Monday, April 21, 2008

A Scooter Accident

I broke a bottle of Bonder over the weekend. For those of you who do your own nails, run out to a Beauty Supply and buy a bottle of this, made by Orly. If your manicurist doesn't have it, bring in your bottle and MAKE HER USE IT. Your nails will never be stained again because the stuff is rubberized. Think condoms for your nails. The accident happened when I dropped the Bonder in the scooter basket and it ricocheted off another bottle and shattered. It got on everything, including my phone and remote control. Even after cleaning, they both look like they were dropped into a vat of industrial waste. And for the men who are now asking, "And you put this on your nails?" the answer is "Shut up."

I mentioned three of my friends on Friday's blog but feel they merit extra thanks for all they did and they arrived after I had posted.

Karen Haber was one of a handful of It girls in standup on the West Coast. We never met (I was at the Improv and she was at the Comedy Store and you weren't allowed to play the other two clubs if you were married to one of the Big Three). I met Karen last April, at the Because We're Not Dead Yet party. She and Hiram are in the 8th picture down. Next to Karen is Felicia Michaels, who won Starsearch in 1992 and went on to appear on many television shows and in Playboy magazine. Next to her is Martha Jane, who appears frequently in my comment sections.

Karen brought gorgeous sunflowers, a flat of water (I asked for 2 small bottles) 3 bars of dark chocolate, a sandwich, 2 cans of Diet Pepsi and a roll of scotch tape, which I had asked for. She immediately did my dishes and gathered up the garbage to be thrown out and at one point said she wanted to make my bed but noticed I'd already done it. She then waited on me hand and foot. She had knee surgery years ago so, like my friend Carson, didn't need to be told what to do, she just did it.

Hiram Kasten is also a comic and successful actor, last seen in Without A Trace. We've known each other since our club days in New York. He brought two containers of chicken soup, made by his wife Diana, along with 5 bags of frozen vegetables and 2 bags of Black Forest Girl Homemade Spaetzles, 'egg noodles' for us goyim. Diana just finished a vigorous campaign for Democratic superdelegate and although she came in second, she made cheesecakes for all the people who supported her and then made chicken soup for me.

Since it's the Passover season it would be easy to say that Karen and Hiram and Diana did all this in the spirit of the holiday, but they are like this all the time. And Hiram is annoying so you get that as a bonus gift when he visits. And he drank the extra Diet Pepsi Karen brought me. He had asked me if I had anything to drink and since I'm not exactly up and around, my usual manners are out the window, as normally I would ask if anyone needed something. So I told Hiram I had water and he looked at me for about 6 seconds before he realized I was not going to fetch it for him. He's just lucky I love his wife and daughter Millie so much. I went to Millie's Bat Mitzvah last year and told her how much money I gave her to make sure Hiram Sticky Diet Pepsi Fingers didn't get it since he was collecting the money. This is part of the invitation to the Bat Mitzvah. Diana handmade them all and even made the yarmulkes.

During the visit from my comedian friends, Humberto put in my beautiful new sink with retro hardware and that night I slept for 10 hours because I was so exhausted from sleeping 57 seconds the night before. Note to the McPoundersons, vacuuming at 11:48 p.m. over my head the night I couldn't sleep was really helpful. Were there crumbs on the floor begging to be sucked up? There is a 10 to 10 rule in place, why is it so impossible for some people to follow it and why am I not the President of all Apartment Buildings Everywhere? Probably just as well as there would be millions of evictions.

End of chat.


  1. Oh the profanity that would have leapt from my lips upon breaking that bottle. But the good news is that you have great friends. I'm so glad you've got some good folks around who are helping. Sadly, the best I can do is give you a dorky thumbs up and a overused platitude.

  2. Look on the bright side: now your phone and your remote won't catch any diseases transmitted through bodily fluids.

    Dang, I wish I had friends. I meant, friends like these. Yeah, that's it.

    Keep up the good healing! (I know healing is work.)

  3. Beckie7:54 AM

    When you're all healed can you come be the President of my apartment building?? The people above me woke me up at 7:34 am yesterday (SUNDAY!) with the loudest vacuum on the east coast! I haven't read the bible in awhile, but I'm pretty sure God said you don't have to vacuum before church - really the crumbs can wait!

    P.S. - glad you have such great friends to get you through this - hope you are all healed sooner than expected

  4. Friends are the flowers of life. Cheesy but true.

  5. You're lucky to have such nice firends!
    When I read the title, I thought I was going to read about how a chair had jumped out at you while you were scooting by it! ;op

    I'm trying that bonder thing even if my nails start to look like that toe nail fungus commercial, blech!

  6. Your blog is SO educational! I read the word "goyim" in today's post and not being up on the Hebrew vernacular, I looked it up. And that's when I found that I am a goyim. Who knew?


  7. merecat, oh I swore all right. Big time.

    jami, better healing through Vicodins.

    beckie, what IS IT with people and their vacuums and their garbage disposals? As soon as I'm president, your tenants will be the second ones I get rid of, right after the McPoundersons.

    jenn, yes, I'm very lucky to have these people around me.

    bee, you'll love Bonder. It leaves the nail completely clear and pink.

    amy, glad I could be of help!

  8. Anonymous3:58 PM

    For when you're prez, let's add morons with loud car alarms to that list, especially the ones that are not adjusted correctly and go off every time a large truck goes by.

    I once spilled red nail polish on the rug at the hotel while doing a gig in Winnipeg. Could not get it off, even w/polish remover. I slightly rearranged the furniture to cover it. Was I wrong?
    Martha Jane