Friday, May 23, 2008

It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday!

And today I really mean that everyone can bite me. I went to the doctor on Wednesday. I have 6 more weeks in a cast and even though I was aware of it going in, it still plunged me into a depression. After the cast comes off the doctor said I get the black adjustable boot contraption for 3 weeks and finally get to put my foot through his face on the ground. That visit cost me $425 dollars, $125 for the pretty colored fiberglass alone. I took a Vicodin before I left the house, which I never do when I go to the Doctor, just in case it makes me weak, fall down on the crutches and go boom. But I was glad I had taken one because without it I'm pretty sure I would have melted down completely. You know that D.C. Madam who killed herself rather than go back to prison? At first I thought she was really overreacting but now? Not so much.

Then McLoserstene dropped me off at California Pizza Kitchen while she popped into Ikea and as I was waiting for her so we could have lunch, I saw this:

Those little feet sticking out from a completely hidden ten month old baby named Brian made me smile for the first time that day. I really wanted to crawl in there with him because that's how I want to finish up this recuperation. Or my life. Hidden under a blanket and wheeled about by loving, devoted parents. Psychologist, party of one.

I do not have that loving and devoted family. I think they were like that when I was younger but sometime in the last 15 years there is no love from them to me. My biggest fear for many years was that I would get famous and then die and news crews would talk to my mother.


"Was she depressed these last few years?"
MOM: "Well, she never listened to me when I told her to change her hairdo."
ABC NEWS: "Was her career in trouble?"
MOM: "She never had a career."
CBS NEWS: "Did she get along with her family?"
MOM: "I'm not in touch with her family."
NBC NEWS: "But...aren't you her family?"
MOM: "Please don't mention that in the article."
MSNBC: "Did she have a lot of friends?"
MOM: "I don't think anyone liked her except her dog, and he's dead."
FOX NEWS: "Well thanks for your time."
MOM: "That's it? Don't you want to hear about my life?"

Yesterday was my sister's birthday. We haven't spoken in almost 3 years. I no longer talk to my mother either and my Dad died in 2001. After he died, the other two got strange. He left me and my sister money but not my mother. She and my sister tried to wrest control of my portion but failed. No one in my family was ever honest. Not even me. I learned it at the feet of the masters. Between my parents they had 5 marriages and my sister and I were terrified to get married, even though I was engaged three times. My mother had someone on the side for most of her marriage and my father was married once before my mother but no one ever told us until after their divorce. Then Dad didn't bother to inform us when he married for the third time. We weren't even invited. You see what I'm dealing with here? Maybe it's better they're not in my life. They're so hyper-critical that it's impossible to feel like any type of success around them. Especially of the emotional kind.

And now, all these centuries later, I feel I wasted my life chasing my career and not marriage and a family of my own. But after what I saw at home, it was obviously the last thing on my mind. I also have the worst possible taste in men so that didn't help. Due to my inability to be honest, intimacy is a huge problem for me. If I am intimate and vulnerable, only bad things can come of it in my head. It's better to let them think I barely care. Pretty fucked up, I know. And yet now I wish I had a husband who loved me and children to get on my nerves. As it is, if it weren't for McLoserstene and her family, I'd be fairly lost right now. And thanks to all my friends who have visited or written and called, I couldn't have gotten through this without you either. Even my arch enemy Jenee visited me last weekend and brought me lunch and signed my door "You're a 'funny cunt' and if you understand our profession, you know that's really a term of endearment. The word 'funny', I mean.

I picked the color yellow because it was cheerful. Maybe eventually it will work. I don't smoke or drink anymore but this last surgery, the third in five years, has tried my last addictive nerve and I swear I could start either again with not even one wee regret, that's how shitty and depressed I feel. I sometimes wonder if all the good stuff has already happened to me. Now every day brings some letdown, some sadness, some small misery I can't change. Up until 7 years ago, I loved my life. It was perfect. But then my Dad died, I lost the love of my life, Elvis, my remaining family turned into assholes and I had to watch as my body disintegrated due to a childhood disease. Is the next step me getting into a plane with a Kennedy and nosediving into the ocean?

There's a lot of things I don't talk about on this blog. Because it wouldn't be fun, not for you and definitely not for me. Over the years I've had four therapists and although they've changed my life in so many positive ways, the one thing they can't do is mend a broken heart. Even the Bee Gees can't do that.

