It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

This is number 64 of the Everybody Can Bite Me posts. And I think I speak for us all when I say, who gives a shit? Every time I sit down to write one, all I can think about is how time is whizzing by and I'm still imploring people to Bite Me. I divided 64 by 7 and then by 12 and when I got the totals I had no idea what the totals meant or why I didn't just divide my brain by my ass. At one point I looked at the calculator and was convinced that dividing by 7 gave me 9 years of Friday posts.

It's totally possible that I was held back in school and my parents didn't tell me. Or my mother told me but I couldn't understand her because of her accent.

"You rrrrrrrr being eld back."
"I'm part of an elk pack?"
"Mais non, imbecile."
"No? I look like a seal?

Yesterday I lost my wallet and was pretty pissed. Credit cards, license and all the usual crap. I had Ofelia the manager helping me and she told me the same thing my mom always tells me about lost objects. Wrap a string in a knot (Ofelia said I could use a scarf) and tie it around a chair leg or throw it on the floor. Pray to San Dimas (if you're Cuban) or St. Anthony if you're Catholic or your bartender if you were out drinking the night before. I tossed and turned all night planning my lose-45 pounds-in-2 days-next-DMV photo.

I found the wallet the next morning but was afraid to tell my mother because they're about 46 minutes from sending me to a home already. She claims I take too many pills. What are her morphine pills made of? Kittens?

I found a Xanax on the bathroom floor yesterday. Sometimes my fingers slip with pills but rarely have I had the good fortune to find a Xanax. Even though it was next to the toilet I still picked it up because I have a 5 month rule as to anything that falls on any part of my floors. I once found a perfectly delicious peanut M and M that way.

I want to thank BlogHer for linking my Michael Jackson Memorial post, which I admit was not what the mainstream was reporting and was me ranting and raving against it. I also want to thank Bitten & Bound because in two days I received over 600 hits on that one post from that link and that website. This is the second time in a month BlogHer and Bitten & Bound have come together and linked me and yet I only got 35.51 from BlogHer. FOR FOUR MONTHS.

Sidebar: Can they fire you for having a big mouth? Love you Jenny 1 & 2. Mean it.

End of chat.