Thursday, July 30, 2009

Pillow Talk


I have an issue with pillows. I’ve tried every one available for sale and they never seem to fit my neck, my shoulder or are unable to smother me in my sleep, which is often what I wish for when I get off the phone with my mother.

It may have started in my third year of college. I had two roommates.

Nice girls. Polite. Sweet. Pretty. One blond and one brunette. The first day we met we spent the day chatting and then when one of them decided to turn in early, she made up her bed and got a pillow out from a closet and put it on her bed. The other girl did the same.

“Where do you get the pillows?” I asked. The two girls looked at me.
“Our house.”

I hadn’t thought to bring a pillow because I thought the university handed them out, like in PRISONS. Last year, in a nationwide survey of all universities my alma mater was voted the most expensive. All that money and they couldn't afford a pillow.

“Where’s your pillow?” one of the evil bitches asked.
“Oh I never use a pillow.” (lie)
“You don’t?” One of the hideous slugs said.
“Nahhhhhhh.”
“But how do you sleep?” The horrifying face of death asked me.
“Easy.” (lie)

That night as the two spawns of Satan slept contently in their beds with their FUCKING PILLOWS, I put my head down on my mattress, stretching my neck to infinity so as to be able to reach it. I woke up looking like a giraffe and boy, how easy is it to get a boyfriend then, huh?

I spent the entire first semester without a pillow rather than admit I was a moron.

There are days I think I see brown spots on my longish neck and then I remember I’m a thousand years old.

End of chat.

21 comments:

  1. A whole semester!!! LOL I can also be a little dense at times. Kinda like the bahama doctor that wanted to give me a breast exam for a sore throat. OK.

    Being young naive just sucks!!!

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  2. Don't you hate it when you go stay at someone else's house and they give you a pillow the size of two folded over paper towels. I always wonder as I lie my head down to sleep just exactly who drooled on it last? Then I end up sleeping on my arm and waking up looking like Quasimoto. "Sanctuary! Sanctuary"

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  3. We can't go around admitting we're wrong. That just wouldn't work at all.

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  4. For the record? I would've done exactly the same thing.

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  5. However, on second thought, it might have been better to admit you were wrong. You could've gotten big, fluffy pillows and used them to smother those bitches in their sleep.

    Just sayin'.

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  6. Anonymous12:09 PM

    S,
    The entire time I was on the road I brought my own pillow (down feather). I have spent, on occasion, way more than $100 for a pillow, and may I suggest a king-size down pillow, and just put your head in the middle, or smoosh the sides together, making a more feathery center. Then, I usually have the pillow case ironed. It's heaven. (But then I don't think one can spoil one's self enough.)
    Aloha,
    MJ

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  7. My pillow now is horrible, it's completely flat in the middle, ya know where my head is supposed to go. No matter how much I fluff it, it empties right in the middle. Fucker.
    We have two different kinds of pillows at the hospital. Flat plastic covered and fluffy plastic covered.If a patient is nice, I make sure they have a fluffy one. If not, well screw them, flat it is.
    I wouldn't have admitted that either back then. Now I would, I don't care anymore if people think I'm dumb.

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  8. I'm pillow-funny as well. I tend to wedge my head betwee two of them due to some vertebral funkiness that isn't all that interesting.

    Love the pic, btw. :-)

    Pearl

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  9. That's a great picture...ahh Sunday..

    I swear by the Martha Stewart Grandma Pillow, that's right, Grandma Pillow...at K-Mart..that's right K-Mart.

    That bitch knows from pillows..

    Peace - Rene

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  10. Pillows are important. Like, REALLY important. So important that I almost spent $50 on a down CAMPING pillow.

    Then I remembered I wasn't rich. Damn memory.

    Can't believe you went one whole semester. I'm guessing you are a stubborn one...

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  11. Oh my a whole semester.. NOW I know why your mom is like she is ;-)

    That is the first thing I pack is my pillow, very picky about mine too. On my recent vacation the 5 year kept sneaking in my room and stealing it...he didn't know how close he was coming to never needing one again!

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  12. pillow smillow. drink enough, um, pepsi and you won't need a pillow.

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  13. OMG, stubborn. But very funny! LOL! Love that pic, now that's frickin hysterical!

    It's hard to find a good pillow.

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  14. I'm glad I'm not the only person too freakin' stubborn to admit I didn't know something!!

    Have you tried those Tempupedic things that feel like bricks?! They're freakishly comfy!

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  15. I've got scoliosis (I like you, only mine's better) and I wasn't allowed to have a pillow as a kid. But I did get one when I was five. I've STILL got it (what's left of it) It's travelled all around the world with me and as hard as I try to find a suitable replacement, I can not. My pulmonary Professor took a look at it while I was in hospital ill and 8 mnths pregnant and said, "Please let us sterilise it!" heh I love love love love love it. I love it more than I love my red chair.

    Boss O Pillows xxxx

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  16. It's all about the right pillow! I try to remember when traveling to always pack my favorite one!

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  17. My love is like the princess and the pea when it comes to her pillow. Must be just right. I'm good with a pie plate or two-by-four. Whatever's available.

    Cheers,

    SLC

    P.S. Your animated pic is weirding me out...

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  18. Maybe you could have folded up a down jacket or fluffy shirt?
    ha ha ha,
    Thanks for the laughs, AS USUAL.
    Love,
    Patty
    P.S. Thank Goddess we are past that teenage angst. It certainly could be annoying.

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  19. Great pic :D

    I sleep with a Japanese neck roll, imposed by my mother at a young age to keep hair, facial wrinkles and neck from disappearing in older age. It is made of silk and firm, also a great muscle relaxer.

    By the way (I am French so...)a long neck is beautiful, look at ballerinas.

    And the hell anyway with bitches, I was raised in a boarding school so I have LOTS of experience with those twits

    have a great Week End

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  20. Pillows speak volumes for your quality of life. Which probably best explains my mediocre existence a la Walmart. Time for some new ones. Thanks for the reminder.

    Btw, you should have mongoosed one from under one of their pretty little heads, feigned innocence and then transferred out of that room. STAT.

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