Friday, June 27, 2008

It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday!

UPDATE RE GEORGE CARLIN at 2:00 pm LA time. After George's daughter left a comment on this blog about youtube and his estate I talked to a lot of people about it because I felt bad that I might have incorrectly summed up the incident. McLoserstene called it when she reminded me that networks routinely bar youtube embeds so that you will watch their network and not the internet. Yeah, the networks are so batting at an invisible pitcher here but whatever. So she guessed that HBO did the banning. And yes, they're running George's specials so it does make sense. I just want to apologize to Kelly, George's daughter, for my haste at slamming their estate. I've written her privately and said the same thing but I did want you to know that once again, I'm part of the problem, not the solution.

I can't believe I just spent 3 months cloistered in my apartment. I've left it exactly 4 times, which is also the amount of times I've wanted to saw this cast off my leg and throw it into the pool. I've developed restless cast syndrome and it's screwed up my sleeping big time. It's enough already. It comes off on Monday. Three days.

In the good news department someone from Sydney, Australia wrote I Heart Cock on my cast. How embarrassed are all the people at the doctor's office going to be when I show up with that? Why am I not embarrassed? BECAUSE MAKING FUN OF MY LIFE IS ALL I HAVE LEFT.

A lot of comics have sent me emails and called to talk about Carlin. I went to one of the youtube links my friend Matt sent me. While I was watching I noticed the embed had been disabled upon request. I'm guessing George's estate stepped in to stop the world from downloading, embedding etc. George would have fucking died (again) over that. He was so not that guy. If he could come back for 4 minutes the first 3 would be him yelling at youtube and his estate. He wanted you to hear what he was saying and he didn't care how you heard it. If you got it for free he would consider you a genius.

One of my commenters, Maureen, mentioned that SNL was rerunning the 1975 show that Carlin hosted. As happy as I am about that, what pisses me off was that according to Comedy on the Edge, the definitive book by Richard Zoglin on the evolution of standup, George was the guest host on that show, their first one ever and yet never hosted again. 'Carlin remains the forgotten man in the oft-told tale of Saturday Night Live's birth. Michaels never asked him back and he was pretty much written out of SNL's seemingly endless retrospectives and tributes.'

I'm upset that it takes death to set the record straight. So NOW they're all on board the Carlin Express. First Stop? Fuck You, New York.

The last three months I've spent most of my time online reading articles. This one made me laugh out loud, about how much coinage people leave behind in airports.

The cash leader: Los Angeles International Airport, where passengers left behind $89,375 from Sept. 30, 2004 to Oct. 1, 2007, according to TSA reports. Las Vegas' McCarran International was a distant runner-up.

The cash laggard: Chattanooga (Tenn.) Metropolitan Airport, whose 300,000 departing passengers in 2007 left just $1.20.

Biggest underachiever: New York's Kennedy International Airport, the nation's sixth-busiest, which generated just $5,228 from 2004 to 2007, including a mere $607 last year

When have you ever heard that New York has been an underachiever? All in all, in the U.S., over a million dollars was left behind.

Then there was this article about James Dyson and his vacuum machines.

James Dyson has made quite a name for himself with his bagless vacuum cleaners. Now the inventor is spending some of his $1.5 billion fortune working on a gasless car --specifically, one that runs completely on solar power.

His engineers in England are developing a lightweight electric motor that, according to Dyson, could power a family vehicle for hundreds of miles. The battery would be charged by solar panels mounted on the vehicle's roof, and/or on the roof of a garage where the car is stored. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the motor is actually based on those used in the company's vacuum cleaners and hand dryers.

Seriously, why isn't this guy in charge of the world? Have you seen his newest vacuum cleaner, the one that operates on a ball? It came out this year. 2008. How long did it take people to figure out that vacuums only operate in a straight line? 139 years. That's when the first one was invented, in 1869.

And finally, more motorists are buying locking gas caps for their vehicles.

The minute I read that, Will Smith's song Wild Wild West went through my head. I filled my car with gas before my surgery. I have no idea why since I wasn't going to be driving anytime soon. But three months ago gas was a lot cheaper so I'm glad I did. I fill my car 4 times a year. That's because I walk everywhere and even if I drive, my car gets great mileage. Oh, and I don't have a job, that helps. It's currently parked underground in a gated part of our building and the gas tank is flush with the wall. Unless the Druggertons have figured out a way to crawl under my car and siphon out the gas, I think I'm good to go.

MONDAY MONDAY. The Mamas and the Papas had that right.

End of chat.


  1. Many of the gas thieves have been drilling holes in the gas tanks and letting the fuel drain into buckets.

    Thought that might cheer you up.

  2. Anonymous6:31 AM

    I fill up 1x per week which means thank God I don't have a car payment because now I seem to be spending about $320 a month in gas. Lovely!

