Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Why Pregnant People Annoy Me


First of all, when did "I'm pregnant" become "We're pregnant." Something that takes a man 3 minutes in the bedroom and a half an hour in the bathroom with a Penthouse Magazine does not qualify him to be pregnant. Maybe if the numbers were reversed.

MAYBE.

Then there's that whole baby gender thing.

"Do you know what you're having?"
"Yes, but we're not telling anyone."

Why not? Because it might be a baby elephant and you want to corner that reality show market all to yourselves? There are only 2 choices, people. And thanks for making gift giving impossible for your friends who now are at a Big and Tall store in New Jersey looking for a size 56 onesie on the off chance it is a large mammal.

And the naming secret? YOU'RE NOT ELECTING A POPE. Give us a chance to talk you out of the hideous 1878 name you have chosen to anchor around your little girl's neck. Or save the couple I know whose last name rhymes with Banker. They kept their little boy's name under wraps until he was born and then it was revealed his name was Conrad. So he will go through school as Connie the Wanker. Brilliant.

And women, for the love of God, I do NOT want to see your over-extended stretch-marked stomach in a bikini on any beach in the world. What are you afraid of, that we won't figure out you're pregnant and will instead think you've put on 60 pounds of belly-button fat? If you're not going to cover it all up, then at least have the decency to walk backwards.

And when you're holding your hand underneath your stomach why don't you just use the Semaphore Flag Signalling System? BECAUSE WE CAN'T FIGURE OUT YOU'RE PREGNANT WITHOUT THEM. Again, we know you're not fat. Well, some of you might be but you know me, I hate to judge. Stop with the hand to stomach algorithm because it's not going to fall to your ankles in your 5th month. Unless it's a baby elephant after all and then you'll have bigger problems than finding that size 56 onesie.

And that whole "You're so sexy when you're pregnant?" Are your girlfriends telling you that? Is the butcher giving you bigger cuts of meat for free? Is the mailman making a pass? NO.

The only person who says that is your husband and that's because you cancelled his Penthouse subscription and he's too cheap to pay for a hooker.

End of chat.

26 comments:

  1. The one and only time pregnant I looked like a whale with leggings,big tunic and a bad perm! Hey it was early 90's! No one looks good and if they do they are bitches!

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  2. I agree. My husband was never pregnant. Although he did gain 25 pounds the first time that I was pregnant. Can't quite figure that one out...

    We have friends who had one girl and then 5 boys. They found out ahead of time the sex of the 7th baby and then they refused to tell anyone, including their one girl who spent 9 months praying fervently for a little sister. And they let her do that, knowing the whole time that it was a boy. What is up with that?

    The hand on the stomach thing? Instinctual. I did it all the time, and I have no idea why. But it felt right.

    Baby names should definitely be run by a vetting committee.

    I'm done.

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  3. The menopause is making you cranky!

    Get off my red chair.

    Boss O xxxx

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  4. I'm going with Frau said. The tops were flouncy, the hair as big as the belly, the roots screamed "dye me!" and I loved the fat that came with the pregnant sooooooo much I decided to hang on to some of it. Now if only I could stick in a Rubbermaid in the attic with the other relics of pregnancy. You're welcome to offer new names for my kids. They are alternately Chloe, Nathan and Sophia but more often I'm inclined to address them like the 3 dwarves - Spendy, Lazy and Mouthy.

    Wanna see my stretch marks? Kept them, too.

    Didn't this new generation of ubermoms invent pregnancy anyway?

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  5. that's my favorite Big and Tall shop you mentioned! lol. I'm not a guy who thinks pregnant girls are sexy but the picture you posted is kinda hot in a weird way. Maybe you should've chosen a more slobbish photo? lol. This post made me laugh as always!

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  6. Oh yeah annoys the HELL out of me when people hide the sex or name. We found out the name of our (ex)friends baby and the guy flipped out in the most unhealthy way. Went home to research how we found out the name. Was PISSED that we wouldn't tell him. It was nuts... and we aren't friends anymore. Imagine that?

