Monday, October 26, 2009

Stop Having Sex

Recently I have been woken up by people having sex. Talking, yelling sex.

Two weeks ago it was a man going "Noooooooooo, no, noooooooooooooooooo." I lay there wondering what was happening. Bondage gone wrong? Didn't remember the safe word? Refusing to talk to his mother on the phone during sex? WHAT WAS HE DOING?

Last week it was a woman yelling Yesssssssssssssssssssssssss. That one was easy. Another faked orgasm.

A few days ago I heard two kittens having kitten sex. Not cat sex, which is loud and embarrassing not to mention a little disturbing, but kitten sex. I sat up. Silence.

I lay back down and heard a repetitive raspy sound that sounded like panting. Someone was panting on my pillow. Which by the way would make a great title for a Country and Western song or the book title for Jenna Jameson's memoirs.

Then I realized it was coming from me. All of it was just me.

I have asthma.

Between the Santa Ana winds blowing and all the fires, it has really made it harder for me to breathe at night.

I have talents I'm not even using properly.

End of chat.

32 comments:

  1. Hahahaha, that's hilarious!

    Hope your asthma gets better.

    ReplyDelete
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  2. -->That made me laugh.

    Sorry about your asthma though. If you get a good enough cough going you'll get the swine flu fearing crowd at the coffee shop to move out of your way.

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  3. Your neighbors are probably really impressed.

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  4. Oh baby, it's so sexy when you constrict your bronchioles like that . . .

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  5. oh my God you always make me laugh out loud.


    whew.


    (wiping my eyes....."I have talents I'm not even using properly." Jesus, I am totally using that line.

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  6. and I'm not even going to WISH you better, cause apparently asthma also causes hilarity.

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  7. and I'm not even going to WISH you better, cause apparently asthma also causes hilarity.

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  8. Are you sure it wasn't the Dingo stealing your BAHBEE????

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  9. Is asthma the new erotic asphyxiation? That's hot!

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  10. Now you will be on the national registry of kitten sex perverts.

    Good one.

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  11. I saw the title and was like "Hell no! What will I do on every third Saturday of the month?" but then I thought "Meh, I'm sure there's a rerun of Law and Order somewhere."

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  12. Or a Mac commercial.

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  13. Found you through the Bloggers Choice Awards. Love the site. And I love Hollywood so it's even better.

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  14. Are you practicing safe asthma?

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  15. Oh, I remember my kitten sex days. I really miss them.
    Hope your wheezing gets better.

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  16. Are you sure it's not fake asthma? Sorry to be flippant - I hope it goes away soon. I so love your sense of humor!

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  17. I used to live on the 3rd floor of an apartment building with 6 units. They were separated in the middle by a staircase. There was open space beyond the enclosed staircase. Bedrooms windows faced that open space. Early one afternoon returning from an errand I ran into my neighbor. She commented on the 'activity' earlier in the morning. I agreed that it was a bit obnoxious. It hadn't occurred to me once she walked away that my bedroom window indeed had been open.

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  18. Oh, sure it wasn't you having sex?

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  19. Patty, sent us here, and we like it, now if I can just git Bess to relax a minute,lol.
    BIG HUGS
    Bob and Bess

    ReplyDelete
  20. i've awoken to pants on my pillow, too ;) lol

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  21. Anonymous7:20 PM

    I feel your pain regarding the noisy neighbors. Years ago I lived in an apartment building where the bedrooms were right next to each other. My neighbor was dating a rather vocal girl for awhile. After being awakened for the ump-teenth time by her very loud moaning, "I want you to cum w/me," I pounded on the wall & yelled, "Will you just cum already so she can shut the hell up?!" The silence was deafening & I never heard the 2 of them again.

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  22. Suzy,
    one of your followers has selected you to receive the award that we give out at "Hot Dawg" Friday, this site can be found at plainolebob2.blogspot
    Congrats and
    BIG HUGS

    ReplyDelete
  23. If your asthma sounds like kitten sex, you'll be OK, but when it starts to sound like hippo sex, I suggest you grab the inhaler.

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  24. OK, so.. does your asthma sound like kittens having sex or does kittesn having sex sound like your asthma?

    Seriously, I recommend a GOOD air filter, like blueair for your bedroom. It makes a HUGE difference. Avoid anything that says "sharper image" on it.

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  25. funny post!

    I really enjoy this blog, thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete