Monday, April 14, 2008

Musical Chairs

I've lost 4 pounds since the surgery so you know what that means. I'm not taking enough Vicodin. I'm guessing only women and manorexics know how I'm weighing myself. I have to balance on my good leg until the digital numbers display, which takes a few seconds and a lot of concentration. Some people might call this Obsession. Women call it Trying To Fit Into A Size 6 Again.

I spent Sunday in tears. I could not get up out of the only chair that is comfortable, the red one that Evil Axis to the South, Prinny, covets.

It's a whole production with this chair. First I have to ride the scooter up to the left of it, facing towards the back of the chair, lock the scooter in place and dismount with my good leg. I then flop backwards into the chair,which I've set up with a back pillow to catch half the flopping energy. The black cushion with the yellow fringe that sits on the table is where I rest My Bad Foot. I keep my agenda on a stool to the right of another stool I use to alternatively rest my leg. But now it's gotten harder and harder to get back on the scooter. It's all in the arms and the good leg and over time my arms have turned into licorice instead of into sinewy flagpoles. And now the pressure on my good knee is starting to scare me, as in, this knee better stop making the weird cracking-stretching-pinging noise or is that the refrigerator?

All of which led me to sitting in the red chair on Sunday, unable to reach my remote control because that involved lifting myself up and digging it out of the basket of the scooter with my candied arms, and having to sit through Tyler Perry's Diary of a Mad, Black Woman. What a piece of crap. There were church scenes where songs about Jesus were chanted by a gospel choir but I'm betting that if Jesus saw this film he would want his name removed and changed to an Alan Smithee soundtrack.

After two hours of resting my arms I finally got up and tried different chairs. This one has to be dragged out to the middle of the living room to be useful. And my butt eventually slides off it, taking the cushion with it. And I don't have the strength to drag the chair back.

The wooden chairs are comfortable but after 30 minutes my butt turned to stone. So after all of this maneuvering, I gave up, sat on yet one more chair in front of my computer and popped a Vicodin. Now I don't give a shit where I sit and I hope all chairs, stools, scooters and pillows die a vicious death that involves fire, only not in my apartment. Maybe over at Tyler Perry's house.Don't even get me started on the couch.

End of chat.


  1. Well they look nice. I especially like the red one ..that is really cool.

  2. It could have Tyler Perry's "Why Did I Get Married?" on instead. I cannot fathom any movie blowing worse than that.

    I hate to say it because the rest of your chairs are so stylish, but what this situation calls for is a (shudder) recliner.

  3. See now, if it's hurting you it would be an act of mercy for you to freight it to me, overnight. Ok, over two nights. It is a long way, over here.

    Prinny, friend and evil chair taker. xxxx

  4. Maybe it's time for a fanny pack. You can carry your remote, pills, bottle of water, that weird long arm reaching thing, Kleenex for crying, more pills.

    My husband would probably move things deliberately just to see me suffer.

  5. Sorry you had such a bad day Sunday. Obviously bad in more ways than one. Your arms are just not used to all this extra work. Soon they will be all muscle, sexy arms!

  6. bee's got the right idea but you don't have to descend all the way to a fanny pack. A few Wal-Mart plastic bags and some pieces of string to hang 'em around your neck - TA DAH! A handy, convenient set of matched invalid luggage that travels with you. (You can thank me later.) And why are you struggling with sitting? You should be in bed resting between naps ... in bed. That's where I'd be if I had a lot of Vicodin.

  7. OK. I FINALLY had something funny to say, but then got distracted by the fanny pack discussion... FANNY PACKS?! Yeesh... While I will confess to desperately wishing they were actually cool, I would not stoop so low. Even in your own living room.

  8. What you need is one of those tacky recliners that guys love so much. Call up LaZBoy and have them deliver one as soon as possible...and who knows, maybe it'll come with a couple of cute delivery guys to boot. ;)

  9. I'm just impressed that you are able to navigate around your home WHILE SNAPPING PHOTOS!!! (Or, is somebody else doing this for you?) However it's happening, I personally appreciate it. I, for one, am intrigued by not only the coveted red chair, but the wooden variety as well. No offense, but those look like they would make ANYone's butt numb.

    Continue to recover ...


  10. If you insist on using a chair, you should get one of these.

  11. I never thought I'd see the day that I would long for a fanny pack and a recliner, but apparently the apocalypse has arrived.

    Bee, I would be grateful at this point to have a husband whose sole intent was to move shit around to mess with my head. At least I'd EVENTUALLY get it.

    Amy, those wooden chairs are actually theater seats from some bygone era that I got at the Pasadena flea market years ago. They SHOULD be comfortable, no? And weren't people skinnier in the past, meaning less butt padding.

    And if I didn't take pictures I'd be doing NOTHING except writing and that gets old. I'm sitting while I'm taking pics so it's not too hard.

    prinny, NEVER.

    Jami, I could use that chair.

  12. Wow--I am in awe of your furniture. And of the METAL IN YOUR FOOT!! Good God woman--but I must say, your legs look damn sexy in that photo on the scooter.

    (I am also impressed with your bravery--surgery and sitting through Diary of a Mad Black Woman...and so close together!!)

  13. jess, be in awe all you want but try sitting on it with one good leg.

  14. I forgot to advise you that you should never sit down unless EVERYTHING you could possibly need for 12 hours is within a short reach.

    And the shoestring arms? That's what my por shin looked like when the cast came off.

    Keep on healing.

  15. I forgot to say this to madmad, you're always funny. It's why I love your blog.

    little miss, you got that right sista! Yeah, I'm sure my leg will look pitiful, but the ankle problem had already caused a depression in the thigh above the knee, it looks like a major chunk was removed. So the whole leg will need some love.

  16. Anonymous7:06 PM

    I am overwhelmed by this blog, Suzy. I knew you were in for a rough time, but didn't know it would be so bad. (And I was having my own pity party because I need a bunch of dental work -- a day at the beach compared to what you have gone through...) Keep up the recouperation. I hope each day gets better.
    Martha Jane