Thursday, January 31, 2008

Ready, Set, Gross

My surgery is in 19 days.

I'll be on crutches for 3 months in my apartment, which is on the 2nd floor in a non-elevator building because apparently I don't have the ability to see into the future. So naturally I thought I should try and get the place in shape so that by the big day, things would be organized. Ready. Prepared.

If you'll recall, I had a very long list.

The first thing I did was place the paper cutter on top of the HD box, next to the TV, in case I needed to trim off the speakers of the TV or cut the glass in the paintings above it to make coasters. I'm practical that way.

Those are some of my trademark papers on top of the paper cutter, so maybe I should cut them into little square shapes and stick them between 2 pieces of the cut glass when I make those coasters, thus giving my guests something to read while I bore them to tears about my surgery and ask them why they didn't bring me flowers painkillers. Hey, I'm not wasting my time over here.

I also painted this wall. Crutches hate an unfinished wall.

Then I organized my office so that I could find everything at a year's moment's notice.

Those albums are half of my scrapbooks and photo albums from my long, illustrious life of working two weeks a month and complaining the other two.

And last, but not least, I thought it might be nice to organize my back bedroom closet so I could easily get to all the clothes I wear over and over and over . That grey suitcase has been there for over a year, filled with framed portraits of dead family members I never knew. I guess they're from my family. They might be dead family members from one of my Dad's 4 wives. EXCELLENT Feng Shui by the way. One of the last things on the list is to figure out how to balance a plate of food on my head while walking with crutches but other than that, I think I'm making myself crazy progress. I'm thinking of making a dress that is entirely made out of pockets.

Or maybe tying Zorro's hat to my head? But only if Antonio Banderas comes attached to it. But then I'd have to keep Melanie Griffith occupied and you know what a pain she can be. "No Melanie, I do not have any spare collagen and syringes sitting around."

End of chat.

12 comments:

  1. Well, you reeled me in with "Gross" but when I got here there wasn't any gross stuff. A lot of STUFF, yeah, but nothing really gross. Is that false advertising or headlining or captioning or something?

    Oh, get a little red wagon - not one of those big ones but a little one - and tie a rope to the handle. Put the stuff you need to schlep around in the wagon. Then you can tie the other end of the rope around your waist or wrist or something and pull your stuff along behind you. Either that, or get Melanie and Antonio to be your nurses.

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  2. Jami, usually my place is immaculate so to me, this was gross.

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  3. Anonymous3:11 PM

    I am afraid. I am very afraid. I have to organize my apartment and I'm not having surgery (that I know of). You are very brave.
    Aloha,
    Martha Jane

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  4. The only way to eat on crutches is to fix up your plate and eat while standing by the kitchen counter. This is how I eat all the time, so really, what do I know?

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  5. mywee, I was afraid that was my only choice...

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  6. Pom NOT6:39 PM

    Maybe you can get down the stairs sitting down?? or if you get a wheelchair, a glitzy one, of course, there are evacuation techniques (you need 2 other people)to get down stairs . . .I wish I lived closer-I could throw you in the back of my station wagon and we could cruise around!

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  7. Yes Pom, I wish you lived closer too. (wink)

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  8. That pocket shirt thing sounds pretty sweet. I have a friend who swears by hear lab coat because the pockets are so awesome. You laugh, but I think you will find it handy.Then all you have to do is put your mac-n-cheese in a ziploc bag, slip it in the pocket along with a spoon and you can eat anywhere you like.

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  9. merecat, I'm not laughing, that actually sounds like a good idea! I just got a black furry robe with big pockets but I didn't go that extra mile and think of the mac and cheese in a ziploc!

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  10. You crack me up! Maybe we can just get you some knitting lessons - then you won't need to get up! (Plus those long needles come in handy for things: scratching backs, reaching for wine glasses, whacking anyone who annoys you....)

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  11. I wish I lived close enough to bring you gourmet meals on wheels. I'm a pretty good cook....but not so much by mail!

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  12. madmad, I crochet a shawl when I was a kid and I still have it!

    shieldmaiden, yes, I wished you lived nearby as well!!

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