Somebody Please Call My Mother

I'm the type of person who, when confronted with a To Do list of 10 things, will complete the 7 easiest ones in about 56 minutes. Then I'm left with a false sense of accomplishment and can coast for days on my ability to do things half-assedly.

So the 3 hardest things I leave for last are usually in the categories:

1. Sever own limb

2. Climb Mt. Everest

3. Call my family

I can drag out these last 3 until I'm seconds away from cardiac arrest. And with my surgery 29 days away, that's exactly what I've done. Again.

Only my list does not have 10 things on it. I started out with that dream and then that list had babies and now it looks like this:

Just to give you an idea of how far I can take this, one of my 3 hardest tasks on this current list included completing the trademark on my blog name. Months after I started blogging I got emails from industry about how great the name was, plus a mob suggestion from a well known comedy writer here in LA that I should trademark it. It required a lot more money than I wanted to spend and multiple merchandise samples to submit to the United States Patent and Trademark Office but because of the ubiquity of the Where 'Something' Comes To Die concept, I went ahead with it. The name was approved but of the four samples submitted, only two were accepted. The other two were rejected because of a colon.

And not the kind in your intestine.

The USPTO said I had six months to redo the last two samples. In my world, the rest of my life. So first I removed the colon from my banner only to realize that now it looked like I knew nothing about punctuation. And I'm a writer and that's part of what you need to, you know, write. So I'm aware of rules like where to place a semi-colon, that an ellipsis has 3 dots and that in a series of three or more terms with a single conjunction a comma is required after each term except the last and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

So Hollywood: Where Hot Comes To Die™ is correct. Without the colon? Not so much. Maybe no one else has noticed but now that I've told you, admit that it looks like I flunked 5th grade English. Which, looking back, I might have.

The last sample was more complicated to fix so of course I waited until the penultimate second to resubmit. Now I'm just praying that it doesn't get rejected because of another body part.

The last thing on my list is Call My Mother. Anyone?

End of chat.