Friday, July 03, 2009

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

There was a plane heading to LAX yesterday that had to be diverted because a 50 year old man took off all his clothes and had to be subdued. This is what makes women superior to men in every way. We'll wear short skirts and get kicked off the plane, join the mile high club and scream at flight attendants for more booze. BUT WE WILL NEVER TAKE OFF OUR CLOTHES IN A ROOM FULL OF STRANGERS, ESPECIALLY WITH THE LIGHTS ON. Except strippers, who are smart enough to make over a grand a night for their efforts.

It's possible we all need to move to France.

My mother is in the beginning stages of macular degeneration and had to have a shot in her eyeball before she left Paris. Co-pay 15 Euros, $20 bucks. She went to a doctor here and the visit and shot? $1900. She will not move here because our healthcare system is so poor. Socialized medicine, the entire world has it but us. And YES she can choose the doctors she wants.

Did I mention Mom is staying for 2 more months? So my commenting has slowed down since I spend more time screening my calls and trying to find compassion, which I've hidden somewhere in my house.

I saw the family the other day and forgot to bring my best friend, Advil, along. Lindy was out so my mother generously offered me her pain pills. I take 2 and quiz her on how strong they are.
"Zey are not strong."
"Are you sure?"
"I take 6 a day and zey only provide an hour of relief each time."

I took 2. If mom could handle 6, I should be taking 37. She even told me I probably wouldn't feel them after all my surgeries and pain pills.

"Advil takes an hour to work."
"Zese do too."

15 minutes later I'm stoned out of my mind sitting in a chair wondering how people on TV make their mouths move.

"Mom, what's in these pills?"
"Ohhhh I don't know, morpheene I sink."

TWO MORE MONTHS.

End of chat.

20 comments:

  1. Makes me feel like a wimp sitting here with my red bull!

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  2. OMG. I need me some of those. I can take your mom off your hands for a week or so... Take her to Busch Gardens. I might even be willing to get on the Zumba with her if she brings those pills...

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  3. Wooooooooooooooow. Yeah.. morphine is NOT fun. I think I accidentally took one mistaking it for a 5 ml valium. I did not sleep that night.. I was itchy and miserable.

    But I don't recall it making me wonder the things you contemplated.
    That made coffee come out of my nose.

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  4. HAHA! That was great!

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  5. oh my God Suzy I laughed out loud.


    OUT LOUD!!!

    Morphine, i sink.........


    now pass the damn pills.

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  6. Suzy, can you pass your mother's Advil around? . . . if zey have morphine?

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  7. I'm coming up to your place; I need some morphine for my back!

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  8. rotflmao...have a whole bunch of wonderful mini vacations Suzy...Enjoy your mom...LOL

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  9. Your mom gives you morphine?? Send her on over to my house!

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  10. OMG that is HILARIOUS! Morphine I think...everyone knows that shit barely works.

    I didn't know your mom was a druggie. That's sweet.

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  11. Your Mom is too great:)

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  12. "Morpheene I zink," Priceless. I've got two more months of GREAT stories to look forward to!!!

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  13. I am convinced that I would be able to spend more quality time with my mom if she came with pain killers. This is the answer to family dysfunction, I think.

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  14. I hope she brought a lot of pills.

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  15. With socialized medicine in France, do they hand out morphine like M&M's?

    I bet that's why MJ was in London. No pesky DEA regulations to deal with and you can get all flavors of M&M's.

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  16. You probably ought to get all your drugs from her--especially since your dealer/neighbors have moved.

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  17. I wish my mom took morphine,it might help her personality. Oh and then I could steal some from her too.

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  18. beats horse, by the sounds of it... no doubt you'll be a junkie LONG before she's gone ;)

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  19. Morphine! Man she comes prepared. What else does she carry with her?

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  20. I have just installed iStripper, so I can have the sexiest virtual strippers on my taskbar.

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