Monday, March 22, 2010

Mailbag # 11


As with past mailbags these anonymous lines are pulled from the emails I get. Some of my friends need therapy. I, on the other hand, have already had 5 therapists and am completely cured. Only I don't remember from what.


-I stopped blogging altogether when I realized I had nothing else to say. Am now just working up the nerve to stab myself.

-You really are fucking with people, huh.

-I will be experiencing the incredible joy known as purchasing a new toilet. I am getting this environmental model for low-flow water. There are two buttons on the top. You press “1” for number one, and “2” for number two.

-To Anyone Who Apologizes for not posting enough. Don't apologize. Trust me, it's enough.

-Now we have to deal with the sick-fuck violent porn available 24/7. Forgive me, I've been watching Dexter.

-Should my Mom die, I will ask you in advance to restrain yourself from stealing the flowers off her grave.

-My family would get decent money if someone just shot me now.

-P.S. Should we ever be in a situation where I am zapped, breathing but unable to feed myself, please pull the plug.

-and...............who do we hate?

-I'm saving this email for my "when I feel like an asshole" file.

-So, aside from that, Jackie, did you like the parade?

- I keep having moments of nostalgia, then I hear Harmony, or Mister, or the fucking poodle across the street and I resume counting the minutes.

-I was snowed in on Wednesday, my BD, with the kids. Damn it. Yesterday I had no will to live. Today the sun was shining but I had to go to work. I am there now, having a blast. NOT.

-one of my friends at work suggested I let my hair go naturally gray and I almost vomited. When you hear me say that I’m letting my hair go gray/white/whatever, please notify the authorities as it means I require hospitalization.

12 comments:

  1. Funny!

    I must remember to not email you when I am a despairing mood, for fear it finds itself upon your blog.

    Ha!

    I might start emailing you now, a lot, just so I see my words on your blog.

    Is that weird?

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  2. I think you just pitched next season's new reality show.

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  3. When I was a bartender, much like a hairdresser, it was something if you had a following. It meant you could change jobs and still had a customer base.

    Obviously this is your following ( disturbing) and WE will go where ever you do...

    And lady, I might just do a montage of your comments, funny in context-even funnier out of context!
    *for the record none of those comments above are mine :) ( but any given day they could be...)

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  4. Adding to the last email. If I ever decide that chin hairs don't need to be plucked? I've lost it completely and should be quickly and painlessly put out of my misery.

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  5. Anonymous11:43 AM

    S,
    Fun post (not that I recognized anything I ever emailed...)
    Aloha, MJ

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  6. Apropos to nothing concerning this "mailbag" post, I noticed you "Followed Back" my cousin Kelly's blog (http://momsgotblog.blogspot.com/) who happens to be your 307th follower.
    I could not help but wonder if it was solely due to the fact that she is giving away a first aid kit and a $25 visa gift card.
    Both would come in handy after falling on one's face while not wearing underpants.
    XD

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  7. Your readers really ARE sick! Yes, including me. I'm actually very proud of the fact that I'm not normal. And neither am I.

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  8. you have email? :P lol

    word verif: soderat

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  9. I'm gonna have to work harder to make the cut next time.

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  10. I think your'e pretty funny for a comedian! Love your blog!

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  11. reason i ask: email link don't be wirkit! :(

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  12. Yay, I'm still crazy!!!

    Did someone actually write the "Jackie and parade" one? And did I actually laugh out loud?
    yes crazy.

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