It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday!

Is it just me or are there 2 Fridays in every week? If you hate this feature, imagine how much I hate it. And you'd think I wouldn't, what with all the NOT BEING ABLE TO WALK and HAVING NOTHING TO DO for 3 months thing going on. And especially since I have 17 days left until cast-off, no more Vicodins and 18 days until they take away my scooter, you'd again think I'd have plenty to bitch about. And you'd be sort of right but mainly wrong because now I'm in that JUST KILL ME NOW phase, where patience is NOT a fucking virtue and if I ever find the asshole who said that I will rip him limb from limb. Why do I think a man said that? BECAUSE MEN ARE THE DEVIL and one of them operated on me and has cost me almost $15,000 out of pocket. THAT'S WHY.

And in case you're wondering, Darvocets suck. Big time. They must have pumped air into the pills. The only good news I have to report is the advent of a new blog by my sometime commenter and fellow standup comic Hollywood Dad. It's hard to find really funny male bloggers, whereas it's easy to find funny female bloggers. I'm guessing because more women blog? Whatever the reason, Tommy's blog is hilarious, his wife is always annoyed with him and he has two small children that we think are his. He doesn't have a SiteMeter on his blog YET so if you comment, tell him I sent you.

I went away last weekend to the McLoserstene Manse in Southern California, or, as it's annoyingly referred to on the local news, 'SoCal.' Apparently no one has time to say the entire phrase so they've reduced it to SoCal, as in, "So Cal, how about those Lakers?" This part of our state is also referred to as The Inland Empire, as if we were a 17th century Chinese dynasty. Our local L.A. weathermen are named Johnny Mountain and Dallas Raines and they are as ridiculous looking as their names imply. We are the laughing stock of the United States. LaLa Land, Hollyweird, HellA, it's all just part of a conspiracy to make us dumber and more retarded than we actually are. Although to be honest it doesn't take much.

Which brings me to my sojourn chez les McLoserstenes. They wasted no time including me in their weekend plans, a birthday party for their grandchildren. I was the greeter for all the toddlers who streamed by my chair, clutching their parents' hands while crying and pointing to "the monster lady sitting in the chair."
Notice the subscription bottle of drugs in the basket of the scooter? It's a good thing I still had some left because they made sure to include me in their many sophisticated outings. Here we are at Rite-Aid, where I was put in charge of, I believe the technical words for it are "Watching our shit while we shop."
Due to the lovely roses from their gardens that they placed in my bedroom and bath area, I had to spend $20.00 at Rite-Aid on an inhaler as I am allergic to roses. I'm pretty sure they knew that in advance.

They thoughtfully made sure I had plenty to read and left these books on the nightstand next to my bed.

Did I mention they like to drink?

A lot?

I didn't have the heart to tell them this dog wasn't real and there was no reason to keep giving him dog biscuits, as their actual dog looked kind of pissed-off the whole time I was there.

End of chat.