End of chat.


  1. chandler in lasvegas3:06 PM

    Last night I met a friend for drinks at a gay bar, here in Las Vegas. He is well off, lives in San Blase, is over weight, is recovering from a face lift (and he's young). All night long he extolled how unhappy he was with the right job in the wrong city and no one to share the grim with. We happened upon a younger guy with a great body, great grooming and clothes and a very good job. He regaled the both of us how unhappy he was. Great smile, pretty teeth and lovely pecs and he was miserable.

    Two people haven't made me feel so good about myself in years.

    And now you Suzy. Thank you. Everybody Can Bite Me Friday is a blessing. You are a saint.

  2. You know what? I don't think I could love you more now than ever. That was such a raw and truthful post and half of it TOTALLY explains MY life. I've never been to therapy (CHICKEN! BAWK!) but probably need it. Have a mother who's unbelievably passive-aggressive and selfish and live with my in-laws 1.2 miles down the street. My f-i-l likes to stroll in unannounced (we have keyless entry, SADLY he knows the code) so I live in fear that he's going to walk in unannounced while I'm dancing naked to Chaka-Khan.
    That said, it's totally my friends that get me through. Well, that and wine. But I'm not advocating that for everybody.
    Thanks for the linky. I'm sorry if I bullied you into it.
    Pie for everybody.

  3. If it makes you feel any better, I think yellow is a good color on you!

  4. Hey wait! Don't pay them for that boot thingy!!! I have one I will send to you for free. Those things cost a fucking fortune (because we have to pay for all the derelicts that refuse to work). I would love to get it the hell out of here. Please say yes. I could clear out a corner of one of my many over-stuffed closets. I still have it from my Bunionectomy, which sounds like something much worse than it was.

    Let me know and it is your's.

  5. Okay, I just read the rest of the post and I think you've just got the halfway-there-blues. It's a nasty virus and goes straight to your depression genes, doesn't stop & goes even further to your Maybe-I'm-Crazy genes. The only cure for this nasty bitch of a virus is to have a pal over and do things like call people and ask if their refrigerator is running and similar things. The last time I was down and out a friend came over... we did this and worse... and giggled until we had tears coming out of our eyes and snot coming out of our noses. I know it sounds insane, but it worked. It was something I hadn't done since I was 12.

    You just need a lot of laugh fests. Or maybe not.

  6. Anonymous7:42 PM

    I will be there next Wednesday, American Airlines willing. But this Bite Me Friday blog of yours was so incredibly wonderful. You have a genuine gift. Did I tell you I was staying with my mother? Did I tell you that I was so thrilled because my cousin, Laurie is driving from upstate New York to visit us in the Boston area. My mother said, "Well I hope she's not driving all that way just to see you."

    Hold on until Wednesday. I'll be there with both fruit and meat pies, I'll get the mail, etc.
    Martha Jane

  7. MJ, I didn't much have the energy to reply to comments until I read yours and remember we have the same mother. It did make me laugh, which is wrong but much needed today.

    And I've accepted the kind bootie offer from Snooty and D2, guess what? Did you know that yellow is the only color that goes with all hair and skin color?

    And I've dealt with Kimber's bullying offline and as to Chandler's passive-aggressiveness, well, I'll let the profesionals take care of him.

  8. I've never had surgery, but the halfway-through blues sounds right.

    I have, however, had a crazy family. A crazy family can make you feel pretty crazy yourself sometimes. Hang in there.

  9. Been there. Done that. Got the t-shirt. Reading your post almost made me relive the three months of hell I endured after my last knee surgery.

    It does get better, right around the time you can go and get pie on your own without any assistance.

    My surgery is Tuesday. We can blog to each other about how miserable we are WHILE under the influence of prescription narcotics.

  10. Hey, but you know what? You're a pretty cool person. You've given me a lot of encouragement, and I appreciate it. So you've got that going for you.

    Also, CPK rocks.

  11. Damn you sound depressed. I'd offer to pay you a visit but I'm afraid my visit is what caused the depression in the first place. Buck up little camper.

  12. And another thing... I'm pleased to see my deflection attempt worked. You can throw the word "funny" in the harshest of criticisms and that's the only word a comic will acknowledge.

  13. Anonymous10:57 AM

    Until I read this I would have thought it was impossible to be depressed with a prescription for vicodin and take out from CPK.


