Lucy In The Pie With Diamonds

I spent the weekend thinking of pie. Cherry pie, chocolate pie, lemon-meringue pie. I’m stuck in this apartment for 13 weeks and 6 weeks into it I’m melting down over pie. What’s worse is the House of Pies is only 2 miles away, right next to Europe.

I have a serious sweet tooth. Do you know how long it took me to figure out that Cool Whip was supposed to go on other food? I’ve got it so bad I once ran out of sugar and put Cherry Nyquil on my Cream of Wheat. I like all sweet things except for carrot cake and zucchini bread. Those are just ways to disguise foods that taste really bad on their own. Someone figured out everyone likes cake and everyone likes bread, so they just decided to slide vegetables in there like no one's paying attention. Well I’m on patrol over here at Casa Cavities so get your vegetables out of my sugar and into the garbage disposal where they belong. Some misguided individuals substitute gum for something sweet. You chew, chew, chew and can’t swallow. What's the point of that? I’m fairly certain the carrot and zucchini cartels had something to do with the invention of gum.

I also have a problem with Raisinettes. How could they spoil a perfectly good piece of chocolate by throwing fruit in there? Have you ever heard anyone smoking pot say, Oh if only we had some raisins! No, you haven’t, unless you spent a summer in Bangladesh in the 60’s and the Beatles had just arrived with care packages. Very bad care packages I might add. And speaking of ruining food with other food, why does cheese need walnuts in it? Are people killing too many squirrels in their neighborhoods? Or how about that cheese with wine in it? Is that for the cheapest people in the world? We’ve only got 6 bucks, we can get cheese and wine.

I’m half-French and we worship cheese so imagine my horror when I discovered Wispride. It sounds and looks like furniture polish. I’m betting it tastes like it too. I never tasted Velveeta until I went away to college and a roommate had some her mother sent her from the States. I’d like to take this opportunity to mention I have the greatest mom in the world for keeping me away from that.

People are too health conscious these days. Dairy free, gluten free, fat free. Me? I'm health free. I eat anything. Vegans make me want to slap them hard, especially when they tell me I am what I eat. So if I eat meat shouldn't I already be dead? Or is that just a technicality and an 8.9 from the Romanian judge? All these dairy-free people flying their freak flags and saying, "Oh, you're eating cheese? I can't eat cheese.” Then they have to tell you why they can't eat cheese. "It gives me too much mucus." I once met a guy at a cocktail party and that’s what he opened with. That’s where he went in a conversation where my cleavage was trying to have its passport stamped so it could escape my dress. To mucus. Why don’t we just jump to irritable bowel syndrome so I can go home early and fire up the old vibrator?

And while we’re on the topic of things that are just patently wrong, have you ever noticed that in restaurants they always serve orange juice in a small glass? Who decided that a small glass of OJ was all we could tolerate? That a large glass of OJ would kill you. Of course we all know that OJ will kill you but would 3 more ounces really hike the cholesterol? And how about these nutritionists who tell us we should eat our food sitting down. That eating on the run is bad for us. And yet, running burns calories. So doesn't it make sense that if you want to lose weight, you should eat on the treadmill?

This is what happens to me when I fixate on something I can’t get my hands on. I obsess and dissect and deconstruct. Please, for the love of God, will someone send me some pie before I start in on what's wrong with Social Security?

End of chat.