Thursday, June 19, 2008

More Shout Outs To Our Soldiers

I once had a 7 year relationship with a man who was impotent for the first 4. He refused to talk about it so we broke up and got back together about 900 times. After one of those separations we reunited and he was not impotent for the last 3 years. This is why I refer to him in my blog as The Impotentate. My friend Mike used to call him Dick Al Dente. So even after we broke up and remained in touch, he refused to talk about why he was impotent during those 4 years. When we dated he was broke; now he's a multimillionaire. Natch.

Which brings me to the picture below. This is the Army K-9 unit of Osan, South Korea. They are holding a pair of The Impotentate's briefs. Even though he was never a jealous guy, he hated it when I went overseas to entertain the boys. So one day before I left for Asia, he gave me a pair of his briefs with this written on them: "Don't forget me. I love you. Please don't be a whore." Actually I have no idea what it really said but I remember he wrote it in green magic marker and put a heart in red with an arrow through it. During the entire 7 years I wasted with this individual that is the nicest thing he ever did for me. I know; I'm a retard. But not a whore.
Below are some very serious German Shepherds. Civilians weren't even allowed to stand next to the gate. We watched a presentation they made for us, where the dogs rushed a guy and ripped his protected arm to shreds. Sometimes I fantasize that it was The Impotentate's arm. A MULTI-millionaire, in case you read that first paragraph too quickly.
Below are some of my most treasured possessions. Every Army unit is issued a coin. You must carry the coin on you AT ALL TIMES. If you don't and someone yells out Coin Check then you have to hold up your coin. If you don't have it on you, then you have to buy everyone drinks. I was persuaded to yell out Coin Check before one of the shows and the moment I said it I realized they all knew someone didn't have a coin. And he didn't. To this day I feel bad that I fell for that. It's an honor if a soldier gives you a coin and you can't ask for it, you need to be singled out for them.
The first coin in the top left hand corner is from the 1st Battalion 506th Infantry. In the middle it says Stands Alone and at the bottom North of the River. On the back it says Bushmasters. Hmmmmmm. I got this one at the post at the DMZ, which separates North and South Korea. I remember the officer took us aside and made a little presentation of the coins.

The coin underneath it has the map of North and South Korea and is from the same outfit. They both say Currahee on them.

The one with the black shield says No Slack and Warrior Main. It's from C Company, 702D, MSB. How butch does Warrior Main sound? And how many of you wives out there are married to No Slack? That's what I thought.

One of our trips took us to Johnston Atoll in the Pacific Ocean, 717 nautical miles west-southwest of Honolulu, Hawaii. Nautical Mile is Spanish for Far Away.

It's 2 miles long by 3/4 miles at its widest point. It's the home of the operational chemical weapon demilitarization point. In English? This is where they stash the leftover Mustard Gas and Agent Orange from previous wars. You are issued a gas mask upon arrival and a kit full of antidote. You are shown a movie where they demonstrate how to plunge the hypodermic into your thigh in case the alarm goes off. If you cross a certain point of the island you must have your gas mask on you or you have to turn back. The indoctrination takes over an hour. They want to be clear that you understand what's going on. Below is a picture of me in my gas mask with my medical clearance certificate. And the first person who says I look better this way can bite me.
We woke up every morning to the loudest motherfucking siren in the Universe. I spent most of the shows making fun of the guy who ran that siren. Then I started talking about those hypodermics and everyone began laughing. I asked one specialist from the south why it was so funny and he replied, "Ma'am, by the time the Mustard Gas hits the air? You'd have no time to get that hypodermic out of its bag 'cause you'd be dead." Well then.

The people at Johnston get a really bad case of cabin fever since there's nowhere to go and they have to serve a tour there, sometimes 2 years, which they are financially well compensated for due to the extreme situation. They drink a lot. Once some of them get so drunk they jumped into the waters and were sliced to shreds by the coral reefs. One died.

As you can probably tell from this blog, I documented my career in a very meticulous manner. Pictures, mementos, scrapbooks, postcards. Because I figured someone as single-mindedly ambitious as me would forget to marry and have children and I wanted to account for all that time. And I was right. I forgot to marry and have children. A MULTI-MILLIONAIRE, yo.

End of chat.


  1. I clicked. The gas mask is good, but I'm not sure about those shoes!

  2. The shoes are from 1996, when that picture was taken. And all I remember about them was I was always happy to take them off at the end of a day cuz they pinched.

  3. Anonymous4:05 PM

    Suzy!!!!! the shoes!?!?!? and what are you wearing? A onesie!?! only you - gas mask and heels...or whatever the hell those are - funny. Very funny

  4. Heh heh. That was a very short dress. And yes, heels. On an island in the middle of the Pacific. When you go to entertain the troops, you leave your jeans and sneakers at home and give 'em what they really want. LEGS!

  5. Yes, I bet those boys were pretty happy when you and your legs arrived!

  6. Anonymous6:54 AM

    I don't care how many millions your ex has - those underwear are for shame!!! You lucked out.

  7. how did you entertain the army guys? By doing the can can?

    who was impotent for the first 4.
    I hope for your sake he was brilliant at oral sex ;)

  8. My sister is in the Air Force & I love to hear about the coins she gets. I'm so freaking proud of her!

  9. emmak, sad to say, no brilliance there either.

    mrs. s, say hey to your sister!

  10. Damn, you look pretty good in gas-mask attire. I could not say the same for moi...