Friday, April 11, 2008

It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday!

How is it possible that it hasn't even been TWO weeks since my surgery and yet by my calculations I've been unable to walk since 1978 B.C.

I went to the Doctor on Wednesday instead of on the Monday they needed me to be there. I need 3 people to help me down the stairs and 3 people to help me back up so that means 6 skeds to coordinate. I had a definite 3 to take me down, a definite 2 to bring me back up and 3 more on standby. No, this isn't a pain in the ass AT ALL. Let's do it every day until I have no friends left. That should take about a week. And that's including the Vicodin Gift Baskets.

This is my Doctor holding up my x-ray as I turned my head away.

"Here, look at it."
"I can't, I have x-rays like that of my entire body and I can't look at any more."
"Just look."
"It looks good, you're healing well."
"I'm NOT looking."

He removed the x-ray from sight and then when I turned my head back waved it front of my face and said "wooooohooooowooooohooooo."

I wanted to be mad but come on, that shit is FUNNY.

If you're a Quease Monster skim past this x-ray LIKE I TRIED TO DO at Dr. Agony's House of Pain.

What can we learn from the photo below?

1. I don't clean my mirrors
2. I like the color red
3. I have tape burn above my right knee towards the back where the doctors taped me to the outside of Challenger.

THANKS TO THESE PEOPLE FOR THE LAST WEEK: 1. McLoserstene for she knows what and has to do with Jell-O.
2. Martha Jane for the $25 in singles and fives she sent me in case I needed to tip anyone.
3. Green Mountain Country Mama Heidi for being my blogger friend slash On-Call Nurse and convincing me that suppositories don't leak.
4. Carson W. for bringing me roses from her garden and driving me to Dr. Cruel's House of Pain.
5. Chase Masterson for helping me get up and down stairs.
6. James Kerwin for helping me get up and down stairs and for being concerned he would hurt me.
7. Irma Slimko for the beautiful daffodils and for sprucing up my indoor and outdoor plants.
8. Burlesque for emptying my recycling and bringing me her Monkey Dog to play with. And for not leaving my side at the hospital until she was 5 seconds from donning a gown and mask herself.
9. Sam for being big and strong and putting up with Dr. Torture's House of Pain.
10. Nikki for understanding what girls have to do to hide the booty.
11. My male comedian friends who called here and accused me of screening.
12. And lastly Prinnoi, who kept praying I'd die so she could have my red leather chair.

End of chat.


  1. Anonymous2:12 AM

    Hi Doll,
    I have looked at that x-ray turned every which way and still can't figure out where that is or what it is. It sort of looks like a low tech metal version of that thing Stallone had put in so that..well you know..but I am pretty sure(not positive) that you do not have a penis.
    So...whatever it is-cool-hope you like it.
    Remember, it may look "too big" at the moment, but once the swelling goes down it will probably be "just right."

    Also, if the Dr is gay please give him my email-he looks pretty sexy, and I'm free this weekend.

    I was feeling bad about not helping you get through whatever you have been going through-so I voted for you on Scrivel. I'm feeling better already.

    Hope you are too.


  2. There is a saying, "It takes a village to raise a child." You're finding that it takes a similar village to maintain a woman (or man) after ankle surgery. I'm glad you're mending well.

    PS -- your Seinfeld episode was on last night. Always nice to see you!

  3. I can't bear to look at x-rays, either. And I'd better not ever have this type of surgery, because I don't have enough friends to do all that.

  4. Where are your toes??
    Did they saw them off and keep them as trophies?? ;op

    I work for an Orthopaedic Surgeon and I keep asking the X-Ray Tech to X-ray my face while I have my hands up to it doing jazz hands with a big goofy smile. She keeps saying no but I know I’ll wear her down one day!

    Red rocks!

  5. Suzy,
    I don't know if you can rent these,

    But if you can, you'd only need two people to get you up and down the stairs. I've used one of these to take very large people down very long flights of stairs and two people can definitely handle your wee self. The tracks roll over the edge of each step and the people just sort of guide/lower it.
    I did some poking around online and found a medical equipment rental place in LA: (323) 936-4104 They aren't open yet (I'm in PA) but here is their website:

    If you can get your hands on a stair chair it would definitely make life easier. If you live near an ambulance station, maybe they'd even let you borrow one on your appointment days. (I don't know how amenable they are to that sort of thing in your neck of the woods.)

  6. Alan is cruising my blog. Hilarious.

    Michael, yes, you do find out how many firends you have during something like this.

    Suburban, you'd be surprised how people pitch in, even if you didn't consider them closeclose, they still rise to the occasion.

    Bee, toes are hidden.I like your x-ray idea and I say go for it.

    Shieldmaiden, love the chair. Of course the goal is to be able to walk down stairs with crutches but I'm ascared! Maybe in May??? Of 2018????

  7. That Xray is amazing.
    Your welcome, any time. I love to talk about suppositories and anything else non-nursing people feel uncomfortable talking about(especially at the dinner table).

  8. I didn't know doctors had that much personality. That is funny. Your xray is not! I like the scooter..there was a lady in Target using one the other day while i was shopping. Those things are cool. You are sounding better. Cheers!

  9. gm, leave it to a nurse to love an x-ray.

    Anne, most surgeons have quiet personalities. I got the one guy who can make me laugh. Thank God.

  10. dare I say I am jealous of your scooter? I want one so bad. Hope you get well soon and remember laughter is the best medicine!

  11. Rock the red, baby! It's you! And yeah - going down the stairs on crutches is a lot scarier than going up. I found that one crutch and the handrail on the stairs was one way to handle it in both directions.

    Once you're all healed up, are you going to go around wearing only the left shoe so the pair doesn't crap out at different times? It can be sad when your partner goes before you do.

  12. Anonymous11:29 AM

    Well it's good to know the doctor thinks you're healing well. It's not a good sign when the surgeon looks at the most recent x-ray and says, "Oh shit."
    Martha Jane

  13. Surcie11:38 AM

    Looks like you've got a whole aisle of Home Depot in there--but it's hard for me to be sure because I'm only looking at it through one eye while the other one is squeezed shut as I cringe in sympathy.

    I dig the red. And dude, you have nice legs. Lucky.

  14. Emma, you can rent them for $130 a month!

    Jami, God that made me laugh.

  15. Oh, I'm so glad they didn't take out your funny bone, just sort of stapled it together... Is that an exercycle? You're not! Are you?!

  16. Glad I could help; laughter, best medicine, etc. I wanted to send you the hot young single male nurse with talented hands but I couldn't locate any straight ones in L.A., so I had to settle for something I could afford.

  17. prinnoi12:40 AM

    so, is this your way of telling me I cant have the chair?

    lossa love,

    la prinnoi xxxx

  18. Thank gawd your surgeon has a sense of humor. Otherwise, he might have had to hurt you. Whew! You dodged a bullet there.

    Seriously, hope you're healing quickly and back in all those totally adorable shoes in no time.

  19. About the X-ray - OUCH!!!

    When I made the comment above about the scooter I didn't realize you actually needed one because of an injury and big giant bolt in your foot. Oh my God, that looks so painful. I have a collection of crutches and I'm mighty talented on a wheelchair thanks to my years of playing soccer, but all my injuries involved torn muscles and ligaments and tendons and things. I guess I'm going to have to read down further to discover what's happened.

  20. Oh, my! Ohhhh. Myyyy. Lovely metal.