Tuesday, June 03, 2008

I'm Addicted To A Peeled Banana

I mean Vicodin. I don't want to say I'm addicted to Vicodin but I think I'm addicted to Vicodin. First clue out of the way. Moving on.

I was never a fan of this drug when I've taken it in the past. But that's because I was on a limited amount due to dental woes or buying if off the Druggertons, who live next door. Second clue to my addiction is my hypocritic oath, hereby sworn, because I totally trashed them a few posts back for being drug dealers. And expensive ones I might add.

When my doctor first gave me 60 with a refill for 60 I thought he might have confused them with Vitamin C. Who gives a patient access to 120 Vicodin? I mean besides Anna Nicole Smith's doctors. But never one to look a drug mule in the mouth, I didn't say anything. I barely even took them because I had no pain. And the first week post-op I was too busy trying not to throw up to even think about ingesting anything that would cause further expectoration.

But now, with just 27 days until the cast comes off I am seriously depressed. I find it hard to believe that only 2 months have passed since the surgery since it totally feels like 5 years. About 2 weeks ago I was in such dire straits that the only thing that would make me get out of the straits and onto the narrow was the Vicodin. And not just one at a time, like I had been taking, but 2 at a time. And then 6 hours of complete bliss would settle over me like a Thanksgiving dinner. I would prattle on and on about how great life was and I would work like an elf at Christmas on my final polish for my novel, which I'm now beginning to hate.

When the Vikes would finally wear off, I had the perfect pill cocktail to go to sleep. As a lifelong insomniac, (Seriously, I should have ticked off Cat Burglar on those questionnaires they make you fill out in high school about where your aptitude lies), I found a combo-platter that kept me out for 12 hours. 2 over the counter Unisom and .025 Xanax. That is the lowest dosage possible of Xanax but on the few occasions I've overindulged and taken 2 of those then the next day I wander the rooms of my apartment on my scooter, in a daze. So maybe that low dosage isn't as low as I think. And imagine how retarded I look dazed on a scooter.

I'm writing all this out because it's better to let the world in on the secret you're trying to hide. So in case someone else out there is reading this and has a similar problem, go ahead and taper off with me and then quit. If you need NA, go there. But TELL someone. I'm also doing it in case I die. KIDDING, PLEASE DON'T WRITE ME, I'M NOT HEATH LEDGER. And the Medical Examiner would be too embarrassed to print out what killed me and have to instead write in that I was the worst drug overdose he's seen in his 36 years of Medical Examining. Of course we're talking about Los Angeles so there's quite a few million people ahead of me on the pussy list of Drug Overdosees.

So I'm cutting down on both the Vikes and the Xanax as of today. I also have a stash of 24 Darvocet (Good Lord when you count your pills you might just as well call Tatum O'Neal and ask her if she has any leftover crack) but have no idea if they stave off depression or just make you sleepy. Because I'll say it again, I have no pain. I've never had any pain. So the last time I saw my doctor I mentioned that I was happy to have the Vikes and he said, "Because they make you feel good, right?" And therein lies the answer to why I got 120 Vicodins. He knew my situation was particular, living alone, second floor, etc. He KNEW I was going to plunge into a depression because of the long incarceration. He planned that all out and made sure I'd have something to keep me from heading the scooter down the stairs and into the deep end of the pool. As IF I could even do that and not end up in the shallow end.

So let the deprogramming begin.

End of chat.


  1. Would it be inappropriate to call dibs on some of the items in your apartment should the unfortunate happen? I'd like the shell casing wall hanging and the Brady Bunch lunchbox. And you might as well throw in what's left of the Vicodin. If I don't get started on a drug addiction soon, I'll never make it in this town.

  2. Jenee, I'm afraid your drug addiction is in full swing if you think that was a Brady Bunch lunchbox. That thing you PICKED up with your Arch Enemy hands was a PAINTING. I do have an I Love Lucy lunchbox that someone who loved me very much gave to me. But I keep it hidden.

  3. Shh Pooz, Jenee and I are dividing your estate.

    J - Lunchbox & pills.


    Signed by a notary, this day June 4th (it IS here), 2008.

    P xxxx


  4. They say the first step to solving a problem is recognizing one . . .

  5. I love Darvocet! And Xanax and...
    I think that you will just naturally taper yourself off the drugs once you are no longer trapped inside your apartment. It would be insane to think anyone could go through what you are going through without drugs. But that's just my personal opinion based on my own experiences with drugs.
    I took 0.75 of Xanax before my dentist appt yesterday. I could barely walk into the office. Yes, I had a, reluctant, ride.

  6. Prinny, I'm being buried in the red chair. Nice try, though.

    Jenn, that's what they say...

    Heidi, I'm so glad you're my own personal guru slash nurse.

  7. Wont be the first time I've dug up a grave...

    P xxxx

  8. Hmmm...I've been hanging on to my codeine that the root canal doctor gave me...just in case...

    But I'm not giving it up.

    Good luck. Did you ever see the movie that came out in the 70's that was called (I think) "Cold Turkey"? It was about a whole town that tried to give up smoking and it was funny (at least, back then it was funny - but what do I know? I was only 11 or 12...) You might want to rent it.

  9. Well damn! People are dividing your stuf?? What size shoe are you? (say 7 please!)

    I really hope time passes by quickly. The ladies in my office always say 'Don't wish your life away!' but in this case I'll make an exception! ;o)

  10. I am a chronic insomniac too and i really get it. That part about mixing Unisom and Xanax to make the right cocktail sounded so familiar. i'm proud to say, that my reformation took me as far as a couple Alleve at night. I still have to have my Alleve, and I'm not giving it up.

  11. Since I'm going to be having knee surgery in about a month, I plan on hitting the doctor up for about a gross of whatever sounds good on the heavy-duty painkiller menu daily special. Just for the "discomfort", you know. But in case he turns me down, could you send me some of yours?

  12. I wouldn't take anything stronger than Tylenol/Codeine after my surgery. The T/C was wonderful. Too wonderful. I know myself and I could get addicted in a heartbeat.

    I know when I got to the point of "get me out of this cast..NOW!!"
    I would have been tempted to knock myself out for 48 hrs at a time.

    Take it an hour at a time.

  13. Wow, you're lucky. Do you know what Vicodin does for me? NOTHING! I was given them to treat vasectomy pain 3 years ago, and they still haven't kicked in.

  14. hmmm, i stockpile antibiotics. Given my past history i desparately avoid the kind of drugs you are taking. i think things will get better once you can get back on your feet!

  15. thotlady12:55 PM

    Well, as long as you are on top of the vicodin thing...I'm not worried.

    Tapering off sounds good...right?

  16. I thought I was the only person who hated their novel by the time they were finally polishing it.

    I now feel validated.

  17. Reina Sofia11:07 PM

    I highly entrust the use of xanax and valium which you can buy on WWW.MEDSHEAVEN.COM even without prescription.