Monday, April 07, 2008

And One Week Later

As I was lying face down on the table with my bare ass up in the air, and sadly, there are many such occasions in my past so I can't be entirely certain but I'm pretty sure I never said to a roomful of people staring at me, "You know, I have a big Hollywood blog. If this surgery goes well, they'll all hear your name, if not..." Of course there was nervous laughter.

Mainly from me.

At 8 pm that night my doctor called me at home and I sounded fine, mainly because I was still high. Then he said, "Sooooooo, apparently you have a blog? Where can I see it?"

All I could think about was the picture of Eliot Spitzer and the word Penis from the cover of New York Magazine, all of which I had posted the day of my surgery, wherein I was equipped with certain flammables to make sure I burned in hell. I then remembered the article below the Spitzer picture.

"Uhhh, Google?"
"Oh. My. God," he said.
"I'm a uh, a comedian, and we really don't have any feelings at all..."
"No, no, no."
"Or brains..."
"No! You're hilarious. You really are."

Uh, duh?

Two days later he called and said, "Yeah, look, you've been away from the blog for 3 days, time to get back to it, don't you think?"

So Dr. - No Last Name Soup for you. Until I'm walking on heels and then I'll tell everyone what a genius you are.

In other surgery news, I felt like I was going to die on day 3-5. I really hate drugs and the fact that I can say that, after all that I took when I was younger, is amazing. But at one point I was cutting a Vicoden in half and just started to cry. It was official, I was my parents. And everybody else's parents and had been for a long time. Is this why people start having babies? Because they're just too old to get high?

And in other news, the behind the scenes convos chez Soro between McLosertene and me.
"I feel like shit."
"Yes, I know that, you've said it 567 traquallion times."
"Why do you want to hate like that? Can you get me a snack cup while you're in the kitchen?"
"I'm not IN the kitchen; I'm here with you."
"Well then you'd better get going, no?"
"Before you go, can you pass me that thing?"
"What thing?"
"The thing by the other thing."
"Is that blue?"
"You didn't say it was blue."
"That's because you're a hater."
"And I hate blue?"
"See, I told you you did."
"Here's the real story, YOU'RE the REAL McLosertene and none of your readers know what a giant pain in the ass you are."

Oh they know Louise, they know.

End of chat.


  1. Prinny2:27 AM

    Sooo, you're still alive? Hmmmm. Does this mean I can't have the red chair?

    Dammit Abeyta! I told you we should've broken in LAST WEEK!

    iPrinn xxxx

  2. Welcome back. I hope you're recovering well.

  3. THANK GOD YOU'RE BACK!!!I haven't laughed in a week. Tell McLoserstene that we DO know you're a pain but we love you anyway. Further to Prinny: no new shoes for me, huh?

  4. Wait - your ASS was up in the air? What body part were they working on? And it was up in the air? Where were you? Up on the rack at the body shop? Are you SURE these guys knew what they were doing? Sometimes it's worth it to pay the extra money and get the professionals.

    Welcome back! I hope you're healing well now and will be heeling well soon.

  5. At least they didn't accidentally remove your sense of humor!

  6. Beckie8:20 AM

    Welcome back!!! You were missed dearly. Hope your recovery is as quick and painless as possible.

  7. Glad you are back, hope you can find the ability to get high again, kids are not the way to find that feeling again. :)
    feel better soon and send me your leftover Vicoden.

  8. Prin, I might be alive, I might not be.

    Thanks Michael.

    Denise, I should have flown you out to look at my sorry ass during recovery. Funny. Not.

    Jami, I'll get back to you on my ass.

    Jenn, there are plenty of people who would like to see it removed, I can assure you.

    Beckie, awwwwwwww.

    Suburban, now you get all the resids from that kick-ass TV ad campaign.

    barefoot, I thought I was done with the Vikes but after last night, I'm rethinking all that....

  9. Oh, I'm glad you're back, safe, sound and humor intact!

  10. chandler in lasvegas1:48 PM

    Flowers from Behar yet?

    Hope you are back in high heels son.

  11. "Hope you are back in high heels son."

    Me too, Mom.

  12. Yay! You're back! I am glad you are starting to feel better.
    I have a bad cold, so I guess I should be careful what I wish for. I can't wait to see your feet in the high will post photos of.

  13. Anonymous3:59 PM

    Do we get photos of the health care personnel this time?
    Martha Jane

  14. Yippee! You're BACK! We missed you and are glad the RollerAid or whatever is being put to use. (Isn't it?)

    Welcome back ...


  15. Pomnot6:37 PM

    Yay Suzy! So glad you are back - I am sending you some of your early 'blogs', once known as 'letters' to entertain you during your recovery . . .
    Love ya',

  16. Yeah! Glad you are back! Feel better soon.

  17. I don't know if I had kids because I'm too old to get high, but I do know I haven't had a good buzz in 28 months - 27 months and 28 days to be exact.

    Awesome to heat everything went well and you're getting back to your old self - And by "old self" I didn't mean you're old per se... You know that right?

    Seriously, get back to 100% soon.

  18. Thanks lannalee.

    Too funny, Tommy.

    Pom, ACCCHHHHHHH!!!! You know I'll have to print some of them in here, right?

  19. "All I could think about was the picture of Eliot Spitzer and the word Penis from the cover of New York Magazine, all of which I had posted the day of my surgery..."

    Uh, unless I'm mistaken and/or you've edited the picture since then, the word you pasted on Spitzer was "BRAIN." Now you know how it feels to get the two confused. You have Vicodin as an excuse, men have testosterone. Let's call it even.

    BTW, I did say a prayer or two for you on the surgery and aftermath. If you can't avoid the pain, at least you can milk it for comedy material, right? If I remember the formula, all you need now is time (and apparently not much of that).

    Here's a random bit of news: I just found out the judge in the Scopes ("monkey") trial was my 2nd cousin, 3 times removed (my great-grandmother and he had the same great-granddad). Not sure if it's GOOD news, but, interesting anyhow! God bless!

  20. I hope for your sake they didn't leave anything in there....

  21. april, you mean like a junior mint?

  22. Mark!! This is my brain on drugs! Nice catch, btw.

  23. Glad to see you back and hopefully kicking things soon!