Thursday, October 18, 2007

Why We Stare At Hot People

I took this off AOL. Why didn't I link it? Too lazy. See you at the bottom of the quote. I'll be the one lying on the couch doing nothing.

"If we're interested in finding a mate, our attention gets automatically stuck on attractive members of the opposite sex, but if we're jealous and worried about our partner cheating on us, attention gets automatically stuck on attractive people of our own sex because they are our competitors."

\_______________/<----That's my couch without me on it because I can't photoshop. Okay, the rest of the story. I was dating The Impotentate, a tall, handsome Marlboro Man Look-A-Like. I wasted seven years of my life with him because there is apparently something wrong with me. I had met his ex-wife and she was very pretty. I also knew he had dated a Miss World and a Miss Hawaiian Tropic but I never felt threatened in any way. Then one day we went to Marina Del Rey to spend the day on one of his friends' boat. I showed up late and as I was being introduced around, a tall, drop-dead gorgeous blonde named Charlotte caught my eye. No I'm not gay in case you think that's what is wrong with me. Please don't comment that being gay is wrong. Gay is fine. Not understanding humor is wrong. Anyway, Charlotte was stunning in the way that only home-grown California girls are stunning. Beautiful tan, perfectly toned body and sun-kissed hair. I started stuttering in Japanese or maybe I started puking. All I could think about was that if this chick was coming on the boat with us, I would have to throw her, or myself, off the port bow. And she was wearing a bikini. What kind of psycho wears a bikini to go boating? In California? In the summer? An area rug and rubber boots would have been perfectly acceptable but nooooooo, someone wanted to show off her little whore's body.

I couldn't stop staring at her and I forgot all about The Impotentate. When I finally looked his way, planning to catch him OBVIOUSLY staring at her and mentally fondling her breasts, I was surprised to see that he was looking at me instead. Probably because my head was on fire and he was trying to decide how to put it out.

Then he said these magic words. Words that only the man you're dating and temporarily in love with could say. Words that would change that day for all time.

"Charlotte's not coming."

"Oh really? Charlotte, you can't come? Gee, that's too bad."
"Welllllll, I might be able to get out of this thing and then....."
"Well, if you can't, you can't. Off you go."

End of chat.

7 comments:

  1. I've missed a few days worth of entries, but wow! what great stories and keen observations...so insightful (makes sense). I've dated a few cheaters but never really figured it out. I'd usually strike up with them one last time after we'd both moved on, had some passionate evening and then ignore requests for my new phone number, whatever. Its not really getting even, just proving that I can be as superficial as they are.

    ReplyDelete
  2. OK, I am laughing loudly now! I think I would get a kick out of watching my husbands reaction to such a gorgeous whore, I mean woman. And that would be after I checked her out from head to toe out of pure curiostity (jealousy), not lesbianosity.

    ReplyDelete
  3. So it's a sign of a healthy relationship that I'm always checking out other women. I'll let my wife know.

    This is why I could never be gay. I wouldn't know who to be fixated on when. Too complicated. I just like boobs.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Maybe this explains one of the possible causes of ADD: bisexuality. Bi people are simply distracted all the time. Unless there's nothing but, like, Wookies around.

    ReplyDelete
  5. i learn new words here.

    ReplyDelete
  6. anne, been there, and the revenge is sweet.

    gm, a new word! yay.

    uh diesel, you need to read the quote again. It's the opposite of what you think.

    jami, ADD, that explains so much!

    The mickeys, are you referring to gm's word? She's a nurse. She knows stuff.

    ReplyDelete
  7. suz, yeah, and wookie's

    ReplyDelete