh is a Hindu God known for *removing obstacles* and seeing him riding in my ashtray always made me feel safe. Whenever I had my car washed I put him in my purse until I got my car back. He was made of wood and garishly painted, probably cost me about 35 rupees. Tops. At the time 110 rupees was worth $1.10. Life in India is cheap, even in the gift shops.

I took this picture of him and then gave him to Mimi's daughter when Mimi lay dying in the hospital. At that point I felt so helpless it was all I could do.

I drove home from Santa Monica the weekend of July 9th as Mimi was being prepared for organ donation. In West Hollywood I was rear-ended by a car. No one was hurt so I let the young driver off the hook since my car had minimal damage. It's a 1998 Ford so I didn't think an extra ding on the bumper was going to bring down its current Blue Book value of $8.96.

I went to Mimi's memorial last Monday, the 23rd. I changed from the pair of Keen's I normally wear, unattractive, backless scary looking shoes I bought after my ankle surgery four years ago, to a pair of lovely Steve Madden pony skin loafers. Flats!! I drove to Santa Monica, about forty five minutes away, walked the five minutes from the garage to the memorial site, sat for two hours, walked back to my car, drove home.

The next morning I woke up and my right foot hurt. The right foot that was cut to bits by Dr. Cruel and his house of pain back in 2008.

Don't fuck with my foot because my foot's hardware can kick your foot's ass:

I went to Urgent Care over the weekend and I have a stress fracture on my 3rd distal, the bony part of the foot's skeleton that connects my third toe to the rest of my foot. I'm in a black walking boot, no pony skin. Definitely not Chanel.

Which brings me back to Ganesh. When I gave him away I had a few twinges of Uh-oh, Ganesh Is Gone. Will I be safe or more importantly will I FEEL safe? I dismissed the thoughts immediately because I know how powerful thoughts are.

Thoughts become things. BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU THINK.

I hope Ganesh wasn't paying me back for riding in my ashtray all those years.

It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday!

How is it possible that it hasn't even been TWO weeks since my surgery and yet by my calculations I've been unable to walk since 1978 B.C.

I went to the Doctor on Wednesday instead of on the Monday they needed me to be there. I need 3 people to help me down the stairs and 3 people to help me back up so that means 6 skeds to coordinate. I had a definite 3 to take me down, a definite 2 to bring me back up and 3 more on standby. No, this isn't a pain in the ass AT ALL. Let's do it every day until I have no friends left. That should take about a week. And that's including the Vicodin Gift Baskets.

This is my Doctor holding up my x-ray as I turned my head away.

"Here, look at it."
"I can't, I have x-rays like that of my entire body and I can't look at any more."
"Just look."
"No."
"Once."
"NO!"
"It looks good, you're healing well."
"I'm NOT looking."
"Fine."

He removed the x-ray from sight and then when I turned my head back waved it front of my face and said "wooooohooooowooooohooooo."

I wanted to be mad but come on, that shit is FUNNY.

If you're a Quease Monster skim past this x-ray LIKE I TRIED TO DO at Dr. Agony's House of Pain.

What can we learn from the photo below?

1. I don't clean my mirrors
2. I like the color red
3. I have tape burn above my right knee towards the back where the doctors taped me to the outside of Challenger.

THANKS TO THESE PEOPLE FOR THE LAST WEEK: 1. McLoserstene for she knows what and has to do with Jell-O.
2. Martha Jane for the $25 in singles and fives she sent me in case I needed to tip anyone.
3. Green Mountain Country Mama Heidi for being my blogger friend slash On-Call Nurse and convincing me that suppositories don't leak.
4. Carson W. for bringing me roses from her garden and driving me to Dr. Cruel's House of Pain.
5. Chase Masterson for helping me get up and down stairs.
6. James Kerwin for helping me get up and down stairs and for being concerned he would hurt me.
7. Irma Slimko for the beautiful daffodils and for sprucing up my indoor and outdoor plants.
8. Burlesque for emptying my recycling and bringing me her Monkey Dog to play with. And for not leaving my side at the hospital until she was 5 seconds from donning a gown and mask herself.
9. Sam for being big and strong and putting up with Dr. Torture's House of Pain.
10. Nikki for understanding what girls have to do to hide the booty.
11. My male comedian friends who called here and accused me of screening.
12. And lastly Prinnoi, who kept praying I'd die so she could have my red leather chair.

End of chat.