Friday, May 09, 2008

It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday!

I'm going to make fun of Dooce's appearance on The Today Show.

Apparently no one told her that skinny people can't wear baggy clothes on TV. Actually, fat people can't either. It's just one of those unwritten laws that those of us in show business know. Not only does the camera put on 10 pounds but now your clothes have put on 20 more. So as Dooce did the breast stroke in that gray schmatta she was wearing, Hoda Kotbe and Kathie Lee Gifford were wishing they had put on a Large rather than a medium Spanx. Their clothes were so tight I could make out a squamous cell carcinoma on Hoda's left upper arm.

Number 2.

Yes, there is more. Do not EVER let hair and makeup redo your look. If you've always worn your hair a certain way and suddenly the Today Show hairdresser says "OMGah that is so wrong on you" brush his remark under your schmatta. Otherwise you will be mistaken for a graduate of the Jennifer Aniston School of Acting and end up touching your new hairdo every 6 and a half seconds.

And always tell makeup what to do with your eyes. I only trust makeup people with base, blush, and mascara. THAT'S ALL. Bring your own lipstick. Make them use it. And what they do to people's eyes is frightening. On one New York show the makeup guy gave me Amy Winehouse liquid liner. 15 YEARS AGO. Fortunately I knew better and removed it. And if you do get a bad makeup job, just go and fix it. No one will yell at you. No one will make you wrong for it. Because no one cares about you since Matt Lauer needs to have his bald spot spray painted and there's leftover glazed doughnuts from Kraft services.

Don't be afraid of these people. I'm always amazed how women let their hairdressers at home do whatever they want and never speak up. STOP IT. Trust me, a man speaks up when he ends up looking like an egg. So should you. So if you're doing a segment, even a local one, don't be shy or bashful.

As an added note, don't mess with a makeup job for film work. Films are now all digital and the makeup rules have changed. Everything is toned down so don't fix the pro's work or you will look like Ronald McDonald. Although some of us already do.

End of chat.


  1. Anonymous12:51 PM

    I must confess that I now look forward to Fridays, not just because it's the weekend, but it's BITE ME day at the Soro blog! Also, always remember that union rules state that if they put your hair up (like the bee hive they used for one of my recurring characters), they have to "un-do" it later. Otherwise, you're home trying to get the tease matt out of your hair without resorting to an axe.
    Martha Jane

  2. That's good advice for on-screen and off. If ever I were on TV, I would wind up hating myself no matter who did my make up and hair. I divorced my hairdresser of 15 years over the hairjob he gave me the day of my wedding. But I have to say that we were on the brink anyways.

  3. Back when I used to appear on TV, I would always show up with my hair and make-up already done. Of course, they would yell but, to me, it was worth the abuse.

    I agree about the eyes. I never let them near my eyes.

  4. Surcie3:40 PM

    What the heck is a schmatta? It sounds edible, like ciabatta. Care for a schmear of schmatta on your ciabatta?

    Okay. I'm done.

    When I watched Dooce, I couldn't get past her part. You know, on her head. Of all the times I've seen her do interviews, I've never seen it do that zig-zag thing. Not that she can't change up her look, but I just don't think it was her idea.

  5. Not to mention the content totally sucked--not Dooce's fault!

  6. Maybe next time she should bring her dog to take the focus off her un-makeover.

  7. merecat, I wish some podcasters would read this before they put themselves out there. If they're not going to be funny or interesting or polarizing, at least put some makeup on!

    surcie, a schmatta is a bastardized yiddish word for piece of crap dress. Think old Jewish women in Miami Beach trying to cover up their arm fat. Think housecoat.

    And Surcie, that's what I mean about changing up your hair. That was not her usual part and it showed in her comfort level.

    jenn, yeah, the Blogging Mom has been old news for a while.

    Chuck would have been a big relief but the Today show wouldn't have 'gotten it.'

  8. For my brothers' weddings I did my own hair and make-up while my female family members went to a pro. They were disatisfied and kept complaining but I'm sure they'll let strangers work on 'em again.
    I did my own hair and make-up for my wedding too. I wanted to look like myself.

  9. Dooce? Oh, yeah - I think I remember somebody blogging under that name. Or maybe I'm thinking about a Beach Boys song ...

    I'm a big fan of do-it-yourself.

  10. Very informative. Bossy only hopes your cable is down if Bossy is ever on the boob tube.

    (Bossy misses you, girl! How's life?)

  11. I’m always interested in your behind-the-scenes stories. I’ve done TV work but only behind the camera, or in the control room, where I’m comfortable. Read: control and/or self-esteem issues. I made an exception for a little send-off party video for a friend of mine headed for Africa; I’m dreading seeing the results, even among the handful of friends who’ll also see it. Especially because I tried to be funny. Tried. Ugh. I can write funny and I can do off-the-cuff funny, but rehearsed funny is death for me. At least I didn’t have to wear makeup.

    BTW, men don’t always complain to the person who cut their hair badly. Especially if it was the Iranian woman at Fantastic Sam’s (she usually does great).

    I found the Dooce interview online; I didn’t think it was so bad, nor did she look bad (if she’s talking about how tough motherhood can be, wouldn’t a glamorous look be inappropriate? But what do I know from hair). I was proud to discover on her blog that I correctly recognized her Southern accent! And, Kathy Lee was no more insightful than ever, and may have done well to keep her nebulous unformed doubts to herself…but she’s probably projecting her own guilt for oversharing her own life, and maybe regretful of the consequences….? But our time is up.

  12. Bossy, if you're on TV, I'll talk you through it on my end. You also have a killer bod so the idea you would cover it up makes me throw up a little. And your hair issues? Two words. Fredric Fekkai. HIMSELF.

    Mark, I didn't think Dooce's interview was bad. I was just distracted by her floating dress and unnatural part in her hair. She also tried to get a cute comment in on Jon that fell on deaf ears because news/entertainment reporters don't follow blogs so they talked right over her. She said that Jon mocked her all day, for us, we get it, to strangers, something like that sounds mean because Dooce is not a comic. If she were, they would have laughed and gotten the joke.

  13. I am too shy to ever be on TV. Once when I was a kid I was on a PBS special about Passover. I was soo nervous I laughed the whole time so they cut me out.
    I am very picky about my hair and makeup, especially because hairdressers don't understand naturally curly hair, but I would let someone dress me.

  14. That is so interesting Suzy, its too bad Dooce didn't hear from you before the interview. Good advice .. i wish I had had more balls when I was letting professionals do me for my wedding. I always regret the "look" they gave me.

  15. Anonymous6:01 AM

    i just watched it- and oh my god you're right- she's wearing a freaking balloon!