Thursday, May 08, 2008

A Checklist To Prepare For.....

..... being homebound and unable to walk while living alone:

1. Panic
2. Organize apartment to fit new needs
3. Laugh thinking I knew what that entailed
4. Place all cleaning products on top of my refrigerator
5. Laugh thinking I was actually going to clean for the next three months
6. Which is about as often as I normally clean so no gain, no pain
7. Rotate my mattress so I won't fall into the indentation I've created on one side
8. Laugh when I realize the only side of the bed I can get in on is the side I've now changed around so the indentation is still there
9. Always have Saltine crackers in the cupboard
10. Buy and eat Saltine crackers and realize why I never have any in the house
11. Tell friends to put any food they're brought on the top shelves of the fridge since I will not be able to bend down
12. Laugh when the first place they put my groceries is on the bottom shelf while I'm in the living room not paying attention
13. Pray that people will not bring me flowers
14. Laugh when that's the only thing people bring because they think it will cheer me up
15. Try not to think about how, while I'm on crutches, I'm going to eventually throw the flowers away when I don't have three hands, no matter what my mother told me about my birth
16. Place all my pots and pans on top of the stove for easy access
17. Laugh when I think I actually thought I was going to cook
18. Tell people what I need them to do for me
19. Cry when I realize that no one has ESP
20. Organize the books I want to read while I'm laid up
21. Laugh when I realize I'm no longer interested in reading but am very interested in Vicodin
22. Make sure I can reach all table lamps when I'm alone
23. Or learn to sleep with one living room light on for 48 hours until someone comes to visit
24. Do not use my good sheets with a fiberglass cast on my leg
25. Cry when I realize my black satin fitted sheet is now shredded
26. Have lots of cash on hand
28. Keep all credit cards, checkbooks and passwords at my computer so I can easily access them
29. Shit, piss, son-of-a-bitch, god dammit where's my FUCKING purse?

End of chat.


  1. I know that's SUPPOSED to be funny and all, but it's kinda not. Bless you, poor baby. How much longer will it be before until you get a bit of relief?

  2. You forgot:
    Have a game plan for when the foot end of the cast SLICES the tops of your toes while you aren't paying attention.

    I didn't kow I would have to find a way to stuff a sock into my cast.
    I have scars on my toes.

  3. I think a calculated a higher laughing to crying ratio than vice-versa. That's got to be a good thing.

  4. Anonymous11:34 AM

    Ohmygod. I knew you had problems, but didn't realize it was this bad. I had a vision of you maneuvering around your apartment, albeit very slowly. How can we who are not in Los Angeles help you?
    Martha Jane

  5. I'm a comic, I embellish. Don't take me so literally boys and girls. It says so RIGHT ON THE SIDEBAR!

    The worst thing is losing my black satin sheet and the fiberglass cast is lethal, like little miss says. Yesterday McLoserstene brought over lunch and when I put my leg down, a trail of blood was running down my good ankle. That stuff is sharp.

    Dr. appt in 2 weeks, cast stays on for 3 months so about 6 and a half to go? Give or take my suicide? KIDDING. SIDEBAR - READ THE SECTION 'about me'

  6. Add to checklist: John Cusack videos. They go great with Vicodin! Hope you find the purse.

  7. Meg, John Cusack goes better with EVERYTHING!

  8. Next time you go to the doc have someone petal the edges of your cast. That is done by putting overlapping squares of tape around both cast openings. If it is done diagonally it also looks pretty. There is special waterproof tape, but any sport or medical tape will work.
    Call me anytime you are in a panic.
    Sorry about your sheets.

  9. Heidi, leave it to the nurses to really take care of the patients when the doctors are all Just Give Me The Money. Thanks honey!

  10. Surcie3:47 PM

    You poor thing.

    Re: #19. I'm sure you're not including my husband when you say "no one," because for 14 years, I have been operating under the assumption that he has ESP.