As with past mailbags these anonymous lines are pulled from the emails I get. Some of my friends need therapy. I, on the other hand, have already had 5 therapists and am completely cured. Only I don't remember from what.
-I stopped blogging altogether when I realized I had nothing else to say. Am now just working up the nerve to stab myself.
-You really are fucking with people, huh.
-I will be experiencing the incredible joy known as purchasing a new toilet. I am getting this environmental model for low-flow water. There are two buttons on the top. You press “1” for number one, and “2” for number two.
-To Anyone Who Apologizes for not posting enough. Don't apologize. Trust me, it's enough.
-Now we have to deal with the sick-fuck violent porn available 24/7. Forgive me, I've been watching Dexter.
-Should my Mom die, I will ask you in advance to restrain yourself from stealing the flowers off her grave.
-My family would get decent money if someone just shot me now.
-P.S. Should we ever be in a situation where I am zapped, breathing but unable to feed myself, please pull the plug.
-and...............who do we hate?
-I'm saving this email for my "when I feel like an asshole" file.
-So, aside from that, Jackie, did you like the parade?
- I keep having moments of nostalgia, then I hear Harmony, or Mister, or the fucking poodle across the street and I resume counting the minutes.
-I was snowed in on Wednesday, my BD, with the kids. Damn it. Yesterday I had no will to live. Today the sun was shining but I had to go to work. I am there now, having a blast. NOT.
-one of my friends at work suggested I let my hair go naturally gray and I almost vomited. When you hear me say that I’m letting my hair go gray/white/whatever, please notify the authorities as it means I require hospitalization.
-You really are fucking with people, huh.
-I will be experiencing the incredible joy known as purchasing a new toilet. I am getting this environmental model for low-flow water. There are two buttons on the top. You press “1” for number one, and “2” for number two.
-To Anyone Who Apologizes for not posting enough. Don't apologize. Trust me, it's enough.
-Now we have to deal with the sick-fuck violent porn available 24/7. Forgive me, I've been watching Dexter.
-Should my Mom die, I will ask you in advance to restrain yourself from stealing the flowers off her grave.
-My family would get decent money if someone just shot me now.
-P.S. Should we ever be in a situation where I am zapped, breathing but unable to feed myself, please pull the plug.
-and...............who do we hate?
-I'm saving this email for my "when I feel like an asshole" file.
-So, aside from that, Jackie, did you like the parade?
- I keep having moments of nostalgia, then I hear Harmony, or Mister, or the fucking poodle across the street and I resume counting the minutes.
-I was snowed in on Wednesday, my BD, with the kids. Damn it. Yesterday I had no will to live. Today the sun was shining but I had to go to work. I am there now, having a blast. NOT.
-one of my friends at work suggested I let my hair go naturally gray and I almost vomited. When you hear me say that I’m letting my hair go gray/white/whatever, please notify the authorities as it means I require hospitalization.
Funny!
ReplyDeleteI must remember to not email you when I am a despairing mood, for fear it finds itself upon your blog.
Ha!
I might start emailing you now, a lot, just so I see my words on your blog.
Is that weird?
I think you just pitched next season's new reality show.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was a bartender, much like a hairdresser, it was something if you had a following. It meant you could change jobs and still had a customer base.
ReplyDeleteObviously this is your following ( disturbing) and WE will go where ever you do...
And lady, I might just do a montage of your comments, funny in context-even funnier out of context!
*for the record none of those comments above are mine :) ( but any given day they could be...)
Adding to the last email. If I ever decide that chin hairs don't need to be plucked? I've lost it completely and should be quickly and painlessly put out of my misery.
ReplyDeleteS,
ReplyDeleteFun post (not that I recognized anything I ever emailed...)
Aloha, MJ
Apropos to nothing concerning this "mailbag" post, I noticed you "Followed Back" my cousin Kelly's blog (http://momsgotblog.blogspot.com/) who happens to be your 307th follower.
ReplyDeleteI could not help but wonder if it was solely due to the fact that she is giving away a first aid kit and a $25 visa gift card.
Both would come in handy after falling on one's face while not wearing underpants.
XD
Your readers really ARE sick! Yes, including me. I'm actually very proud of the fact that I'm not normal. And neither am I.
ReplyDeleteyou have email? :P lol
ReplyDeleteword verif: soderat
I'm gonna have to work harder to make the cut next time.
ReplyDeleteI think your'e pretty funny for a comedian! Love your blog!
ReplyDeletereason i ask: email link don't be wirkit! :(
ReplyDeleteYay, I'm still crazy!!!
ReplyDeleteDid someone actually write the "Jackie and parade" one? And did I actually laugh out loud?
yes crazy.