Friday, October 09, 2009

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!


You'd think I was trying to cover up my dirty and ugly circa 1986 kitchen floor with these magazines, wouldn't you?

But no, I dropped this stack on a 5 foot by 8 foot cricket on Monday and I'm not too keen on picking it up, even though the Fall Fashion issue is on top. I watched the Paris shows on The Rachel Zoe Project so that will have to do for now.

Do giant crickets disintegrate over time? I didn't think so either. Fuck.

Here's a medical tip: Never come home from the dentist and take a Vicodin and an antibiotic at the same time on an empty stomach. This will kill you and I'm not going to tell you how but suffice it to say that was ten days ago and I still don't feel so hot.

I've also been drinking green tea, which my sister has been telling me for years is healthier and will help you lose weight. I had it in the house for two years before I drank it. TWO YEARS. Imagine how long those magazines are going to stay on top of Mothra?

This morning I was leaving my apartment and instead of reaching for a hat I realized I felt one on my head so I went to the hall mirror to make sure it looked ok and imagine my surprise when I discovered I had pushed it up too far and I was actually wearing my eye mask.

The other day I popped a boob out in front of two tenants, one man, one woman. It was because I was too lazy to put on a bra and was wearing my skirt as a dress. Her dog jumped on me and pulled at the skirt and presto chango, we have boobage. She and I both laughed. The guy was mad he missed it.

She's the same tenant who saw me fall backwards when my skirt went over my head and I was wearing no undies so the pussoire was out for the gardeners to see. She has actually seen more of me naked than some men I've dated.

End of chat.

18 comments:

  1. That is hilarious!!! Hope you are feeling better soon...!

    If the tea doesn't work for the weight loss, check the shelf life of said tea.

    The mags are fine where they are...step up and down on them for some good calf exercises (just add a few more).

    xo, Mango

    p.s. I tried to get your butterfly friends blog loaded...having issues. H'mmm.

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  2. -->I was given a grasshopper figurine thingy years ago because it's supposed to bring good luck. I haven't won the lottery yet so maybe a real dead cricket will do the trick. Good luck! ha!

    ~deb
    www.WebSavyMom.com

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  3. OMG hilarious...and great way to tell us to watch for you in future Playboy issues...!

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  4. Sounds like you are living in Grey Gardens.

    Am I going to hell for laughing?

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  5. Hmmm, any open slots in your building? I think I'm considering moving there just for the shows. Would I have to spend much time in the lobby, or do you post an entertainment guide? Any of the security tapes make it to Youtube?

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  6. suzy and marge simpson [of the blue hair fame] in next month's playboy? who'da thunk it? ;)

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  7. OK, little Edie Beale, I have a question for you: How do you pronounce "pussoire", because I want to get it right when I talk about you to all my friends.

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  8. Crap, someone beat me to the Grey Gardens joke. I gotta get here earlier next time.

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  9. I love Everyone Can Bite Me Friday! LOL

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  10. GREASE...You must eat GREASE when you take these meds. Go get a double double and make sure you animal style the fries. You will thank me later.

    Crickets biodegrade, cockroaches don't...are you sure it was a cricket?

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  11. Eye patch as a hat? Rachel Zoe will be ALL over it.


    Of course, her BRA could be considered an eye patch. I would think.

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  12. Grasshoppers are my bug phobia--they are so unpredictable and they can travel such large distances quickly. Good for you for taking one out.

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  13. I'd pay cash to have your Mothra. I've been in Houston~ish for three years and guess what they have down here? Tree roaches. Joy and rapture. They're bigger than my thumb and it doesn't matter how meticulous you keep your home cause they will carry off your toddler. Yeah. That's a holy fuckballs Batman you heard after I stopped screaming like someone who just had bullet whiz by their ear while they avoided being run over by a bus, but watched their best friend get flattened. I don't do bugs, but I'd pay CASH to have back my Cali days of bitching about a trail of ants.

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  14. Crickets in your house are supposed to be lucky. LIVE crickets that is. Or maybe just lucky for the cricket if you let it live. Ah well. Too late now.

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  15. Think the skirt as dress idea will catch on?

    The handkerchief as a bikini sure did.

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