Friday, April 18, 2008

It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday!

I called my friend Dugan at the beginning of the week and he didn't want to talk because he had potato chips and French Onion dip waiting for him. I hadn't had any in years so when I ordered from this week I decided to order some so I too could have a legitimate excuse not to talk to people on the phone.

What a let down. No more trans fats. It was like eating Kleenex on saltine crackers. Only not as tasty. I know we took out the trans fats because the United States of Fat is getting fatter. And it was clogging our arteries and people were dying too young. We traded in old cranky people falling apart at the seams for FRENCH ONION DIP?

This morning our handyman Humberto was supposed to call me at 7 a.m. to wake me up so he could do some work in my place. Being the neurotic sleeper that I am, I got up every hour from 3 a.m. on. I even heard the downstairs neighbors leave for LAX at 4:06 a.m. I eventually just got up at 6:56 and Humberto didn't call until 7:17 to tell me he was running late. I know this happens to everyone but it never fails to amuse me that it ALWAYS happens to me, the terrible sleeper. Notice I tick off the MINUTES of a morning hour. That's neurotic sleeping at its finest.

Humberto is from Colombia and is one of the hardest working people I've ever met. He came to the U.S. determined to learn to speak English. I hate people who come to the U.S. and refuse to learn our language. It's just the height of presumption. My mom was an immigrant and taught herself English. Humberto did the same. I would never move to a foreign country and not learn their language yet expect them to speak mine. Who DOES THAT? Pedro, our last handyman, that's who. He didn't speak English and when you tried to tell him what you wanted he just stared at you and then did what he wanted. Because of Pedro, I'm getting a new sink today because he fucked up my old one by putting a million cracks in it. His answer to me asking him how they got there was a shrug, which is the same in every language.

I used to work in a hamburger restaurant in NYC. The busboy was a Vietnamese kid named Cuong. He spoke no English when he arrived in the U.S. and by the time I left the restaurant three years later, he spoke fluent English, was promoted to Chef and owned two houses in Queens while I was still living in a rental. It's like Arnold Schwarzenneggar, our Republican-really-a-Kennedy-Democrat said about the U.S. "The people who live here don't take advantage of all its resources. Immigrants come here and can't believe all the opportunities the U.S. affords them and they take advantage of them." He may not have said it so eloquently, him being Arnold and all, but hey, at least he speaks English and became the GOVERNOR.


1. Carson for turning me onto Fatburger (Best burgers EVAH) and giving me this from California Innovations. You can carry drinks and food while on crutches.

2. All the bloggers who have left comments or emailed me good wishes and healing. It means a lot.
3. Chase for bringing me flowers.
4. McLoserstene for helping me arrange my crackers. That's right, I said 'crackers.' You'd think my anal-retentive qualities would diminish a little what with all the not-walking around but the crackers had Help Us written all over them.
5. Karen Haber for bringing me lunch and flowers.
6. Hiram and Diana Kasten for bringing me chicken soup.

End of chat.


  1. I'm so over non-English speaking people nodding and smiling like they understand what you're saying.

  2. Man, you were so robbed on that French Onion Dip. And on that no speaky English thing, Americans get hazed for the fact that most of us only speak English. I think maybe a few of those types might now be living in America refusing to learn English.

  3. I spent a lot of time in Spain and tried to learn Spanish, which is similar to French (which I speak) and Italian (which I don't speak)but I tried to learn as much as I could because I absolutely HATED that I didn't understand what was going on.

    I only learned French because my mom would speak to her friends on the phone in French and I wanted to know what she was talking about. When she figured out I understood everything she switched to Greek! I did not learn Greek.

    My sister and I are considered the dummies in the Europe family since we only speak 2 languages. Everyone else speaks 3-6.

  4. Learn to swear first - that shows the natives that you're emotional, smart enough to learn and probably serious about learning the rest of their language. I can actually get by in German and Spanish ... if spoken slowly. I can swear some in probably half a dozen other languages.

    I sometimes tell folks that I'm bilingual because I'm fluent in both English and Profanity.

  5. I haven't had French Onion Dip in forever. I need to visit my midwestern relatives who stir the powdery Lipton stuff into sour cream and mayo or something very transfatty.

    I think the death of FOD also has something to do with salsa. When did everyone decide that canned tomatoes and peppers = exotic hospitality? Dairy = love, people, get with it.

  6. I've been trying to get everyone I know on Fatburger for years - WAY BETTER THAN In-n-Out.

    Their shakes are awesome too. Sometimes Michelle and I used to walk to the one on Santa Monica Blvd for just shakes and fries. No wonder I'm so damn fat.

    It sounds like you're feeling better - Glad to hear it.

  7. I'm no fan of In-n-Out Burger (or the assholes who removed the first and last letters from the word "burger" on their bumper stickers, most of whom I went to high school with), but Fatburger charges, like, $9 for a friggin' cheeseburger. That's way too much for a chain, if you ask me (which you didn't).

  8. Pomnot6:03 PM

    Shuzy, when you are recovered from your surgery lets address the sleep issues. It's so important to get a good night's sleep. I don't think chamomile tea does the job.

  9. OMG! I love Fat Burgers and would pay anything to have one right now. Maybe even smothered in French Onion Dip.

    I have sleep issues as well, but I have an excuse. I'm old, lol.

    Too bad I can't send my daughter over to run errands for you. She's a college graduate that gets paid almost nothing to run errands in Hollywood, lol.

  10. Ah! The French onion dip and potato chips takes me back to summer and swimming pools.
    And burping.

  11. Oh, you crack me up! Kleenex on a Saltine! Glad you have some help out there... I worry. I'm dying to try Fatburgers - everyone raves. Next time I'm out there, I guess!