Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Thank You For Smoking

I just read in the New York Times that soon all-smoking flights will be available. I wish they'd do the same thing with babies. An all-baby flight, where do I sign up for that slice of heaven? I had a one year-old sitting in front of me on the last flight I took and he emitted such a piercing scream that it echoed into the depths of the universe, traversed the time-space continuum and returned back in time to make us lose cabin pressure. That kid made me miss the smokers. At least a cigarette goes out in 3 minutes.

When I gave up smoking I gained 20 pounds. If I had known that I never would have quit. Of course now I'd be dead. Thin but dead.

I gave up smoking pot 7 years ago because I know everyone gets their 15 minutes of fame and I didn't want to be high during mine. I was never a big fan of weed; it just makes you stupid. One night 4 of us were so stoned we came up with the cure for cancer. Of course, we also forgot how we did it but were convinced it had made us famous and watched as the clock ticked off 15 minutes. Or was it just 9?

It's amazing how the warnings on the side of cigarette packages don't bother people after all this time. They should change them. If the packages read SMOKING WILL MAKE YOUR DICK LIMP and SMOKING WILL MAKE WOMEN UNABLE TO SHOP it would be the total end of smoking.

I love shopping and I don't even have to buy something to feel good. I just have to GO and I get a high. Unfortunately I have no sales resistance and don't make wise decisions. Especially if someone flatters me. Years ago, a salesman said to me, "You would look good in that." So I bought it and turned that coffin into a planter. Ironically, all the plants died.

Because L.A. apartments often don't come with refrigerators, I had to buy a used one. But it didn't get that cold. It didn't even make ice. Actually it might have been a fireplace.

The recession has killed my shopping issues and now I'm just addicted to sugar. It doesn't come with any warnings, vile odors or big price tag. Of course if you need your teeth it could be a problem. But even without them I'm pretty sure I could gum a donut to death.

End of chat.

30 comments:

  1. You've got a sweet tooth? Join the primate club. After gorging on ripe fruit in the Congo we gargle with frog piss.

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  2. Sugar,beer,chocolate are my vises! I think everyone needs at least one. I think I stick out here because I'm not smoking! I would probably blend better with Lucky Strike in my pocket.

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  3. OMG could you imagine how that damn plane would smell when you first get on?? It would be like walking into a bar, hung over at 0800. There would likely be flashbacks to college. You'd vomit within 4 minutes of take off.

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  4. thank God I don't like sugar.


    it's the chips that will kill me.

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  5. My vices right now are ALL food related. If I lived alone, I'd hang a naked picture of my self on the fridge, put another in my plates, and silverware drawer! MAYBE that would wok. Once I put my clothes on, I forget how bad it is!
    Glad you kicked the habit!

    *Thank you for reaching out to Tyson Suzy. You're awesome!

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  6. wok=work! (See, even my typos are food related!)

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  7. Vodka mom does not like sugar! Crazy. I have never met a woman who doesn't like sweets.

    I am addicted to hard core full corn syrup pepsi. I need at least one can a day. If it is a really bad day, TWO CANS!!!

    Was this a random tuesday post??? LOL

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  8. Im finally coming out of my lack of sugar induced coma- and yesterday for the first time I have felt awake and alert. I kicked ass at the office-

    ps can you get rid of the word verification? it's annoying me!! and always calling me names! today it is waxygabby

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  9. I'm with Vodka. The absence of chips'd kill me ...

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  10. "I've never met a woman who doesn't like sweets."

    Jesus, woman, get off the block....

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  11. I'm cracking up at 'you would look good... in a coffin'! Seriously, I hate shopping, ugh I just suck at it! AND if someone TRIES to sell me something, it's all over, they are my enemy for life.

    I was that mom with the screaming baby on a RED EYE just last month. Sooo embarrassing. I wish they had all family/children flights because then I wouldn't feel like such a killer of silence.

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  12. You are my all time favorite celebrity...why...please re-read all the above :-) LOL

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  13. I have to be honest - I'm with Vodka Mom and Braja on this one. It's the chips. Never the sweets.

    My sweet tooth is totally cyclical and lasts only a few days each month... and I easily satisfy it with peanut butter M&M's. :)

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  14. I quit smokiing a few years ago, but my very last cigarette was actually three years ago. The child scream thing? I'm still not used to it.

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  15. Salty? Sweet? One or the other? No, no, no, I don't think so. Chocolate covered pretzels. Or chocolate covered potato chips (yes, they sound like a train wreck...don't knock 'em 'til you've tried 'em!).

    An all baby flight would be marvelous - especially if it really is all baby, and the parents can fly separately...the only trouble is, they may not collect the little darlin's at baggage claim! Then there'd be wee bums begging for change outside on the curb (puns intended, sorry, I'm in a rare good mood just this moment...no worries it'll pass).

    Mizz Suzy, you rock...I think I'll build a shrine to you in the sun room...next to the old ash tray that I keep on hand because I don't smoke (in fact, I'm allergic) but a good hostess makes sure her guests have everything they need for a comfortable stay and why the Hell am I channeling Miss Manners all of a sudden?

    Sigh.

    I'm going back to bed, where at least the world made sense this morning (unlike me, who is apparently a little farther into Crazy than usual today).

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K (No, I'm not manic depressive. I'm just depressive, why do you ask???)

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  16. Sugar yes, donuts no. There are so many better sweet things to eat--dark chocolate honeycomb for example.

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  17. Fireplace! LOLOL! Thanks for the lunch-time laugh.

    SLC

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  18. Anonymous12:15 PM

    S,
    on a 5-hour flight I sat next to a mother w/a toddler. I looked around to switch seats, but the plane was full. Imagine my surprise when the kid slept most of the way. As we were exiting the plane, I complimented the mom on her child's good behavior. Her reply, "Oh I just gave her a very large dose of Children's Tylenol to keep her quiet."
    Aloha,
    MJ

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  19. I love it when your at the beach trying to breath in the clean salty smog free air when all of a sudden someone lights up one of those cigarettes that smells like burning ass. I always wonder do they go into the quick mart and ask "I need one of those $20 packs of Burning Ass".

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  20. Oh and Suz I'm going to be in Hollywood Friday morning for an interview. I'll email you my schedule.

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  21. Ha! Came up with the cure for cancer but too stoned to remember.

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  22. So, on the smoking flights, is it safe to crack the window so the smoke can escape?

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  23. I couldn't do a smoking flight. I hate the way my hair smells after being in a smoky bar.

    Now a sugary donut? I'm all in.

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  24. I LOVE me some sugar!

    Eat Krispy Kreme's, they melt in your mouth so your won't even have to worry about gumming it!

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  25. Smoking is nothing compared to mosquitoes.

    Fuck the mosquitoes!!!

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  26. with enough sugar, it can be said your teeth are like stars, they come out every night ;) lol

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  27. You crack me up every time. All baby flight? Hell no

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  28. Yummy, sugar! You can keep the babies and the cigarettes and the pot. I'll take the sugar, the chardonnay and the Ruffles :)

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  29. amazing post!! Love it! Sorry I took so long to read it!

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  30. My first time here. OMG, LOVE love love this post, lol. So true!

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