The JanFebs

This is the time of year when things suck and suck hard. We've gained weight, regret the money we've spent over the holidays and hate our children jobs. Weather is bad, couples get divorced, and the wrong celebrities die.

Here in sunny Southern California CAN IT JUST STOP RAINING FOR FIVE FUCKING MINUTES? And it's 36 degrees F at night. Are we in Russia or something? I can hear people in Canada removing me from their feeds right now because 36 F in Canada in the winter is actually summer to them. I hear you; who needs my whining? Please, that's all I have left.

Saturday my mail lady called me from the downstairs intercom to tell me I had a package. How nice you say, she didn't just drop it and run. Really? Really? Well normally she brings them straight to my door on the second floor. On a plate of rose petals. With a blank check attached. But now it's the JanFebs, so she's all 'I hate the second floor and hope you die.'

I did an 18% TCA peel this week. It's supposed to Zamboni off your dead cells and transform your skin into a surface that Wayne Gretzky could easily navigate. Liars! It peeled so lightly that it looked like I had dust bunnies on my face. And not the good kind, which are all bunched up like tumbleweeds and ready to be Swiffered away. These are all scattered about like leprosy. And don't look as good. Wayne Gretzky would break a leg skating on my face.

The closer I get to my surgery, the more aggravated I get. Can you tell? This will be my third major surgery in five years and I remember better days, when I could walk without pain. I found this picture of me that was taken two and a half years ago. (I'm the one with the purse)
This is when I could wear heels, walk two miles a day five days a week and was a size 6. That skirt? Sitting in a corner of my closet crying. And those 4 inch heels ran away from home back in the summer of 2007.

Sidebar: I have no idea who that guy in the picture is or why we have our arms around each other. This is just your garden variety Hollywood Picture Taking Stance. I think he manages a singing group from the 80's. He looks sleazy enough to do that. Anyway, it was a big lunch and everyone took photos and someone sent me this. The white dress you see floating into the shot belongs to one of the women who I cut out of the photo because she's insane.

In other Body News, my neck is on strike. It turns out that if you don't exercise regularly then when you start doing upper body work to prepare yourself for 3 months on crutches, you'll be so tense that you'll hunch up your shoulders and walk around like Frankenstein.

My shoulders are so close to my jawline that I could wear them as earrings.

End of chat.