Monday, May 12, 2008

Lucy In The Pie With Diamonds

I spent the weekend thinking of pie. Cherry pie, chocolate pie, lemon-meringue pie. I’m stuck in this apartment for 13 weeks and 6 weeks into it I’m melting down over pie. What’s worse is the House of Pies is only 2 miles away, right next to Europe.

I have a serious sweet tooth. Do you know how long it took me to figure out that Cool Whip was supposed to go on other food? I’ve got it so bad I once ran out of sugar and put Cherry Nyquil on my Cream of Wheat. I like all sweet things except for carrot cake and zucchini bread. Those are just ways to disguise foods that taste really bad on their own. Someone figured out everyone likes cake and everyone likes bread, so they just decided to slide vegetables in there like no one's paying attention. Well I’m on patrol over here at Casa Cavities so get your vegetables out of my sugar and into the garbage disposal where they belong. Some misguided individuals substitute gum for something sweet. You chew, chew, chew and can’t swallow. What's the point of that? I’m fairly certain the carrot and zucchini cartels had something to do with the invention of gum.

I also have a problem with Raisinettes. How could they spoil a perfectly good piece of chocolate by throwing fruit in there? Have you ever heard anyone smoking pot say, Oh if only we had some raisins! No, you haven’t, unless you spent a summer in Bangladesh in the 60’s and the Beatles had just arrived with care packages. Very bad care packages I might add. And speaking of ruining food with other food, why does cheese need walnuts in it? Are people killing too many squirrels in their neighborhoods? Or how about that cheese with wine in it? Is that for the cheapest people in the world? We’ve only got 6 bucks, we can get cheese and wine.

I’m half-French and we worship cheese so imagine my horror when I discovered Wispride. It sounds and looks like furniture polish. I’m betting it tastes like it too. I never tasted Velveeta until I went away to college and a roommate had some her mother sent her from the States. I’d like to take this opportunity to mention I have the greatest mom in the world for keeping me away from that.

People are too health conscious these days. Dairy free, gluten free, fat free. Me? I'm health free. I eat anything. Vegans make me want to slap them hard, especially when they tell me I am what I eat. So if I eat meat shouldn't I already be dead? Or is that just a technicality and an 8.9 from the Romanian judge? All these dairy-free people flying their freak flags and saying, "Oh, you're eating cheese? I can't eat cheese.” Then they have to tell you why they can't eat cheese. "It gives me too much mucus." I once met a guy at a cocktail party and that’s what he opened with. That’s where he went in a conversation where my cleavage was trying to have its passport stamped so it could escape my dress. To mucus. Why don’t we just jump to irritable bowel syndrome so I can go home early and fire up the old vibrator?

And while we’re on the topic of things that are just patently wrong, have you ever noticed that in restaurants they always serve orange juice in a small glass? Who decided that a small glass of OJ was all we could tolerate? That a large glass of OJ would kill you. Of course we all know that OJ will kill you but would 3 more ounces really hike the cholesterol? And how about these nutritionists who tell us we should eat our food sitting down. That eating on the run is bad for us. And yet, running burns calories. So doesn't it make sense that if you want to lose weight, you should eat on the treadmill?

This is what happens to me when I fixate on something I can’t get my hands on. I obsess and dissect and deconstruct. Please, for the love of God, will someone send me some pie before I start in on what's wrong with Social Security?

End of chat.


  1. Anonymous11:33 AM

    I will call the House of Pies and get one delivered. What time should they be there?
    Aloha from Hawaii (otherwise I'd drive the damn pie over there myself),
    Martha Jane

  2. OMG I totally agree with you! I also think that fruit doesn't belong included in any dessert unless it is my apple pie. I despise Raisinettes and carrot cake and zucchini bread and rhubarb pie and anything with coconut and...
    I hope you get some pie.

  3. MJ, maybe I wasn't clear. I'M TRAPPED IN THIS APARTMENT FOR 3 MONTHS. I'm always here. Or you can wait til you get here at the end of the month and bring one then. And we can share it!

  4. Speaking of Cool Whip.... The best way to consume the mysterious sweet cream is to start with a bag or Oreos in your left hand and a tub of Cool Whip in your lap... Then, with your right hand, reach into the sack of Oreos and remove one cookie. Dip said cookie in Cool Whip, making sure to cover completely, and consume goey covered treat. Repeat this 30 to 40 times or until you get nauseous. It's so sweet it's orgasmic. (Note: Nutter Butters can be substituted for Oreos)

  5. If we are what we eat then I'm fast and cheap but very good. If we are what we eat, then I'm dead meat. There are some more, but I don't remember them right this second.

    Cheese gives you mucus? WTF? Cheese is like a bad head cold? I do NOT get that at all! Of course, I eat cheese, but still ... mucus?

    And you get a small glass of orange juice to save you from yourself. After all, you might have just brushed your teeth before drinking the juice and we all know how THAT tastes.

  6. What I don't get is a slice of cheese on apple pie. Talk about your no-no's cheese does not belong with sweet stuff. I love cheese, I love pie, and never the twain shall meet.

  7. tommy, I thought I had a problem.

    jami, there's this guy who is always on public TV talking about how when you give up all dairy food, your body loses something like 8-10 POUNDS of mucus. It's also very fattening, which is why it's good.

    dragonfly, I'm with you on the cheese slice. I know some people who look at you funny if you DON'T want the cheese on the apple pie? WTF?

