Friday, January 04, 2008

Screwed By Screw Magazine


Al Goldstein wanted a female comic who was not easily offended, owned stilettos and mini-skirts and who could emcee three nights of hardcore shows at The Limelight in New York City. Most female comics back then wore no makeup and talked about getting married and having babies. I, on the other hand, thought makeup was one of the four food groups and had worked with so many male comics over the years that I could distinguish the wife's voice from the girlfriend's voice when I was on the road and answering the phone in the comedy condo. And yeah, I know, your man doesn't cheat on you when he's out of town. And Robert Blake did not kill his wife.

At the beginning of the first show, I was introduced to one of the producers who was coked out of her mind and seemed offended that I didn't want any. Then I met the two male producers, also coked out of their minds. Then I met China Kitty and Carmen, anorexic trannies with grapefruits stapled to their chests. The entire audience was Asian men WHO DID NOT SPEAK ENGLISH. So there I was cracking jokes about American politics (I'm so lying; I was talking about blowjobs) and watching these men stare at me, probably wondering why I wasn't naked. I was supposed to hand out condoms throughout the show but I ended up just throwing them at the audience so they wouldn't rush the stage and trample me with their tiny dicks.

Sidebar: I have not ever seen an Asian dick but in the spirit of stereotypical discrimination I bow to the populace.

 I brought the trannies out first and the Asians chanted "They is men. They is men." Had they not ever seen transvestites in the Far East? There are some trying on clothes in my bedroom as I write this for God's sakes. China and Carmen ran off stage. I only wish I had had the sense to follow them. Ron Jeremy got thunderous applause, as did Seka and Candida. Whenever I came back on stage between acts, there was this big collective sigh, like "Oh great, it's the COMIC. With her clothes on."

I was fired the next day.

14 comments:

  1. Then I met China Kitty and Carmen, anorexic trannies with grapefruits stapled to their chests.

    And now of course I'm going to be thinking of Amanda Lepour all day.

    Okay, fine. I do that anyway.

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  2. OK. There were so many good lines in here I don't know where to start commenting. Oh well. Maybe I'll just go back to staring at my own blank screen, like I'm supposed to be... But thanks for the laugh break!

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  3. "SCREW" Them all Suzy... I bet that was one job you were eager to be fired from?... Enjoyed the story.

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  4. Did they at least pay you for the whole contract? Did you get to keep any leftover condoms? Did you ever consider taking your clothes off just so they'd look at you and then possibly listen to your jokes?

    Wait ... your bedroom is in the Far East?

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  5. Surcie8:55 AM

    Freaks.

    This is one for the book, Suz! Bizarre and hilarious.

    BTW, did you read about Bossy's road trip? I think you should be a stop on her tour.

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  6. susskins, not a fan of Lepore but don't get my started on RuPaul.

    madmad, good luck with the blank screen.

    boxers, that job should have been a cake walk, easy money.

    jami, they only paid for one night. The guy that booked me was as slimy as they were.

    surcie, the trip to NY or the college trip?

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  7. surcie....oh THAT road trip. I'm up to speed now...

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  8. Anonymous10:28 AM

    That sounds worse that a gig that I had, performing in Vegas at a crappy casino in the "Playboy Girls of Rock and Roll" show in the 80s. I was the only one in the show wearing clothes (probably to the great relief of the audience). My respect for you grows as I see more and more of your stories.
    Aloha,
    Martha Jane

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  9. Gads. What a night. It's sad when men can't appreciate good blowjob humor, no matter what the reason.

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  10. Oh, what an exciting life you lead! Soo much fun. Thanks for the laugh, I am at work and really needed one.

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  11. Great story suz!


    :::god, Im a bore:::

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  12. That would be part of a great chapter in your book. Love the stereotypes.

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  13. And now you'll never have to add "Emcee To A Debauched Porn Party" to your end-of-life Bucket List.

    How I envy you.

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  14. At least the tiny dicked men didn't yell "she is man" to you.

    Fantastic story! I would SO buy you in an S&M auction. What more do you want, indeed.

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