In my life I have only walked out of one movie theatre, although I can't remember what film was playing. Since I'm three hundred years old, that's a lot of movies. Last year Screen Actor's Guild sent the screener Venus to its members, just one of many usually good ones that we get sent every year. Halfway through it I bailed and the cooked cabbage stench it left behind is still alive and well in my left frontal cortex. Where death lives.
So 300 years x 20,000 movies - 2 = pretty good.
For some reason, a really bad, truly awful film holds me spellbound. I. CAN'T. LOOK. AWAY. And that is why I sat through Convoy which has, for me, held The Worst Movie record for over 20 years.
This year's SAG freebies were Away From Her, 3:10 to Yuma, Into the Wild, No Country for Old Men and a free ticket for There Will Be Blood. Then there is another one that was sent. One that pushed Convoy into second place. It's the piece of crap that is And even though I was generously sent the 2-disc Shake & Shimmy Edition, that was not enough to keep me from wanting to kill myself 1/8th of the way through it. And like with Convoy, I was helpless to look away. Here's why it sucked.
1. John Travolta in a dress.
2. Travolta's makeup courtesy of an Akron, Ohio mortician
3. who is blind.
4. The hot High School guy dumps his hot High School girlfriend for the fat chick.
5. Didn't that happen at your High School?
6. Christopher Walken
7. needs to be put down.
8. Segregation would not exist if white kids could only dance as well as black kids.
9. As if white kids will ever know how to dance.
10. Anorexic Michelle Pfeiffer kept me on the edge of my seat
11. waiting for her to drop dead of starvation.
12. Comedy is supposed to be funny.
14. End of chat.