Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Say Yes To Andy Kaufman

Remember Denise Thomas? From yesterday? The President and FOUNDER of the Bored Club? The one who Candy said 'definitely had issues'? Well, she sent me this yesterday:


10. Macramé a new bikini. Would you get on with it already?

9. Take up scrapbooking and compile undercover photos of psychotic neighbors to post throughout the neighborhood at a later date. Make sure to use pretty, decorative frames.

8. Interview contractors. Find the really hot ones, and tell them you want your apartment renovated to match your new, physically challenged lifestyle. When you recover, act like it’s a miracle and be sure to tell them you have full use of all your limbs now. Also that your tongue works normally.

7. Similarly, carefully place yourself on the floor, then call 911. Tell them you need help getting up. If cute EMTs show up, explain that after years of wearing dangerously high heels, your doctor advised that your dancing career would only continue if you had surgery. You’re hoping to be back on the pole by Memorial Day. See what happens.

6. Enjoy the opportunity a physical ailment gives you to act like you are insane. Sit on your terrace and harass passersby. Get a cane, to shake in the air for emphasis. That’s stuff most of us only dream of.

5. Catch up on Regis and Kelly. Call me just before you hang yourself.

4. Remember that you could be climbing Mt. Everest. There, now don’t you feel better?

3. Cat’s Cradle never gets old.

2. Make up dirty songs and leave them on your mother’s answering machine. Tell her it’s the drugs talking. What’s she gonna do?

1. Three words: Home Shopping Network.

In other writing news, I have a new post up at Scrivel today. It's about the one and only time I worked with comedian Andy Kaufman.

End of chat.


  1. LOL, well I called it. She's definitely got issues. Just so happens I enjoy those kinds of issues.

  2. You have a macramé bikini? Can you make me one, too? Extra long?

    You know, you could just eliminate your impulse control and do whatever the hell popped into your head and then blame it all on the drugs. Even when you're not taking any drugs any longer. Hmmm...I may have to try that.

  3. Whatever you do, do not buy something off of the home shopping network! The elderly ladies I work with shop there and… lets just say their fashion sense is not something they should display, you know, in public!

  4. Denise's ideas are hilarious! You really need to try them. I'll be waiting to see a picture of you in your macrame bikini.

  5. I agree that Denise's list is hilarious. And that she has issues.

  6. Surcie8:14 PM

    I just love her. Number 5 resonated with moi.

  7. Nooooo! Not The Home Shopping Network. Someone seriously needs to take you out for something. I have no idea what that would be.

    Now, I'm going over to read your Scrivel article. Andy Kaufman. He was always an enigma.

    I'm sure that your mother is used to you by now. No sweat there.

    I like the idea of sitting on the terrace and harrassing passersby. Give them something to talk about.

    What do you do when only old, saggy skinned EMT's show up, lol?

    Interviewing contractors could take years with the right candidates. ;-)

    Forget scrapbooking. I tried it and it's boring. Make posters. As in Wanted Dead Or Alive.

    Finally, how long could it possibly take to macrame a bikini for someone your size? Hello. Get busy.

  8. Anonymous12:04 PM

    I also said "no" to Andy Kaufman. We were working at the Comedy Store when he started the wrestling with women thing. Not only was it hideous, it cleared the room. Once Andy Kaufman went on, the audience left en masse, leaving 20-25 comics with no outlet...
    Martha Jane