Monday, November 10, 2008

My Current Enemies 1

I'm walking a lot better. I know that sounds retarded since I just pole vaulted over a gardener but all in all, I'm walking fine.

But my hands are still numb. Once a day Every hour I'm yelling FUCK over something I can't do.

These are the things I wish would disappear into the recession:

1. Saran Wrap. Buy Press and Seal, much easier to use.

2. Bleach. Impossible to press down and turn that top. Stop buying white clothes.

3. Cutting the stems of flowers. I just got 2 dozen roses and by the time I finished cutting the stems the bouquet looked like a roller-coaster ride. Buy them in a vase at your local store and hand deliver them. It took me 10 minutes to open the box that I guess was meant to orbit space for 45 years.

4. Blogger spellcheck. A fetus could correct more errors than their stupid program.

5. Medicine bottles. Ask the pharmacist to give you the bottles that open easier instead of the press and turn. If you're afraid your kids will find them, they're already into drugs and looking for more so it's too late.

6. Opening jars. Jam, peanut butter, heroin.

7. I can't put my hair up. Buy a wig which I'mthisclose to doing.

8. And the cruelest one of all, I can fit into my old clothes and can't BUTTON anything so I'm thinking of walking around nude. I'll probably get better service this way.

If you have a neighbor or friend who has arthritis or one hand or anything wrong with their upper appendages, don't forget about them. It's easy to do that when your own hands work.

ASK them If they need help opening things. It will make them feel good that you care and leave the door open for them to maybe ask you to help them the next time. Sometimes I would sit up here for days feeling like I shouldn't bother people for something but when I asked, they were more than happy to help. My friends Carson and Karen will call and the first thing out of their mouths, even today is, "What can I do to help?"

End of chat.


  1. :o(
    I was telling the husband that they should give us people who don't have children the option of childproof containers or regular ones. I hate struggling with the bleach bottle so I can't even imagine what you're going through!

  2. Invite me over and I'll open things for you. If only there wasn't this pesky distance between us.

  3. Aww, sugar - I'll come open a bottle, but you need to ask about a week before you need it so I can drive over there...maybe more if traffic on that side of the country is as awful as it is on this side. I'm pretty sure the middle won't be a problem - it's mostly empty, right?

    Is there anything I can send you from Georgia?

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  4. Press and Seal? Gah. Kirkland plastic wrap is the best. Have you thought about a button hook? You laugh, but I've heard they're really helpful.

  5. I'm so conflicted here. I hate that you're having such a hard time but you make me laugh so hard with the way your write about it! When I find the Chuckles, I will unwrap them for you, then loosely rewrap them in Press and Seal for your convenience. Wish I could do more.

  6. I'd help you, but I can't even get the straw in my kids' juice boxes.

  7. I wish I lived closer so I could send my kids over to help. Then we could hang out while they did all the work.
    I say Fuck about every hour here too, if only in my head.
    My prescription bottle caps can be put on upside down so they are not child proof anymore.

  8. Anonymous11:19 AM

    Maybe it's just here in Hawaii, but the "generic" bleach at Safeway -- I think it's called Safeway brand -- doesn't have that stupid cap. Clorox sucks. It's probably better bleach, but the cap must go. BTW, although it's environmentally a no-no, bleach is good stuff to have in case of emergencies. You can even use a little of it to purify water after hurricanes, sunamis, etc.
    Martha Jane

  9. Anonymous6:35 PM

    Hey Suzy-
    I find cutting the flower stems a pain too! Does it really make a big difference?? And roses never last. Give me a chrysanthemum any day . . . Here's to being hardy as a chrysanthemum.

  10. Best post title ever. Because they change, don't they, but we always have enemies. Always.

  11. Oh my gawd I'm so glad I found this blog.

  12. I had broken my wrist a couple of months ago and had a splint that went from my elbow to an inch past my figertips. I totally understand the no buttons thing and as far as opening prescriptions? The meat tenderizing mallet was amazing at cracking the bottles in half ;)

  13. Anonymous7:52 PM