Friday, May 16, 2008

It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday!

After sending out an SOS for pie, which I got, and a Lamborghini Countach, which I did NOT get, I went to Nostalgic Candy to buy a box of Chuckles. They arrived yesterday and five two have mysteriously disappeared into the ether.
They don't sell Chuckles out here because the West coast is retarded. Did you know that the same chocolate bars can sit on shelves here in our stores for weeks? Because no one buys them. They're all I'll-Have-A-Puffed-Smog-and-Air bar please. If you actually purchase a chocolate bar, it will have already turned that strange color of grey that chocolate gets when it's been out of the factory for 47 months and wrapped in plastic. When I used to go on the road with Single, Married & Divorced we traveled mainly in the south and on the East coast. I would load up on Chuckles and then eat them all before I got home. Then get pissed I had eaten them all.

I used to do the same thing with Mother's Butter Tarts when I went to Canada. Buy them in every town I played but they never made it past customs because someone has no impulse control. And if you have no idea what a Butter Tart is then you can't ever be my friend.

I have found a way to manipulate the Vicodins so that I can sleep 12 hours a day and then only have to entertain myself the other 12. Sleeping 7 hours a night was really annoying because that left a lot of free time. I go to the doctor next Wednesday, which means I still have FIVE weeks of not walking left after that appointment. Jami had written me before the surgery and said that the time would not pass quickly and not to let people convince me it would. She was right. Three months passes like THREE MONTHS, not like 60 seconds.

I truly hate myspace.(vom) it. I've hated it since its inception. If you're a musician or comedian on tour, an artist selling product or even Pamela Anderson, I get it. But the rest of you? Sitting at your computer making up poems does not require a myspace. And to further annoy me, why not have your favorite unrecognizable song play as your page loads. That way, if I just happen to be listening to my own music, or streaming something, or on the phone, I will be required to scramble to turn off my volume which will annoy me so much I will surf off your page never to return. I know, I won't be missed.

When I got asked to join Facebook a few times, so bloggers could engage me in a game of Scrabble, I looked out my window to see if the four horsemen of the Apocalypse had arrived. Do I seem, in any way shape or form, the kind of person who would play a board game? LONG DISTANCE WITH A STRANGER? If I was into that, I'd be having cyber sex instead. Or chatting in porn rooms. You know, something F U N. Board games are for kids and drunk adults who live in towns where there is nothing to do but load unrecognizable songs into their myspace pages.

Let me bang on the Twitter drum for a few minutes, speaking of retarded things in the path of my outrage. I couldn't help but notice, when I was over at Dooce's website, that she follows 49 people on Twitter and over nine THOUSAND people follow her. For those of you who don't know what Twitter is, get a seven year old to explain it to you. I can understand if people with a fascinating life have a Twitter following. But to write what your kid said or that your plane is late or that you just dropped an orange in your kitchen, isn't that as close to not having a life as you're ever going to get? Put me in line with some George Clooney or John Cusack Tweets and I'll stop making fun of Twitter. I guess we know how long I will be making fun of Twitter, huh?

In spite of all this venom, I've recently discovered some blogs I like. Take a look at this guy from Alabama. EmmaK first pointed him out on her blog, Mommy Has A Headache. I also love Kimber over at Too Fabulous For Words. And my friend Mrs. K is back with a new blog; I think some of you will remember her as Just Jane. I've also listed that insane Aussie chick Fahey on my sidebar under her blog Boss of Everything. Her name is pronounced Fay if you can believe that. Then WHY IS THERE AN EXTRA E IN THERE? Because she's Australian, that's why. She's pretty funny so you should check her out if you're tired of American humor.

I can hear Fahey talking to her mirror, her only friend, and saying, "Poor Pooz, she thinks Americans have a sense of humoUr.

It's in the 90's here in L.A.

End of chat.


  1. Back in the late 70's and 80's my dad designed the then packaging for Chuckles (and a lot of other candy including, Bubble Yum, Fruit Stripe, Life Savers, Care-free, Baby Ruth, Butterfinger, Sour Bites, Bonkers, and a few others I can't remember)

    We had a candy rack in the house - Like the ones you used to see at stationary stores. The reason we had it was, he needed to be kept abreast of the ever-changing package designs of the competition.

    Between that and the fact that he also designed much of the packaging for Nabisco, I was quite popular with the neighborhood kids. There was ALWAYS gum, candy and cookies at my house.

  2. Tommy, this explains why I like your dad more than I like you.

  3. Anonymous2:11 PM

    Thanks for link. This weeks show goes up Sunday and the guest is Wayne Federman. Super funny & really knows his film.

    You can buy "chuckles" at Sparkys up on The Citywalk. They have all the crazy old candy!

    The song on my myspace page is M.I.A's new song which is in the "Pineapple Express" trailer. It stay's because it has small children singing while somebody fires a gun.


  4. Abeyta, you might want to point out to the folks sitting in the cheap seats that it costs 20 million dollars to get into Citywalk. I didn't know you had a myspace. I will now make your life a living hell, or is it too late for that?

  5. Must. Have. Chuckles.

  6. Anonymous2:51 PM

    Citywalk is easy breezy to get around as far as that expensive parking goes. Go to the Frankenstein parking lot and tell them you are their for a job interview or to fill out a job application. They let you park for free, then you walk into Sparkys and load up on Chuckles.

    Not only do I have a myspace I also have a twitter account.

    Also just so your readers know we are looking very forward to having you as a guest on the show. We were just waiting till you were back on your feet.


  7. I was reading my site stats, because I am a loser and like to find out what the hell googlers are searching when they reach my blog (This morning's beauts: Mommy got booobs (sic), granny panties free and of course freaking mr. barky von schnauzer.) when I saw all sorts of linkage from WHCTD, and I was all, "What did that Suzy bitch say bad about me? I will so cut her, despite the fact that she can't run or scoot really fast."