    Can't wait to see the hairy leg! :)

  3. Beckie8:06 AM

    If they don't get your gas they'll go for your catalytic converter. Something about the metal in it makes it worth moolah. Here's hoping Monday comes super duper fast! If it's any consolation (and I'm sure at this point you're all FUCK CONSOLATION!) I heart cock too.

  4. @bex - catalytic converters have platinum in it and can often be sold for $100 each. With a battery-powered hacksaw, a thief can cut one out of a vehicle in less than a minute. They usually target vehicles with high ground clearance - like SUVs and vans and pickups - because they're easier to get under.

    @Suzy - are you sure you're ready for this? You'll have to go out in the sun, shave both legs, stand up, talk to people; all that stuff you haven't done for ages. It's a big step. (Yeah, pun intended.)

    And FWIW, I'm an equal-opportunity genitalia hearter.

  5. Suzy,
    Wendy Kamenoff sent me here. Thank you for the beautiful comments about my dad. Many, many, many share your love for him.

    We are all reeling from this loss, and we all want my dad to live on after his death the way in which he lived his life. And I know we all want to protect him and his legacy.

    But, I just have to let you know, that anything his "estate" does, is per his explicit and detailed instructions at this point. There has been NO request from his estate to do anything with the You Tube videos. We know nothing about this.

    So, in honoring my dad's legacy - to make sure that the truth is spoken in the world - I had to say something here.

    Carry on his torch - make people laugh, make them think, and most importantly, be kind to them, just like he was.

    Kelly Carlin-McCall

  6. I covet that vacuum. Roller ball action. I want it more than I have lusted after a home appliance in some time. I don't even like to vacuum- but I'm telling myself that maybe- just maybe- this time I would enjoy it.

  7. That is a good point about the vacuums ... that guy is some kind of a genius. When i was a kid my brother and his friends used to siphon gas whenver they ran out. That's pretty smart to park against a wall.

  8. Anonymous11:44 AM

    I believe the change at the airport thing is all MEN. Women have change in their purses (or pocketbooks, if you're from Boston or wherever). I am NOT a man hater, but guys, what's this all about?

  9. Enjoy your final days countdown.

    I'm really glad I read the other comments--the one from George Carlin's daughter is very interesting. If you find out more about the youtube thing, keep us posted.

  10. How nice of George Carlin's daughter to respond here.

    And I am in love with my Dyson and would marry it were I not already hitched.

  11. According to the stereotypes and popular misconceptions many of your readers probably have about the city of my birth, there’s no change left at the Chattanooga airport because…
    · We give it all to the guy doing shoe shines.
    · The airport is practically empty; we all take the Choo Choo.
    · After purchasing our tickets, we always have just enough change for the RC Cola and Moon Pie machine.
    · Our beggars are very persuasive…bless their hearts.
    · We have lotsa extry pockets in our overhauls, y’all.
    · We put it down for a minute while we scratch and some fer’ner sucks it all up with a fancy new vacuum cleaner!
    · We put it all in them little binoc’lars on poles up ‘ar at Rock City. Looky, honey, I kin see the outhouse from hyear!
    · If it ain’t Confederate money, what good is it anyway?
    · We don’t use money; we prefer to trade via the barter system…’course, a fresh-killed hog don’t go near as far as it used to when a feller finds a gal he wants to git hitched to.
    · Airport…whut’s ‘at?

    In reality, there’s almost no change left at the Chattanooga airport because we throw coins at people who call it “Chatt-nooga” (like saying that one extra syllable would kill a person. Dang Yankees!).

    * * *
    Anonymous: What, you want men to carry even MORE in our pockets? There’s a limited amount of room there, you know (more limited for some than others, if ya know what I mean). Of course, it would give you a good line when you meet a guy, though: “Is that your change purse or are you just glad to see me?” Seriously: we have a need to, uh, "adjust" sometimes; pretending to jingle our change absentmindedly makes a nice cover. Guess some guys are more active jinglers than others (if ya know what I mean). Did I mention I live in Nashville now?

  12. I heard they were running the SNL episode but didn't know they never asked him back.

    I have to remember to TiVo it.

  13. Nobody takes down You Tube videos quicker than Comedy Central.

    BTW, did you see this quote from Aerosmith's Steven Tyler?

    "To have your feet done, to have your leg done, you have to be on narcotics," Tyler told The Associated Press on Friday. "You have to be on sleep aids at night. I don't know about Joe (Perry) but I was off and running and I didn't like the me that was me."

  14. I am so happy your cast is coming off tomorrow!!!
    My dial-up is way to slow to even think about watching UTube.

  15. You know why no one ever thought of that vacuum cleaner before? Because male inventors don't give a shit about making women's lives easier.

    Until that Dyson guy figured out that we would pay the equivalent of two monthly car payments to get a frigging vacuum cleaner that actually CLEANS.

    Long live capitalism.