It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday!

I called my friend Dugan at the beginning of the week and he didn't want to talk because he had potato chips and French Onion dip waiting for him. I hadn't had any in years so when I ordered from Vons.com this week I decided to order some so I too could have a legitimate excuse not to talk to people on the phone.

What a let down. No more trans fats. It was like eating Kleenex on saltine crackers. Only not as tasty. I know we took out the trans fats because the United States of Fat is getting fatter. And it was clogging our arteries and people were dying too young. We traded in old cranky people falling apart at the seams for FRENCH ONION DIP?

This morning our handyman Humberto was supposed to call me at 7 a.m. to wake me up so he could do some work in my place. Being the neurotic sleeper that I am, I got up every hour from 3 a.m. on. I even heard the downstairs neighbors leave for LAX at 4:06 a.m. I eventually just got up at 6:56 and Humberto didn't call until 7:17 to tell me he was running late. I know this happens to everyone but it never fails to amuse me that it ALWAYS happens to me, the terrible sleeper. Notice I tick off the MINUTES of a morning hour. That's neurotic sleeping at its finest.

Humberto is from Colombia and is one of the hardest working people I've ever met. He came to the U.S. determined to learn to speak English. I hate people who come to the U.S. and refuse to learn our language. It's just the height of presumption. My mom was an immigrant and taught herself English. Humberto did the same. I would never move to a foreign country and not learn their language yet expect them to speak mine. Who DOES THAT? Pedro, our last handyman, that's who. He didn't speak English and when you tried to tell him what you wanted he just stared at you and then did what he wanted. Because of Pedro, I'm getting a new sink today because he fucked up my old one by putting a million cracks in it. His answer to me asking him how they got there was a shrug, which is the same in every language.

I used to work in a hamburger restaurant in NYC. The busboy was a Vietnamese kid named Cuong. He spoke no English when he arrived in the U.S. and by the time I left the restaurant three years later, he spoke fluent English, was promoted to Chef and owned two houses in Queens while I was still living in a rental. It's like Arnold Schwarzenneggar, our Republican-really-a-Kennedy-Democrat said about the U.S. "The people who live here don't take advantage of all its resources. Immigrants come here and can't believe all the opportunities the U.S. affords them and they take advantage of them." He may not have said it so eloquently, him being Arnold and all, but hey, at least he speaks English and became the GOVERNOR.

THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO I'D LIKE TO THANK FOR HELPING ME THIS WEEK:

1. Carson for turning me onto Fatburger (Best burgers EVAH) and giving me this from California Innovations. You can carry drinks and food while on crutches.

2. All the bloggers who have left comments or emailed me good wishes and healing. It means a lot.
3. Chase for bringing me flowers.
4. McLoserstene for helping me arrange my crackers. That's right, I said 'crackers.' You'd think my anal-retentive qualities would diminish a little what with all the not-walking around but the crackers had Help Us written all over them.
5. Karen Haber for bringing me lunch and flowers.
6. Hiram and Diana Kasten for bringing me chicken soup.

End of chat.