Monday, April 28, 2008

Oops I Left The Title Out

This weekend I managed to hurt myself because being unable to walk is apparently not enough of a challenge for me. I tried to get back on the scooter and my right knee slipped and I landed on the toes of the Bad Ankle. Later on that night there was a painful throbbing in my right thigh that was only alleviated by lying on my back and swearing, which can also relieve horniness.

I took 4 Advil at 4:30 in the morning and not only were one of the McPoundersons up and about, but so were the Druggertons, who share a bedroom wall with me. He was yelling, as he always does, at some poor hapless woman. This time it didn't escalate to shouting and screaming, which it has in the past, resulting in me calling 911. That time the woman had been screaming for him to let her go, and I got the impression she was tied up. My 911 call, which I whispered because I'm a big giant coward, explicitly said for the cops to ring me so I could buzz them in through the intercom system but then they were to immediately go to the apartment next door and leave me out of it.

I buzzed in the cops and then of course they came right to my door. After I said "Are you people fucking crazy?" they decided not to arrest me for being obnoxious and went next door. I guess the girl changed her story because the police left her in the apartment. I spent weeks waiting for Mr. Druggerton to confront me but I guess he was too high to remember anything about that night. Since then he's had a lot of different girlfriends but I haven't had to call 911. One night many years ago he got a girl who fought back. She smashed in all his windows, threw his clothes into the pool and broke some huge clay pots with her foot. The entire building wants Druggerton out. He's the George W. Bush of our block.

On the very odd occasion that I am fed up with living in apartment buildings in big cities I always think there would be nothing to do if you lived on a block in a neighborhood in a suburb. I grew up that way and left home at 17, since I was fantastically bored. I panic thinking I could be buying cardboard Girl Scout cookies or discussing lawn fertilizer with a neighbor instead of why I called the cops on the Druggertons. I might be an Incident Junkie.

End of chat.



  2. And p.s. BITE ME please and thankyou very much.

  3. Anonymous12:18 PM

    Is it possible that the McPoundersons are too stupid to realize that they are keeping people awake at odd hours? Perhaps the next time McLoserstein visits she could go up there, and send one of them down to your apartment to listen to the elephant walk, as supervised by McLoserstein. Sometimes they just don't know.
    Martha Jane

  4. If Denise Thomas isn't a friend of yours, she has some serious issues.

    I once called the police in the middle of the night on neighbors who were doing god knows what, and asked the police NOT to ring my bell, because I was just praying my toddler and infant would not wake up in all the noise going on.

    They woke up. To the sound of the police ringing the bell.

  5. Candy, Denise is a friend of mine but she's also the President of The Bored Club. (I'm an officer as well but lost out the Presidency to her)

  6. In my apartment dwelling life, I had Druggertons upstairs. They would get drunk. Fight. Make up. Have loud make up sex that I could hear as if it were happening in my living room. Then do it all over again.

    I called the po-po on more than one occasion. Thankfully, they didn't come knocking on my door.

    I don't miss apartment living. Not one bit. Even interesting stuff can happen in suburban neighborhoods.

    Hope your recovery is going well. I may have to have another big, fat knee surgery. You will know the time is near when I start posting pictures of my shoes.

  7. I've lived in two neighborhoods where the women had moving vans pull up and empty the house while the guy was at work. We've had cops (friends) use our house as stakeouts...

  8. Pomnot3:49 PM

    Suzy, we have had some drama in the old suburbs - arson, stolen weapon later used in crime (CIA employees house), and a tragic murder. You never know . ..

  9. Heather, hope you don't need a knee surgery, that one is supposed to be the worst. Although you could still post your shoes anyway.

    anne, what happened when the guys came home from work?

    pomnot, sounds like my old NY neighborhood

  10. Even in the 'burbs we have to call the police once in a while. A couple of weeks ago it was gunshots in the canyon. The police sent a helicopter, which was nice of them.

  11. So sorry you injured yourself and I hope you are doing better today.
    I am so far out in the boonies I really don't have any neighbors. There are McDruggertons on our road but they can party all night and I only hear them when the wind blows in the right direction.

  12. Candy, I was being fresh because I am precisely the type of suburbanite Suzy was referring to. I do have a whole host of issues, though. And Ms. Soro,in future I will thank you to remember that I am President AND Founder of the Bored Club. Nobody tops me in the bored department, I assure you.

  13. jenn, gunshots in the canyon sounds like kids shooting at stuff. Snakes, hopefully.

    gm, there are Druggertons all over this fine country of ours. I just read that there is now more meth in the burbs than in the cities.

    Denise, maybe that should be my next contest. To see if someone can topple you from your throne.

  14. p.s. Denise's first comment did make me laugh though.

  15. There's more meth in the burbs than in the cities because it's a lot easier to set up a lab in a foreclosed house in the burbs than in the middle of an apartment complex in the city.

    After several years of apartment "living" we opted for townhouses because a) no one lives above or below you, and b) the walls between units have to be double-insulated firewalls. Then we moved out to the boondocks outside the exurbs outside the suburbs outside the city. Now there's a subdivision going in about a mile from our place. We've been thinking about moving to an abandoned offshore oil drilling platform.

  16. I live in a suburb having moved from Chicago.

    I guess the obnoxisiousness hasn’t left me because, although I love to garden, I hate it when neighbors ask me what I’m doing to my garden since it's so healthy and abundant.
    I always answer “Sun and water. I’m not God!” then they leave me alone.

    You can take the girl out of the big city but her big city mouth moves with her! ;op

  17. So, if Druggerton is the George Bush of your building, does that mean he's a lame duck & soon to be out? Or do the owners even give a rat's ass?