  8. Bwahaha! Am sorry you can't reach the pie store, but this post was hilarious.

    Cheese spread=should be avoided
    Fruit=fine, okay, sometimes
    Fruit in pie=should be the new health craze

    And my mom is totally the one that started that cheese=mucus (grossest word, evah! Oh, besides moist.) She's been telling me since I was like 6 that the reason I had a stuffy nose was because I drank too much milk.

    NO, that would be ALLERGIES, MOM.

  9. Anonymous1:27 PM

    that's a great way to explain things. the gay part of the mafia....that's why. and vegetable cartels inventing gum. i dig it. i think i'll use it in conversation. explain things that way. "the chinese condom cartels are the reason why you got pregnant. not me and my penis."

    ah....i love it.

  10. Kimber, M O I S T. Worst word Ever. Although I have to add Panties to that list. Actually, your mom is right about the milk. Stop all dairy products and
    A. You lose a lot of weight
    B. You breather easier

    Crawling, don't forget the penis cartels, they are into rap music.

  11. You've inspired me to try to make a mousse from two of my favorite things: nyquil and cool whip. I can't wait.

  12. How are you so thin? I agree with most everything you say (although I love carrot cake--but that's probably mostly for the cream cheese frosting); but if you eat like this and you're skinny it makes me want to hurt you.

  13. OMG! You seriously need some pie, lol.

    So, look at it this way.... you're halfway through the recovery plan and other than your mind wandering & posting on your blog, you've been a good girl. I say you'll be back to those Manalo Blahniks in no time.

    Then what will you have to write about? I'd work it for all it's worth. But that's just me.

    If I'd known your address I would have baked a cake, baked a cake, baked a cake
    If I'd known your address I would have baked a cake

    Howdya'do Howdya'do, Howdya'do....

    Oh wait! You said pie. Never mind.

  14. Re. the oj in miniature: it occurs to me that the places that serve me those tiny glasses of oj are the sort of greasy spoon i might go to with a hangover, when i need a big greasy breakfast and a GIANT goddamn glass of oj. Otherwise, I would be somewhere that is kind enough to mix it with some Vueve Cliquot, thank you very much. If I wanted half a tablespoon of citrus juice I would have asked for it, Flo.

  15. don't be so hard on Raisinettes! When I buy them I tell myself I'm really eating something healthy. Don't make me stop deluding myself.

  16. If I was within driving distance I'd bring you pie AND cool whip. Cuz they love each other.

    You crack me the hell up.

  17. eb, if it's mousse for the hair, count me in.

    Jenn, I've been thin my entire life except for the last 2 years when I stopped exercising. But I'm on the Vicodin diet so that took 9 pounds off the 20 I put on.

    snooty, pie, cake, it's all good.

    denise, make that husband of yours bring you OJ and Veuve every morning of your life. That will remove the boredom. Although it will increase the sex and you might not want that.

    emma, far be it from me to tell you that raisinettes aren't a health food. They're just a bad health food.

    little miss, I don't care where the hell you live, get in the car and START YOUR ENGINE and set your GPS to B A K E R Y. NOW.

  18. Wow, and I thought I was the only one who can't think of pie without automatically thinking of mucus. I'm continually surprised how much we have in common! On the other hand, it doesn't say much for my mother's cooking, does it?

    Mucus also reminds me of my friend Karen who apparently enjoyed the referring to her sinus medication as "mucus thinner" for mild shock effect.

    More stories from your storied past, please. It'll take my mind off my hunger for muc--er, pie.

  19. Daniel9:17 AM

    I'm pretty much with you on all of this except for the cool whip. I can't stand that waxy oily feeling it leaves in my mouth. Give me real whipped cream in the aerosol can and I'm a happy camper.

    Maybe meals on wheels will deliver that pie for you? If I was anywhere near So Cal I would be glad to even with expensive gasoline.

  20. Woman! I know you're trapped right now, but as soon as you're out, you're taking this one on the road - it is way too funny. I laughed all the way through. The raisins! OMG! Killer! Go perform it!

  21. Surcie1:16 PM

    Every time my mother in law visits, she complains about the fact that we don't have teeny OJ glasses. I prefer my OJ in a 7-Eleven Big Gulp cup. (Not that we have 7-Elevens here.)

    I am all about mail order gourmet food. How about a pie from Dean & Deluca? Peach raspberry, three-berry, sour cream apple walnut, blueberry. These cost about $60, but I'm sure they're worth it. They'd better be.

    Oprah likes the little pie company. Their goodies are $72 which includes 2-day shipping, if you can wait that long. But it doesn't sound like you can.

    Hey, friend of Suzy! Bring her a PIE!

  22. Mark, yes, we're twins!

    daniel, I love the stuff in the can too. There is no bad whip cream.

    madmad, thanks for the encouragement. IF I EVER LEAVE THIS MISERABLE HOUSE AGAIN, I will.

    Surcie, the lovely and talented Martha Jane has offered to have one sent over but she'll be here in 2 weeks and I told her to wait until she visits so I won't have to eat it all by myself. And by that I mean I would eat it all in under 24 hours.

  23. Well, I am in THE SUNSHINE STATE. By the time I raise the gas money, drive across the country, get the pie and get to your place, you'll be out of the cast already.
    It was the thought that counted, okay?

  24. Here's something you totally won't care about but my grandmother used to live in Ohio and to get to her house you had to drive through Amish country. There was a pie bakery there that was amazing. They had the best pie I had ever had and they had every kind.

    The pie I don't understand is Mincedmeat. What's going on there?