Friday, June 13, 2008

It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday!

Is it just me or are there 2 Fridays in every week? If you hate this feature, imagine how much I hate it. And you'd think I wouldn't, what with all the NOT BEING ABLE TO WALK and HAVING NOTHING TO DO for 3 months thing going on. And especially since I have 17 days left until cast-off, no more Vicodins and 18 days until they take away my scooter, you'd again think I'd have plenty to bitch about. And you'd be sort of right but mainly wrong because now I'm in that JUST KILL ME NOW phase, where patience is NOT a fucking virtue and if I ever find the asshole who said that I will rip him limb from limb. Why do I think a man said that? BECAUSE MEN ARE THE DEVIL and one of them operated on me and has cost me almost $15,000 out of pocket. THAT'S WHY.

And in case you're wondering, Darvocets suck. Big time. They must have pumped air into the pills. The only good news I have to report is the advent of a new blog by my sometime commenter and fellow standup comic Hollywood Dad. It's hard to find really funny male bloggers, whereas it's easy to find funny female bloggers. I'm guessing because more women blog? Whatever the reason, Tommy's blog is hilarious, his wife is always annoyed with him and he has two small children that we think are his. He doesn't have a SiteMeter on his blog YET so if you comment, tell him I sent you.

I went away last weekend to the McLoserstene Manse in Southern California, or, as it's annoyingly referred to on the local news, 'SoCal.' Apparently no one has time to say the entire phrase so they've reduced it to SoCal, as in, "So Cal, how about those Lakers?" This part of our state is also referred to as The Inland Empire, as if we were a 17th century Chinese dynasty. Our local L.A. weathermen are named Johnny Mountain and Dallas Raines and they are as ridiculous looking as their names imply. We are the laughing stock of the United States. LaLa Land, Hollyweird, HellA, it's all just part of a conspiracy to make us dumber and more retarded than we actually are. Although to be honest it doesn't take much.

Which brings me to my sojourn chez les McLoserstenes. They wasted no time including me in their weekend plans, a birthday party for their grandchildren. I was the greeter for all the toddlers who streamed by my chair, clutching their parents' hands while crying and pointing to "the monster lady sitting in the chair."
Notice the subscription bottle of drugs in the basket of the scooter? It's a good thing I still had some left because they made sure to include me in their many sophisticated outings. Here we are at Rite-Aid, where I was put in charge of, I believe the technical words for it are "Watching our shit while we shop."
Due to the lovely roses from their gardens that they placed in my bedroom and bath area, I had to spend $20.00 at Rite-Aid on an inhaler as I am allergic to roses. I'm pretty sure they knew that in advance.

They thoughtfully made sure I had plenty to read and left these books on the nightstand next to my bed.

Did I mention they like to drink?

A lot?

I didn't have the heart to tell them this dog wasn't real and there was no reason to keep giving him dog biscuits, as their actual dog looked kind of pissed-off the whole time I was there.

End of chat.


  1. thotlady11:55 AM

    Ahhhh, Suzy, you do brighten up my days, especially on Fridays.

    And why were you hiding behind the magazines? Hmmmmm

  2. thotlady, I'm hiding behind the magazines until the final 7 pounds come off and I'm back to 127. God knows how long it will be until you see my face again.

  3. Anonymous12:23 PM

    Glad you're back from the "Inland Empire."

  4. Funny. How does your friend McL handle all that? Love your cast.

  5. Hey! I've read all those books! Recently!

  6. Several years ago, I wrote a short story about a weatherman who I named Sonny Beeches. I must have had DR and JM on my mind when that happened. What were those two thinking, anyway? And who did it first?

  7. Little Golden Books . . . they'd bring a smile to even the most bitter, bedridden soul!

  8. Ha ha ha! I love the pictures.
    I also love Darvocet, They don't last around here very long. On the other hand, I had a bottle of Vicodin for years until I finally threw it away. Weird. I mean, I am weird.

  9. Look at your blonde head peeping out from behind those tabloids! You are a cute gimp, anyways.

    What's next after the cast comes off?

  10. Surcie12:47 PM

    Watching Dallas Raines was one of my favorite things about visiting my MIL when she lived in SoCal. Total cheeseball.

    I can't decide whether the dog is cute or creepy.

  11. Raised my kids in that "empire" you mention. Hee hee.

    Speaking of the KILL ME stage, I often wonder if we had a little syringe full of a deadly injection inside of an "Break Glass Only In the Event of an Emergency" case which was very close by... would we use it?

    There is at least one day a month when I believe I would!

  12. nanny goats, love Sonny Beeches. I'm sure he could get a gig out here.

    gm, finally figured out the trick to Darvocets!

    merecat, after the cast comes 3 weeks of the black walking boot on crutches. IT NEVER ENDS.

    surcie, their real dog is so adorable.

    cathouse, I'd be afraid to have that glass case around me now...

  13. Did I mention they like to drink?

    I didn't have the heart to tell them this dog wasn't real...

    Cracked me up ( :

  14. Oh that was HILARIOUS.

    And I agree about female vs. male bloggers. There are some male bloggers that are very funny, but the majority tend to be female. And (and I'm aware how bitchy this sounds) the male ones who ARE funny are sometimes nowhere near as funny as the majority of the female ones, but people fawn all over them like they are.

    What the hell? You know?

    (Hollywood Dad, notwithstanding of course)

  15. The only reason you don't hear the other end of the state referred to as NoCal is because the diet industry has copyrighted it.

  16. oooh!! hot!! you are going to get the leg cast fetishists all in a lather posing like that!