For someone who hasn't left the house in two months I sure have a lot to bitch about every Friday.
Would you be the slightest bit surprised to know that I took 1 Vicodin yesterday morning to go back to bed and then another 2 when I got up from my 67 year long nap? I believe in the addiction handbook that is what is referred to as 'Going Backwards.' However, I took nothing else all day so the tally for Thursday is 3. I'm not bragging, believe me.
I'm an addict. If I put it out there, I'm responsible for it so I'm putting it out there. My descent into hell with alcohol five years ago, which lasted a good six months before I pulled the plug on myself and went into rehab, started out with me as a social drinker. Then one day I wasn't. One day all the fat people were thin. Then they weren't. Why?
If you're addicted to anything, you're probably unhappy. You're either in a dead-end relationship, a fucked-up job, not where you want to be in life or in a place where you do ALL the emotional or physical work and the other person does NONE of it. Addiction is just the band-aid that covers up what is really wrong. It covers up what you're really addicted to, and it's always a behavior. When X does Y, I feel like eatingsmokingdrinkingshopping etc. Find out what that behavior is and you're halfway home. I figured out mine back in 2004. It's been a struggle ever since to avoid the people and situations that bring this up or I just have to deal with it outright, which is also difficult. But I try. Sometimes I fail. I'm not perfect. Well, I AM, but you know. Just with clothes and accessories.
I'm not interested in pot, gambling, eating (seriously, SOMEONE MAKE A PILL CALLED LUNCH AND DO ME A SOLID) or smoking. And when I'm not having surgery, I'm not interested in pills either. Smoking was also a big addiction for me and it took me two years to quit. If I even had one this morning I'd be up to a carton by this afternoon. And here's another news flash with addiction, you can't quit anything until YOU want to. That's why telling someone else to quit something doesn't work. If they don't want to, they aren't going to. Move on.
I fight codependence every day and man, talk about a bad gig that doesn't pay well. In case you don't know whether you're codependent or not, if you're constantly telling someone else how to live their life, how to do it better or anything similar, you're controlling and thus codependent. And you've probably got addictions.
I did figure out yesterday that I wasn't depressed from the Vikes, which is what I thought. I got myself into a situation with someone and that is what was bringing up all the old feelings that made me want to use. Once I realized what I was doing, I extricated myself from that person and was kind of surprised how much better I felt. Immediately. Being exposed to this person makes me want to control and the more you try and control something, not only the less it will happen your way, Melodie Beatty believes it KEEPS it from happening altogether, but you're also more likely to act out addictively. That would be me.
And now for really important news, there's a new SHOE CONTEST starting next week to give away the hilariously funny Unpredictable by Eileen Cook. Go to Amazon.com and read her reviews and you'll want in on this. I still haven't worked out the particulars, due to being all high and everything. KIDDING. But it involves shoes and I think that says enough.
End of chat.
Melody Beattie The Language of Letting Go Codependent No More Beyond Codependency Addiction