Thursday, January 17, 2008

The Worst Movie I'd Ever Seen...

...was Convoy starring Kris Kristofferson and Ali MacGraw. Trust me, love means never having to see this movie.

In my life I have only walked out of one movie theatre, although I can't remember what film was playing. Since I'm three hundred years old, that's a lot of movies. Last year Screen Actor's Guild sent the screener Venus to its members, just one of many usually good ones that we get sent every year. Halfway through it I bailed and the cooked cabbage stench it left behind is still alive and well in my left frontal cortex. Where death lives.

So 300 years x 20,000 movies - 2 = pretty good.

For some reason, a really bad, truly awful film holds me spellbound. I. CAN'T. LOOK. AWAY. And that is why I sat through Convoy which has, for me, held The Worst Movie record for over 20 years.

This year's SAG freebies were Away From Her, 3:10 to Yuma, Into the Wild, No Country for Old Men and a free ticket for There Will Be Blood. Then there is another one that was sent. One that pushed Convoy into second place. It's the piece of crap that is And even though I was generously sent the 2-disc Shake & Shimmy Edition, that was not enough to keep me from wanting to kill myself 1/8th of the way through it. And like with Convoy, I was helpless to look away. Here's why it sucked.

1. John Travolta in a dress.

2. Travolta's makeup courtesy of an Akron, Ohio mortician

3. who is blind.

4. The hot High School guy dumps his hot High School girlfriend for the fat chick.

5. Didn't that happen at your High School?

6. Christopher Walken

7. needs to be put down.

8. Segregation would not exist if white kids could only dance as well as black kids.

9. As if white kids will ever know how to dance.

10. Anorexic Michelle Pfeiffer kept me on the edge of my seat

11. waiting for her to drop dead of starvation.

12. Comedy is supposed to be funny.

13. Baltimore.

14. End of chat.


  1. I never watched Convoy. Although I do have the song "Convoy" by C.W. McCall on my iPod.

    No really. I do.

    And, uh .. I liked Hairspray. I thought it was cute. ;-)

  2. I have been trying like hell to avoid watching Hairspray. But every time we go to the video store my wife picks it up -- and there's only so many times I can go, "Ooh, let's watch When Harry Met Sally again."

  3. Anonymous10:40 AM

    I would argue the Christopher Walken one. But more importantly, none of us Hawaii SAG members who pay the same dues and also vote, got the freebie DVDs. Thanks for the info. I am livid and will contact the proper authorities!
    Martha Jane

  4. Jay, did you ever the original version?

    nicklaus, ouch.

    MJ, that is rude! I wonder if other SAG members in the rest of the US get them?

  5. Happened at my high school. My hot high school girlfriend dumped me for the fat chick.

    I didn't write a musical about it.

  6. Suz-
    Omagah was the home of convoy(the record). Chip Davis(mannheim steamstroller) was the producer.

    John Denver and davis got picked up by police looking for robbery susupects in a black porsche... and denver was'nt even drunk.

    Carol scott, davis' X wife, almost killed him in a drunk driving episode. He's a hemophilliac, almost bleed to death.

    He did the right thing and divorced "it." But not b4 she got "new tits" out of the deal...

    See,we got trivia tripe too.

  7. Is the CW McCall the tune from the movie? Where it goes something like "one truck, two trucks, then 48. A real connnnnvoyyyy!"

    Because Doug Corliss and I LOVED that tune when we were in, I don't know, third grade. If we had managed to hitch a ride in a truck that was part of a convoy going across the salt flats we could have died happy.

  8. The worst movie I ever saw was "Bubble Boy." I was invited to the premiere where nobody laughed. You know the film is awful when even the people who made it can't fake a few chuckles.

  9. Don, I'd pay to see your story turned into a musical.

    the mickeys, put the bong down. Now.

    frogster, I know nothing about the song but everyone has mentioned it.

    jenee, I don't even remember that one.

  10. I agree with you on Convoy only it has been a really long time since I watched it.
    And, I love Christopher Walken, I just do.
    And, I kinda thought Bubble Boy was cute, but I was probably drunk.
    My movie friend and I almost walked out of two movies. First, I Heart Huckabay, I stayed just because I like Marky Mark and the second was Babel. I know a lot of people really liked that one, but we just barely made it through.

  11. gm, I used to like Walken a LOT. Only now he's just doing the same persona over and over. That is not what actors do.

    Babel is one of my favorite movies ever! Isn't it funny how we can all agree on some stuff and then we can all not agree on others? No wonder life is so interesting/annoying.

