Wednesday, April 16, 2008

And It's Only Wednesday

The absolute two worst things about my type of confinement is cooking and picking things up that have plunged 26 stories to the floor. You aren't consciously aware of how handy two legs are until you only have the use of one.

And unless you've been reduced to the use of one leg and live alone, spare me your upbeat, positive platitudes because I'M NOT IN THE MOOD. I thought I might be able to cook a few things, easy things, like pasta. But when all is said and done, too many pans to fill and drain and clean. I wasn't the biggest fan of dishes before but now they are my new arch enemy. Burlesque and her mom Irma came over the day after my surgery and B just went into the kitchen and did my dishes without asking. She's not the Queen of Doing Dishes either so it was very sweet. For now I just keep buying frozen food and praying my microwave doesn't blow up. Thank God I have free delivery coupons, otherwise online supermarket charges $12.95 to deliver. Do you think that's enough?

As for the second complaint on my short list, I use the above Picker Upper. In between my last surgery and this one, I've been known to use it just because the remote is 6 inches further to the right than I thought. It's like having a remote to pick up the remote.

I'm thinking a fun drinking game would be 6 people with 6 Picker Uppers and random things on the floor: a pill, a CD, a can of Pledge. You have 7 seconds to pick up an item or you have to do a shot. Please do not sit at your computer screen right now and mumble that I am losing it because I'VE ALREADY BEAT YOU TO IT.

And this incident worried me in case of an earthquake:

I'm used to picking up my mail every day but that has obviously changed and now only get it every 3 or 4 days, depending on who is around. So Saturday it had been 4 days since I got any so I asked someone to get it for me. But 7 hours had gone by since I asked them so I decided to email two guys in my building and see if they could get it instead.

"Do either of you have a minute to go down and get my mail for me? If so, just come by and get my keys...the door's open. Thx. ss"

Thirty minutes went by and Lazee Boy wrote me back:
"Did someone come by?"

Clearly he was hoping the Other Guy had done it. In the interim Other Guy wrote that he was away but could get it the next day. I feel it necessary to point out that Lazee Boy's apartment is 14 steps from mine or 27 miles in Male I'll Do It When I Want And Not When You Want Speak.

Two hours after the first email I sent and an hour and a half past his last email, Lazee Boy sent me this:
"If you are still up, I can do it now. Otherwise, I’ll get it for you tomorrow."

It was 9 p.m. Last time I went to bed at 9 PM I was having regular sex. Did I mention Lazee Boy is a gamer, the lesbian's answer to getting straight women to turn gay? What was sad about this guy was that he lost a big relationship because of his gaming and I got to see up close HOW he lost it. He can only do things when he's finished a game or has lost one. I'm guessing if the earthquake hits he'll be too busy packing up his gaming gear to notice my screaming.

Finally the first person, after 8 and a half hours, picked up my mail.

End of chat.


  1. The only time I check my mail on a daily basis is around my birthday. The rest of the year my mail comes to me when the mailman decides I must have died three weeks earlier.

    I like your drinking game idea, in fact, I think it could be a tv show if they used real handicapped people. It could be called something like "Go Gimp Go!"

  2. That would be a fun drinking game to play with friends. I can just picture it now.

  3. I've been through the living on your own with one leg thing. It definitely sucks and I feel your pain. With any luck you had a nice postcard or a cheque in your mail.

  4. Beckie7:14 AM

    Count me in for the drinking game. I'll borrow my grandmothers picky uppy thing - hers has suction cup like thingies on the end (such technical terms I know!).

  5. The can of Plegde would be too easy because of the magnet on the end of the grabber. Pills sound like more fun and rewarding!
    My mailman did have to bring my mail to my door once because my box was too full, he thought we might be away.

  6. One legged living sucks - and I only had a wicked sprain to hobble me!!

    I like the drinking game...let me Velcro the Evil Genius to the wall and I'll play.

    I used to be a gamer...but then I hit puberty.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K (wishing you a nice, swift recovery)

  7. See, the cynic in me asks "Who wouldn't want the opportunity for some easy identity thievery?"

    How long before you’re able to move around comfortably?

  8. That is so funny! er well
    "And unless you've been reduced to the use of one leg and live alone, spare me your upbeat, positive platitudes because I'M NOT IN THE MOOD." ...what if you live with morons? Its worse than living alone. I think my family could have fun with that game, after all we play "Moriarity are you there?" I think you've described my son as far as the gamer thing goes, but he's still young and i hope this is a phase, and you seem to have the whole male thing down for sure.

  9. During my time in NYC (sounds like it was a prison sentence when I say it that way), I was at one time unable to walk (sprained both ankles tripping down the stairs while rushing to get on stage at that place Pete Spellos ran), and at another time blind (tried looking into an envelope and got a paper cut on my eyeball!).

    Well, when I was lame, it was impossible to get any help.

    When I was blind, it was impossible to avoid people who were bending over backwards to be helpful.

    The message should be obvious. If you need some assistance, poke your eyes with a sharp stick.

  10. I figured the Drinking Game would be a hit with this crowd.

    Mark, better than a check, a temporary handicap placard! And a bunch of letters I wrote back before I started college. A friend sent them along to give me something to read. I'm posting some of them next week. God I was gay.

    And for those of you who went through this, man, am I sorry for you! Retrospect pity counts, doesn't it?

    Yes gamers should be avoided at all costs, unless you're a gamer or 13. It's an avoidance to whatever is going on around them. Jeeze, maybe I should take it up.

  11. Sorry I wasn't able to get to the party on time but count me in for the drinking game. But I get to use my mother-in-law's picker-upper. It's one of those with the suction cup fingers at the end that Beckie was talking about. It works really well; so well that when we go over to her house, my kids fight over who gets to play with her picker-upper.

    My son is 12 and has already started growing out of the video game phase. Girls seem to be one of the reasons for that growing out of it. What worries me is that my 6-year-old daughter is starting to play now.

  12. It's definitely not the "Quicker Picker-Upper"...but it's more durable, for sure. Unless you take out your frustrations with/on it. Which wouldn't surprise me (nor would I blame you). I suggest you put away the fragile stuff, just in case.

    But a remote to pick up the remote--now THAT's a marketable product. Target audience: the elderly, the infirm (no offense) and of course, men. Especially gamers (the Peter Pan Syndrome exhibits in many ways).

    "He can only do things when he's finished a game or has lost one." I've never seen a game where you finish with a win (but then I haven't kept up so I could be wrong). So the object is not to "win" but to put off losing for as long as possible. So gamers are, in fact, expert losers. Feel free to share that your neighbor; better have the picker-upper on hand, just in case he's the vindictive type...though most gamers would more likely bore you to death with an explanation of why my premise is incorrect. (Where would we be without stereotypes?).

    I've posted several moderately-amusing things on my blog lately that you may consider worth the time to peruse.

    God bless!

  13. surcie6:14 PM

    I'm LOVING Burlesque.

  14. Beer Pong for Invalids.

    I think you may be on to something.

  15. Ahhhh....Suz...don't know how you do it. You have such an incredible way of bringing in your undeniable comic lovable essence no matter what challenge you face.
    God I love you to BITS. So does monkey dog.

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