Thursday, August 19, 2010

Why The Internet Is Really Stupid

I was going to publish this list and not point out the errors. But then I felt bad for the spammers who might read it and not notice. So I've marked the mistakes in red. Because my goal in life is to help spammers over the hump of illiterate retardation and overall lack of intelligence. While at the same time giving up sugar and hacking into my mother's email.

I found these on the Internet. Some of them are obvious, some I've included even though I can chalk it up to dyslexia. I could've let those slide but where's the fun in not being judgmental?

But they all make me wonder why 'Website Proofreader' isn't the most requested job in the world.

~The Novocain’s starting to wear roof.

~Tampa Bay officials have been unable to capture a fugitive rhesus monkey that's been on the lamb since last Tuesday afternoon.

~When the show originally aired, Chopin was the center of attention and media coverage, having went from 407 to 193 pounds.

~Families are loosing their homes.

~Authorities have ruled out carbon monoxide posing as the cause.

~Singer, Johnny Holiday: Induced comma after hernia surgery.

~White, dressed in a toboggan, scarf and flannel-like jacket, said she works long hours at the law firm she owns and doesn't get much time to shop.

~There have been plenty of pictures of Woods' cuckholded wife Elin Nordegren and his alleged mistress Rachel Uchitel

~I barely hold it all together with hot glue, Velcro, zip ties, staple gun and the occasional duck tape.

~Currently he is charged with one murder in Michigan, which does not have the death pently.

~But five months after their gunshot wedding in Las Vegas, the couple got divorced.

~Presented to you without adieu, Brad's face in 2010 -- Bearded March, Stubbly June and Smooth July

I won't point out what spellcheck missed when I ran this post for errors. It's entirely too depressing, but then again sugar is a depressant. Or maybe that's Valium. In any event, I am looking forward to meeting White wearing a toboggan.


  1. Ummm... I hate to be snarky, but, that's "judgmental" not "judgemental."

    Just so you know...

  2. And how do you know they didn't intend to say that rhesus monkey was on the lamb? Maybe he was hanging on tight for dear life and they couldn't get him to let go?

    I just **love** the picture that makes in my perverted little mind...

  3. OK, changed the judgmental, which SPELL CHECK did not catch. I did think it was weird but thought that since the entire internet had gone to shit, maybe the spelling of judgmental had joined it.

  4. -->I've seen errors with my degree being in pubic relations. What a different career path that would have put me on!

  5. Judgement and judgmental is a pain in the butt to keep straight.

    I bid you ado.

  6. Anonymous4:17 AM

    Two, to.... no wait, tooooo funny, And I hate it when my commas get all induced.


  7. I knew a farmer once who was on the lamb.

    Sick bastard.

  8. Hey, these are all from my blog... I meen my bloog.



  9. With you 1000% on this. If there really was a job title of "Website Proofreader" I would be first in line to apply for it.

    Hey! Maybe Google, which knows everything about us anyway, can separate out all these morons and create a separate internet just for them. Then they can try to understand each other and leave us alone.

  10. I'm not getting the toboggan one. What the hell was it supposed to be? I can't think of any item of clothing that sounds anything like toboggan.

  11. I bet that gunshot wedding was a blast.

  12. This type of thing makes me crazy. Although there is sometimes a poetry to it - I can see whole families working to loosen their homes from the foundations, and Carbon Monoxide dressed up and striking a pose as the cause of some tumult.

    Mostly, though, it makes me want to punch people.

    Also, I had not realized you could cuckold someone who does not have a cock, per se. Now that's some impressive work.

  13. We need a part two to this, because something in me (my mean, snarky side) loves to see these things outed.

    I don't know, superiority complex?

    My fave: the induced comma. I feel like that today and my posture looks just like a comma.

  14. I was reading People magazine at the hairdresser's the other day and read about someone speaking their PEACE.

    The end is nigh.

  15. Hahaha, come on now, it was Vegas. Maybe it was a gunshot wedding!

    Single Dad Laughing

  16. Anonymous11:45 AM

    I teacher friend of mine used to say such mistakes were due to "poor training in the home." I think they're due to the fact that the "perps" are just plain dumb and/or ignorant. But I guess that's what comes of reading on the net instead of catching up on Proust or at least Norman Mailer....
    Aloha, MJ

  17. not the internet that's stupid, it's the maroons using their keyboreds, then posting online, pretending they're literate :P lol

    all you need do is use firefox as your browser, it catches spelling mistooks!

    but then, a modicum of intelligence is still required, if only to comprehend what the red squiggle under misspelled words means....

  18. When my brother was small, he got confused once and called it "rabbit tape."

    He was very small then. He's still confused, though.

  19. a few things:

    1. i actually had the same mental image, of that rhesus monkey humping an innocent lamb like a sailor on leave.

    2. judgmental is traditionally spelled without the -e, but since so many people can't keep it straight, the dictionary has been adapted. that's why your spellcheck will accept either spelling.

    3. "toboggan" is the word they use for a snow hat (like a beanie) in strange places like texas. don't ask me why, i just knew a person from texas who told me this, and i tend to believe her, because why would she make up something so stupid?

    4. that "without further adieu" thing chaps my ass so bad. like, that person looks exponentially more stupid because not only can they not spell, but they also were being pretentious and trying to act like they know french.

  20. I think you'd look good in a toboggan.

  21. I once had a very scary experience with duck tape that put me in a comma. Losen up.

  22. "Loosing"!

    God that bugs me so much.

  23. Duck tape! Ahahahaha! Love it.

  24. Oh, it's not just on the Internet dear heart. I read constantly and it's amazing to me the errors I find not only in spelling but in grammar. Where have all the proofreaders gone?

  25. I read this post and the next bit of reading I did on the interwebz was this: "Judge Hall denied the preliminary injunction Keeton had sort and ruled therein that it was permissible for the university to expel Keeton"

  26. Once the Novocain starts to wear roof, just grab your dentist's balls and squeeze. You'll get another injunction in your gums real fast.

  27. Ack. This post just made me all twitchy and shit.

  28. That duck tape is from my bio. Those damn ducks need to quiet down hence the tape.