Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Seriously, I Might Be Losing It

Over the weekend I was in bed channel surfing and got fixated on those televangelical shows. I like to listen to the preachers' timing, better than most comedians', and the way they try and explain the Bible, which I'm not sure is possible since it was written over the course of 200 years and, according to one of my college professors, by many people, a lot of whom smoked the poppies that grew in that region. I don't know, maybe he was there at the time.

Anyway, I always stop and watch for a minute or 26. Sometimes I'll look for them if the morning news is boring. These Pulpit Thumpers do not suffer from that affliction. Well, except for this one guy who is like a million years old, sits in a chair and just reads to the camera out of what looks like a thirty pound Bible. His pages are so thin from all the thumbing that sometimes you can see through them all the way to his Hanes undershirt. He's so dull that I wonder who listens to him. And then I realize that I am.

Then there's Benny Hinn, who wears Indian Hindu clothes and is a Christian. Just leave the trousers at home and come as the big girl that you are, Hinn. And he keeps pushing people backwards. Am I the only one who wants to see one of them hit the stage and then not be able to get up and walk? Who watches a man knocking people out and it's not on Pay Per View? And then I realize that I am.

But I have always jumped the 700 Club. Until this weekend. There were two hosts, a man and a woman, and the man was talking about people having a lot of pain out there in TV Land and that got my attention. He and this woman were going to pray for those that were suffering. All you had to do was grab hold of the area that hurt and then they would pray over the entire United States of America. Awwwwww.

And I'm thinking, who the hell is doing this at home?

That would be me. I reached down and wrapped my hand around the part of my ankle that hurts. Only that forced me into such an awkward position that now I looked like half of a position from the Kama Sutra. The kind that you look at upside down and think "How did they do that?"

And then, after rattling off a laundry list of various diseases that they magically healed through the power of charlatanism, the male host said, "And there is someone out there who is having problems with an ankle (OMG), with the tendons and muscles (OMG Squared) and now that is being healed."

I haven't had the MRI yet but if it is a muscle or tendon problem....? But then I thought, wait a minute, who the hell is sitting at home believing their pain has been healed on television by Captain and Mrs. McCrazy? And then I realized that I did. Anyone know any shamans or want to sell me some magical beads?

And no it didn't fucking work.

End of chat.


  1. When I lived in Hawaii, I heard Benny Hinn was coming to town and made a point to go see him with a friend. I wanted to go down to the floor to be "healed" but knew I couldn't go through with it without busting up. But the guy puts on a great show- even for a heathen like myself.

  2. I am sorry it didn't work. Good job trying. Now go get the freakin MRI in Idaho.

  3. surcie6:41 AM

    Hey, we did sorta blog about similar stuff!

    I detest Pat Robertson so much, I can't watch 700 Club for even a second. (The man you saw probably was his son.) He hijacked Christianity for his own political gain (especially when he ran for President), equating the faith with being a Republican--as if GOP stands for God's Own Party. He has made God in his OWN image, and it's reprehensible. I just remembered Anne Lamott's quote: You can tell you have created God in your own image when it turns out that he or she hates all of the same people you do. I know that a lot of (possibly) lovely people watch that show and love it, but I'm pretty sure Satan does, too.

    I do believe that God can and does heal people physically, relationally, etc. (I hope that God heals your ankle--either miraculously or through great medical intervention.) The problem with the whole Benny Hinn thing is that even if people are being healed by Jesus in his presence, the focus is Hinn. Viewers think HE is the answer. I believe that people who are truly imbued with the spirit are humble and loving--like the little old ladies I know who are delivering food today via Meals on Wheels. End of rant.

  4. surcie6:42 AM

    PS: Lamott's quote ended at "do."

  5. Anonymous11:36 AM

    Try to find an old Sam Kinison DVD or tape (well, from the beginning of his career when he hadn't given himself over to too many drugs). He started as an evangelist preacher. His whole act and timing was based on it. It was flawless. He was a star. He would have healed you (but you probably would have to have slept with him).
    Martha Jane

  6. Jenee, I know Hinn puts on a great show. So does Wayne Newton.

    surcie, love the LaMott quote. Hinn's a freak.

    MJ, yeah, nobody did it better than Sam. His nailing Jesus to the cross routine is hilarious.

  7. I so tune in for entertainment on these shows from time to time... but usually end up getting so angry at the passive-aggressive hatred that's being preached that I have to tune out pretty quickly. I make no secret of the fact that I loathe Pat Robertson, he is one of the least "Christian" people I've ever met or seen.