  14. Well! Thanks for making my family of origin look less dysfunctional. And that's saying a lot...

    The grass is always greener. You could be a middle-aged woman with 2 teenagers (one on drugs, the other just not talking to you) whose husband has just run off with a 20-something girl. And then you'd be sitting there saying to yourself, I would have been better off alone with a successful comedy career. Right?

  15. Surcie7:17 PM

    You poor thing. I'm sorry you're feeling blue.

  16. Suz, now I see what's going on. You're a pity whore! I love it! I, as a competitive female comic, will make sure to shorty write an homage to my assholeo family and all the ways I still feel the sting although I'm not in touch with them either. keep yo head up. I'll be there next week with Coral Tree.

  17. Jenn, Diesel thanks.

    Heather, is your recovery 3 months as well? I think you said it was the last time you had surgery.

    Jenee, no comic ever hears another word in any sentence after they hear 'you're funny' even if "but you're going to die in 2 weeks" comes after that.

    Abeyta, anything is possible in life, especially with Vikes.

    suburban, any woman over 40 is middle-aged. How depressing is that? But you're right, it can always be worse.

    stef, Cobb salads and discussions about our mothers. Doesn't get any better than that.

  18. It is nice to have a warm child to snuggle with under the covers, but they do grow up and start telling you to get away pretty quickly.
    I have a hus and kids but only one friend around here and I only see her every couple of months. It sounds like you have a lot of loving friends who really care for you.
    I wish I come over and bitch about my mother with you and Stef too! Since I can't, ask Stef what my mother is like, and I'll feel included.

  19. Pomnot9:43 AM

    Hang in there, Suz . . .you will be dancing the macarena in a few weeks! A couple 'feel-good' movies: "Seducing Dr. Lewis" (French) & "Bread & Tulips" (Italian). Movies are my escape and therapy . . .

  20. Oh Suzy! What a drag! This is such a long road to recovery, of course you are depressed. You are completely normal for being depressed. And when you can't get out and cheer yourself up or distract yourself, you just keep getting more and more depressed. I get it.

    I like the prank call idea for a quick pick me up. I used to like cream cheese icing and graham crackers as a down and dirty happy sin.

    Hang in there sugah.... we love you!

  21. Bloss, the good news is your arse is smaller than Jenee's. That's gotta be worth a 'woooyay!"

    Love ya, love your red chair more.

    Fahey xxxx

  22. Suzy, it appears we have more in common than just standup comedy.

    1. I haven't spoken to my sister since my mother died 22 years ago.

    2. I didn't find out about my dad's second wife until after she was already dead.

    3. I love having lunch at CPK.

    Hang in there! In six weeks you can start shopping for shoes again.

  23. Hey Primjob- I need that big arse to balance out my rack.

    Now I'd appreciate it if someone could please tell me I'm funny so the tears will stop.

  24. Anonymous5:26 PM

    wow suze, i stopped reading because i was like wait that's way personal- does she really want em to read that? and of course i finished. glad MJ made you's funny how some of us who have the husband and the child, often wish we had really followed our dreams way back when- when i had the energy and desire- i'm just too fucking tired now.

  25. its true Jenee does have a magnificent rack - just perfect for counterbalancing her funny-large arse.



    Fatty xxxx

  26. OK, I will admit that I'm late. Sorry about that but I'm always late. The good thing about that is that I don't walk in on the hostess dancing naked in the kitchen, though. Hopefully you're doing a little better by the time you read this, but I think it's about time I called anyway - just to make sure.

    Like many people, I can sympathize with the family dynamics. I know way too many folks who are really pissed that "dysfunctional" contains the word "fun". Both my parents are dead and although they all live in the same city that I do, I haven't seen any of my 3 siblings for over a year. There's no animosity, though - just indifference. Hey, we have lives.

    And the deal about yellow going with any skin/hair/coloring? Not so much here. If I wear yellow, I look like a jaundice illustration in a medical textbook. However, I do look fabulous in gold lamé!

  27. You've done so much Suzy. I don't think marriage is a good trade off for being single. Sometimes single is better, and children bring alot of pain. When i hear someone has been married for fifty years well that is an accomplishment but was it happy? I look at my sisters and I am very jealous, but even still I am not sure they are happy. I think you have alot, although I am sorry about your family... Don't give up.