    The belly holding thing, I don't know what it is, I made fun of those people too, until I got pregnant and I swear you can't help yourself!

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  7. obviously you've never been pregnant... but you are funny :)

    thanks for the giggle

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  8. LMAO! I just had this conversation with the owner of a gallery last week. "What? Do they think they are the only ones who have ever been pregnant?" she asks in her Jersey voice.

    LOLOLOLOL!

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  9. LOL, I agree with Ribbon!

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  10. Totally agree with you!! I was the one who was pregnant...therefore I was the one who should be pampered!! That's it!! No exposure (did you see the one about the preggo lady advertising for some company on her belly?! Weird!!). I don't have any stretch marks even after two (why should you if you applied moisturizer properly??!!!).
    Yes, and not telling us or not wanting to know the sex of your kid really irritates me!! WHY?!?!

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  11. The ones that annoy me the most aren't the preggers, but the new moms. OMG stfu already. And if one more Hollywood mom is back in a size zero and on a runway 3.2 days after giving birth I swear I'm gonna contact that crazy sucka from North Korea and tell him to bomb new mamas starting with that happy snapper Heidi Klum, who I'm pretty sure is a Stepford robot.

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  12. Oh, Mizz Suzy, you just made me laugh so hard I'm weak!

    I once asked a man why pregnant women were sexy. He said he thought it was either because subconsciously, men saw she was fertile and that's arousing in a weird, breeder kind of way...or because they knew she was already knocked up, so they didn't have to worry about it...or because hey, you already know she puts out! Nice.

    I loved being pregnant, but I didn't live that people thought it gave them license to touch. If it's uninvited, I HATE being touched!! I have "'Don't fucking touch me!!!!" days, when contact from strangers (and sometimes even friends and family) will make me jump a foot in the air and possibly karate chop the offender. I'm not Buddha and rubbing my belly won't bring you luck...just a broken hand. And by the way? Unsolicited physical contact is still considered assault and sometimes even simple battery in this country. I am within my rights to call the cops and press charges. Just sayin'.

    I didn't ask anyone's permission to name my son - I knew his name long before I knew I was having kids. I always knew if I had a boy I'd name him after one of my oldest and dearest friends, someone who (no kidding) saved my life when I was young...and has a perfectly normal name. Because really, naming your kid after an herb, a verb, or a geological formation is just inviting a trip up a clock tower later in life.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K

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  13. Now if only I could stick in a Rubbermaid in the attic with the other relics of pregnancy. You're welcome to offer new names for my kids. They are alternately Chloe, Nathan and Sophia but more often I'm inclined to address them like the 3 dwarves - Spendy, Lazy and Mouthy.
    How to make a website

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  14. Any name that hasn't been used since Charles Dickens or even Little House on the Prarie should probably be rethought. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go take little Jebediah for a walk.

    Oh, and you're dead on, by the way. As I say in my book, saying pregnant women are sexy is just a clever man tactic to calm pregnant women down so we can get some sleep.

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  15. Oh don't get EVEN get me started. At my local Squal-mart they have special parking for pregnant women. UP CLOSE to the door. LADIES you are pregnant you are not disabled. I just park in those spots and dare anyone to question if I'm pregnant.

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  16. GREAT JOB! You are receiving a standing ovation from me! I love this! IT was all perfectly said!

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  17. I've been pregnant twice, and can't stand pregnant women. Especially first timers. And cover up the bikini body...you're no Demi Moore on Vanity Fair.

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  18. -->Too funny! I REFUSED to say the words "we're pregnant" while I was pregnant. My husband wasn't the one not drinking, needing sleep, having swollen ankles, heartburn and going to the doctor every five minutes.
    I like to know what the woman is having and the name they picked out ahead of time. I don't get the mystery.
    Then again, we named our son so his initials are TNT - - - on purpose.
    ~deb
    www.WebSavyMom.com

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  19. Hhahahahahaahhha a size 56 onsie!!!
    I don't like pregnant bellies in bikinis either, but I dislike fat bellies in bikinis more.

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