Again, downsizing the Vicodin was no problem. Although I almost crapped out and took an extra one last night, I instead resorted to another addictive behavior. Eating. Peanut Butter and honey on Ritz crackers to be exact. A thousand of them although to be fair I lost count after the first 600.
Because that's the unpredictability of untreated 'issues.' They show up as addictive behavior. (It took me 4 therapists and 56 million dollars to get to that nugget) You quit one and will almost always pick up another. After I gave up drinking 5 years ago I spent a year going to AA meetings. Mostly judgemental Nazis bleating out rules and regs from the founder of AA's Big Book, Mr. Bill Wilson who, although he stopped drinking, was a raging sex addict his entire life. (To be fair, back in the 1930's the world didn't consider eating, shopping, smoking, sex or gambling as addictions) At AA people can't go 15 minutes without a cigarette and there's more coffee drunk at those meetings than in all of Seattle. And if I pointed out that they were still addicts they would say "But nooooooooooo, we're alcohol free!" There are 7 addictions. Not diseases. Addictions. And there's hardly a one of us who doesn't have something. And in case you think I outed Bill W.? He's listed all over the Internet with his real last name.
So last night I slept a blissful 3 hours. I'm sorry, did I say blissful? I meant psychotic. I 86'd the useless Darvocet and went back to my 2 Unisoms and 1 Xanax. I only took 2 Advil.
So far so good. I dozed off at 2 AM and was up again at 5:00 AM. Then I took 2 more Advil and 1 more Xanax.
6 PREVIOUS TOTAL
9 NEW TOTAL
By 8:30 AM I was still up and on the brink of murdering someone. Unfortunately my family doesn't live with me. I had a lunch today and had to be up at 11. Don't hate me that I get to rise at that hour; today was a hardship as I usually get up at 12:30. But I promise you that me crawling over my bed with my bare ass in the air and that yellow cast dragging behind me shredding my black satin sheet in its wake, all just to set the alarm clock, is truly a thing to behold and takes 15 minutes. I hope I don't have video surveillance in my bedroom because if I do, somewhere two guys in greasy overalls are laughing their asses off.
So, desperate to get even 2 more hours of sleep I took another Xanax.
9 PREVIOUS TOTAL
10 ANOTHER NEW TOTAL AND CURRENT RECORD HOLDER
Then I checked my email while waiting for the sweet angels of slumber to club me into a coma and discovered an email from my lunch date. Who cancelled.
One of the books I keep next to my bed is The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie, who wrote Codependent No More. It's a book for anyone who wants to let go of extra baggage, bad habits, neuroses and our seemingly constant battle with life. The book is laid out one date at a time so you can read one entry a night to keep you on track. So I SWEAR June 5 says this: "Compulsive behaviors, sexually addictive behaviors, over-eating, chemical abuse, and addictive gambling are shame-based behaviors. If we participate in them, we will feel ashamed. It's inevitable. We need to watch out for addictive and other compulsive behaviors because those will immerse us in shame."
I had shame when I was over-indulging in cocktails but I have no shame with these pills. When they're gone, they're gone. And God help me that I don't pick up caffeine addiction. Kinda not what I need right now.
End of chat.