  12. The John Waters original should have never been messed with. I didn't even bother to see this remake.

    My worst movie ever seen in a theater would be "Born American" which was a cold-war flick about a group of college kids that get drunk, decide to cross the border into the Soviet Union, then blow up a town. After that, they are caught and taken to a really tough prison for being terrorists, at which time they feel they're being treated badly and go through the whole "I'M AN AMERICAN, YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME" routine (this is all so ironic in a post-911, Abu Ghraib scandal world). The film made me EMBARRASSED to be American, and I maintain that everybody involved (especially writer/director Renny Harlin) should have been shot to death immediately.

  13. D2, yeah, agree with the remake and also agree Renny Harlin should be removed form society.

  14. Anonymous6:31 PM

    You got you some smart blog-on folks. I'm enjoying this. Oh, and by the way, if you think Christopher Walken always plays the same part, may I suggest a few traipses down the SNL memory lane. I am a major fan. The guy can TAP DANCE!
    Martha Jane

  15. Convoy? Hmmm... well, it's no Stroker Ace, I'll give you that.

    I remember seeing a SAG screening (free) of some movie in a midtown Manhattan theater... can't even remember the movie, it was so bad... but at about the 45 minute mark, I stood up and yelled, "Jesus, I want SOMEONE'S money back!" ... and got a round of applause.

  16. chandler in lasvegas9:06 PM

    So nobody saw the movie that killed Dennis Miller's film career?

    It was so bad and so amateurish that it was HILARIOUSLY bad. Funny for all the wrong overwrought reasons. The kind of bad the we used to smoke weed to back in the 70's bad.

  17. try seeing margot at the wedding- people were walking out of the theaters in droves but i stayed hoping the movie would get better- it never did.

  18. Bossy's daughter has the recent soundtrack to Hairspray, and she keeps marching around with the CD artwork going, "Doesn't John Travolta look hilarious as a woman?" which is when Bossy barfs her reply.

  19. But...but...Convoy was that totally awesome song! How can you hate Convoy?

    John Revolta in a dress is exactly why the remake travesty isn't permitted in my home.

    What about The Lost Skeleton of Cadavera? Wait, that's so bad, it's good. Never mind. Thanks for sharing...

  20. MJ, Walken has done some great spooky work in the past. In this one, he's just ridiculously miscast. It's painful to watch.

    steve, yes, it's no Stroker Ace! But then what is?

    chandler, what's the name of the movie?

    bossy barfing to a soundtrack. I'd pay to see that.

    Jane, Margot at the Wedding? Missed it.

    kyd, I can't believe I have no idea what the song it. Going to iTunes.....

  21. Anonymous10:42 AM

    I just have to say that I got home last night and all the SAG DVDs were in my mailbox...good thing I didn't have time to whine to them earlier in the day!

  22. tommy james1:51 PM

    Apparently, none of you have seen either the Jerry O'Connell dud "Tomcats" or the Johnny Knoxville turd "The Ringer".

    I TiVo'd both and couldn't delete 'em fast enough.

    The so-called comedies were painfully unfunny.

    And I think everything's funny. Hell, from time to time, I've even laughed at Suzy's stand up act :)

  23. How did Travolta's boyfriend let him play such a horrible queen version of Kirstie Alley, that's what I want to know

  24. In my family, we say we have inner fat girls that sabotage our diets. We named them Tracy after the girl in "Hairspray". So we're all starving our Tracys so that our outer Michelle's can come through. Wow, she was gross-skinny, wasn't she?

    John Travolta's accent was what killed me though. I know people from that area, and not a one of them sounds like that. It was like nails on a chalkboard.

  25. mj, glad you got your dvds.

    Tommy James has laughed at everything I've ever said because he's my bitch.

    deb, because Travolta's boyfriend is on his payroll and had to?

    myweeworld, the older you get, the skinnier you get, the OLDER you look! Yeah, JT was all proud of that accent. Remember that scene where he said, "I left the arn on." I think they put it in there so they could show how well he knew his Baltimore accent.

  26. Surcie1:30 PM

    "'Cause we got a little ol' convoy, rockin' through the night!"

    This song is going to be stuck in my head for the rest of the day. Thanks for that, Suz!

    I haven't seen Hairspray and Travolta is why.

  27. chandler in lasvegas4:58 PM

    Suzy and Martha J,

    I got my DVD's today too.

    And the unintentional howler was

    (drum roll)

    Bordello of Blood!


  28. John Travolta can make me as limp as a wet noodle waiting to be sucked up on a normal day.... in a dress with a fat suit... not so much.

    Worst movie ever... Shoot 'em Up..
    Which my step son said rocked.
    Uh, no.

  29. Anonymous3:25 PM

    Jeff liked Shoot em up. Lots of shooting and em ups.