It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

You'd think I was trying to cover up my dirty and ugly circa 1986 kitchen floor with these magazines, wouldn't you?

But no, I dropped this stack on a 5 foot by 8 foot cricket on Monday and I'm not too keen on picking it up, even though the Fall Fashion issue is on top. I watched the Paris shows on The Rachel Zoe Project so that will have to do for now.

Do giant crickets disintegrate over time? I didn't think so either. Fuck.

Here's a medical tip: Never come home from the dentist and take a Vicodin and an antibiotic at the same time on an empty stomach. This will kill you and I'm not going to tell you how but suffice it to say that was ten days ago and I still don't feel so hot.

I've also been drinking green tea, which my sister has been telling me for years is healthier and will help you lose weight. I had it in the house for two years before I drank it. TWO YEARS. Imagine how long those magazines are going to stay on top of Mothra?

This morning I was leaving my apartment and instead of reaching for a hat I realized I felt one on my head so I went to the hall mirror to make sure it looked ok and imagine my surprise when I discovered I had pushed it up too far and I was actually wearing my eye mask.

The other day I popped a boob out in front of two tenants, one man, one woman. It was because I was too lazy to put on a bra and was wearing my skirt as a dress. Her dog jumped on me and pulled at the skirt and presto chango, we have boobage. She and I both laughed. The guy was mad he missed it.

She's the same tenant who saw me fall backwards when my skirt went over my head and I was wearing no undies so the pussoire was out for the gardeners to see. She has actually seen more of me naked than some men I've dated.

End of chat.