Thursday, May 15, 2008

The Truth Will Lead You Out Of Therapy

I bought this alarm clock at the Pasadena Flea Market. It's got Mao Tse Tung on the face and the little blue arm down in the right-hand quadrant holding a red kerchief waves back and forth for the second hand. The guy only had 4 of them and they are authentic and obviously no longer made. I also own an Adolph Hitler postcard that cost me $8.00 which is in my postcard rack sandwiched between a little girl flipping the bird and a small black boy sitting on a pumpkin. People have asked me if I feel weird displaying these cards. The little girl is not but the other two are very rare and no, I do not feel weird about displaying them.
First you should know that I HATE LOATHE DESPISE political correctness in any form. A postcard of Hitler does not mean I'm going to kill 11 million people. Although that would not be a problem for me here in Los Angeles because when annoying people have sucked the very life force out of the towns and cities they come from they arrive here and go out of their way to meet me and get on my last available nerve.

So, gift from you to me? Please help stop the onslaught of ridiculously safe word substitutions to avoid being who you really are. Stop telling yourself you're vertically challenged, big-boned or follicle-impaired. You're short, you're fat and you're bald. Oh well.

How about if I start the ball rolling with I'm:
1. A bottle-enhanced blonde
2. A Size 8
3. And full of shit and pie

Is anyone really surprised there is no pie left? 29 hours. Not by a long shot is that a new record but the Vicodins really curb the appetite. Fuckers.

End of chat.


  1. Rather than fat, I like to think I am just short for my weight. If I were 5'8" my weight would be just right.

  2. I used to be totally against political correctness in any form: call it what it is, don't try and sugar-coat it and just lay it all out there. Then, 3 years ago, my daughter had a bit of a run-in with a big riding lawnmower that left her without two toes and with some seriously big and seriously ugly scars on her legs. Today at the age of 7, her legs and her short foot function just fine but the scars will be there for the rest of her life. I'm still pretty much against being PC but I simply cannot say in front of my daughter that she is scarred for life and that her knee and her foot will never be like everyone else's. At her age, she simply doesn't need to hear that. We're not all PC about it; we just don't talk about it at all and treat her (or her legs) the same as if she had had no injuries. She's not stupid - she knows she's different but hopefully because we don't treat her differently it won't be a big deal.

    So, yeah - PC sucks but tact sometimes enters into the picture.

  3. Wouldn't this exercise be easier if you challenged us to list the qualities/traits/flaws of Klownhuntr? Or at the very least Copscotch?

    Just asking, that's all.

  4. Anonymous10:59 AM

    LOVED the clock. Did you know one of my cats is named Chairman Meow? As to Hitler, Mel Brooks made a FORTUNE off the man, so don't even think you need to explain about a little postcard.
    Martha Jane

  5. Oh, HAI, I'm too tall, with bad teeth and hair that NEEDS HALP. From a man named Peter, who claims he's straight but is gayer than Subway's Jared.

  6. You must be getting your period.

  7. candy, now there's a good solution.

    jami, I'm not talking about kids. Kids get tortured in school by their classmates no matter what or who they are or what they look like. I was tortured because of my scoliosis. Others because they had polio (!) and others because of zits. I'm not talking about kids, I'm talking about adults. What snapped me over to the dark side was when I heard Rosie O'Donnell say the word 'fat' was not allowed in her household. Would that have been true if she were thin?

    tommy, let's start with klownhuntr, the list will be longer.

    MJ, you know me, I worry very little about what others think of me.

    kimber, there's someone gayer than Jarod? IMPOSSIBLE.

  8. There are a lot of those life sucking people over here in small town Vermont too. Luckily, they don't want to meet me.
    I like your postcard collection. Even though I am just a boring mom and nurse, I still like to think of myself as being not always PC.

  9. gm, that's probably why I like you so much.

  10. In Kyrgyzstan (I can now spell that without looking it up) I found a chessboard that featured Hitler and the Nazis versus Stalin and his army. If I could have fit it in my luggage, I totally would have bought it. It's not because I'm a hater, I just love to rile up oversensitive folks who don't appreciate twisted humor.

  11. I hate you because you can have surgery that prevents you from exercising, eat all that pie, and still be a size 8. Is that un-PC enough for you?

  12. I, too, hate PC. Thanks for keeping it real.

    -Archie Bunker ... I mean, Amy Cates

  13. I would kill at least a few million for that clock- what does that say about me?

  14. Jenn, I was a size 5 my entire life. Remember the long long size 5? Well, today's 8 is no yesterday's 5.