    And then I visit you over here and I see you were being NICE to me and so I shall bake you pie made of virgin raisins from the finest vineyards, rub your one good foot (provided you get a pedi first) and totally call you mah preshus.

    Also, you totally didn't make fun of me for using Twitter, where I drunkenly rant about my lack of wine, and where the hell is my wine, and why the fuck the husband won't give me more wine, when OBVS you should have. But! If you were to sign up, I'd totally pimp you out and get you 11 billionty followers, because YOU ARE AWESOME.

    Now please go get your leg healed so I can come to LA (on a "business" trip) and we can go out and make fun of all the people who watch The Hills.*

    *And that totally would not be me.

  8. Abeyta, the Frankenstein parking lot? Even I don't know where or what the fuck that is.

    Kimber, I have been known to be nice on occasion. That occasion can sometimes be few and far between because SOMETHING is always getting on my nerves. Today it was not you.

  9. Chuckles! I had forgotten about Chuckles! Of course, your post started an argument between me and Larry about whether JuJuBes are the same thing as Chuckles or not. Not!

    Your friend may be 2 inches taller than a midget, not a dwarf. Midgets are anyone under 4'8" - dwarfism is a whole different thing.

    I am 2 inches taller than a midget, by the way...

  10. I feel the same way about Twitter. What can I possibly post every 10minutes that is so fascinating?

  11. Suburban, dwarfs are 4'10" or smaller, midgets can be even shorter than that. Ann is 5 feet.

    manager mom, maybe the point of Twitter is to bore everyone of your followers to death. Then mission accomplished.

  12. No facebook, no myspace. Got a Twitter account because a friend said it was cool (and I was drunk) but never used it. I'm with ya, girlfriend. I don't have enough life left to waste any of it.

    And I think you need to adjust your Vicodin. Here in the rest of the world it's 2008, not the 90's. Unless you're going to have a big BIG party in the middle of winter in the next couple of years with free booze and fireworks and stranger-kissing. In that case, it's in the 90's here, too, and I'm looking forward to my invitation.

    And thanks for the linky love. Call me some afternoon if the boredom gets to be too much. I don't guarantee that I'll be less boring but calling would at least be different.

  13. Surcie6:48 AM

    Right on, Suz. It would take a lot of convincing to make me think that Twitter isn't the stupidest thing ever.


    The extra E is there to prevent the H and the Y from running over to your place and kicking your ankles off.

    Betcha glad about my extra vowel now, aintcha?!

    I love lemon cake. Why has no one bought me some?!

    Prinn FahEy xxxx indeed! Thanks! xo

  15. I just love the way SuburbanCorrespondent corrects everyone about the difference between dwarf and midget--it must be coming up a lot for me to notice it.

    I've never had Chuckles, but seeing them compared to JuJubBes doesn't make me want to try them.

    3 months does sound like a very long time.

  16. Anonymous12:19 PM

    Frankenstein lot is the first parking lot at the top of the hill to the left as you enter the main gate. You cant miss it... cause it has a huge Frankenstein painted on it.


  17. I found your blog via FabGirl. Hi!
    I'm on Twitter but refuse to follow someone who has 9 thousand followers and only follows back 48. I will not worship someone who doesn't worship back. Then again, I'm quite the diva. With no following. WHich explains my measly 151 followers.

  18. There is your problem right there.

    You should be on some Ambien if it is sleep you want. Also helps with the scrabble and twitter boredom. At least in theory. You know... makes everyone play at the same speed and all.

  19. I love that Nostalgic Candy site. My friends and I used to ride our bikes to a local candy store that had all the cool candy. Then we would ride on over to KMart and steal make-up. Those were the days!

  20. Yes, I remember The Brown Recluse (AKA Mom) beating the hell out of me once, for taking all my friends up to the corner grocery and charging boxes of Chuckles for everyone. And I thought I was being so nice. She didn't agree, lol.

    I actually tried music on my blog for a while, but it was making me crazy so I removed it. I figured if it was making me crazy, others must be close to stark raving mad by now.

    So glad to hear you're sleeping better, which makes less time in planning your remaining 12 hours of activities. I know TV totally sucks this time of year. So, what the hell are you doing with all that time on your hands? Please don't say you do something like needlepoint. I've NEVER liked anyone that does things like that. Truthfully, I hate them. So, please don't say that, okay?

    By the way, your recovery time has gone as quickly as the speed of light from this end. However, some of that time has been spent comatose, so what do I know?

  21. Jami, I'll call soon, but when is a good time?

    Surcie, I knew I liked you for a reason!

    prinny, at least I HAVE ankles.

    Jenn, jujubes BAD. Chuckles good. Chuckles are soft squishy jelly like candies.

    Beyta, thanks for the 411.

    mutha mae, thanks for stopping by. 151 is normal. 9,000 is OCD.

    she said, I'm sleeping 12 hours a night. If I could sleep more, I would!

    gm, stealing makeup. That takes me back.

    snooty, no needlepoint, no knitting, no crocheting. Crossword puzzles and reading, is that ok?

  22. Anonymous11:18 AM

    I know exactly what butter tarts are. My friend, Richard, is from Vancouver. No one from Canada is allowed to come to his place in Hawaii without bringing lots of butter tarts. For those not in the know, it's basically an individual-sized pecan pie without the pecans, just the sugar and butter filling, with maybe some raisins and occasionally some nuts. (Most people I know don't want nuts in their butter tart.) But you can keep the butter tarts. If someone is coming from Canada, I want 222s. It's over-the-counter aspirin with codeine, no Rx needed.
    Martha Jane