Thursday, March 25, 2010

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

You know the day is starting out on dubious footage when you're on the phone with your bank at 5:39 a.m. I'm up early because very shortly the workmen will be arriving in the downstairs apartment. Did you know that you can't paint an apartment unless a boom box is on hand and turned up to Splitting Headache?

Due to blogging and Twitter I've now figured out why I did so poorly in school. I get bored very quickly. If I read one more tweet about what someone made for dinner, is having for lunch or is ordering at a restaurant I will hunt them down and put them out of my misery with a fork and serrated knife.

And blogging? Well I think we all know what I think about this unfortunate hobby. If I wanted to read your diary I would break into your house and steal it. I can't repeat enough that my respect for long term bloggers goes up every year. Because after almost four years there are just so many stories I can tell without taking a razor to my wrists so that I can hopefully blog about it later.

I should jot this down for year five: Make fun of people who attempt suicide.

So here's a thought. If you can't think of something to post? Then DON'T. I promise you it will not be missed. We ALL promise you it will not be missed. If this is your first year of blogging and you think you're fascinating? WAIT UNTIL YEAR 3 WHEN YOU REALIZE YOU'RE NOT.

I'm still obsessed with the Sandra Bullock story.

Did Bullock's friends see or hear things about Jesse and keep their mouths shut? I just hope they don't come to her now and say they didn't like him or trust him and only kept quiet because she seemed so happy. Because by not saying a thing, she ends up humiliated in front of the entire world. Is it better to risk a friend's ire and tell them what you think or better to wait until it's all over and be an "I KNEW it."

Sidebar: Iknewits not to be confused with the Inuits of North America.

After it was all over with The Impotentate friends swarmed me with their hatred for this man. I felt horrible because I still loved him. And we did get back together for a while but I steered clear of the friends who said they didn't like him. One of those people was my sister and yes, I stayed away from her.

One of the funniest tweets I've read recently came from Web Savvy Mom Deb Thaxton: I think the only one happy about Jesse James' affairs is Tiger Woods.

So to all the friends out there who are not telling the truth about what you think of someone's partner or to the friends who are protecting their friendships by keeping their mouths shut, I award you this.

Either way someone loses.


  1. Quite a few if my friends didn't like my ex, but they never said anything. I told them next time they should speak up, because that's what a real friend does - they tell you when they see something wrong, even if they think you won't like it. I'd rather have the honesty...and I thought they knew me better than that.

    I'm in such a mood right now...sigh...fuck it, maybe I'll just go live in a damn cave.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K (who will tell you if she has a problem with your date/boyfriend/SO/sex toy because she trusts you not to lose your damn mind over it)

  2. -->You're so full of surprises! Just when I was was (gulp) thinking that I mentioned eating nachos last night on twitter you tell me I had a funny tweet in the same post.
    If I ever have a good hair day I'm going to take a picture in the Hollywood shirt and send it to you to scare the painters away.

  3. That crazy cheating man just confirms for me that I will never understand the opposite sex. Sigh.

  4. I need to get on the phone with my bank as well.

  5. dave Little11:24 AM

    Look, we're doing our best. We're men. It's sad and it's not a very good excuse but it's reality. All we can do is keep apologizing.

  6. Frankly, after blogging for two years, I have found that I AM NOT VERY INTERESTING EITHER.

    Now, I'm going to eat a FIVE BILLION POUND bag of chips, an extra large loaf of french bread, and try to get the nerve up to try this bulemic thing everyone seems to be talking about.

  7. I guess the Nazi paraphernalia wasn't a big enough red flag

  8. Anonymous4:16 PM

    What Ann said and how come they always cheat with Ho's?

  9. I hear you. I, on the other hand, could spend a week in my glass shower (it's as close as I can get to the glass house and throwing stones thing) with only my iphone for company. I'm just THAT fascinating.

  10. I totally agree! One of my friends once had a boyfriend whom I saw out and about one evening, and we all ended up going back to his house for a party (I had the hots for his buddy), and my friend's boyfriend ended up in his bedroom with an old girlfriend with the door CLOSED AND LOCKED. I reported back to my friend, naturally -- they were ENGAGED -- so I had to. And you know what? He had excuses for it and she believed him, and that was essentially the end of our friendship. I still stand by what I did though. I had to tell her or I couldn't have lived with myself.

    Let that be a lesson to you asshole cheaters. I WILL TELL ON YOU!

  11. Anonymous5:51 PM

    I say, "Cut your losses, Sandra and move on. He's a turd in the toilet bowl of life."

    The Blue RIdge Gal

  12. I don't answer comments in the comments but some of these really made me laugh. Old Dave Little came crawling out of the woodwork to defend the guys and Fragrant Liar is going down with your fucking phone numbers so WATCH OUT.

  13. I don't know if I was just in the mood for a laugh or your twice as hysterical when you wax poetic about cheaters--either way I'm rolling.

    I can think of someone I'd like to go after with a serrated knife today.

  14. I once told a dear friend her boyfriend was sticking his dick in weird places. Like the mouth of her best friend. She bitched me out and continued her relationship with her boyfriend and believed her best friend.

    I bumped into her a couple of years later and asked her about him. He married her best friend but he left her a little souvenir. I think the kid is about 14 now.

  15. dave little8:23 PM

    #1: i'm not that old.
    #2: maybe if you bitches kept blowing us we wouldn't cheat.
    #3: i drink after 6. it is now 10:19
    #4: i like cake.
    #5: i don't normally call ladies' bitches'. and vice versa.
    #6: it is now 10:22

  16. Dave has now visited twice. I know this man and trust me, when he talks about the blowjobs not being sufficient? He's NOT kidding.

  17. Yep. Jesse took a little bit of the heat off of Tiger.

  18. I had a friend who's fiance played around on her, we all knew it. One day a woman, not our friends friend, told her that her fiance was cheating on her.
    My friend blew up at this woman "What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm not an idiot. I know who I'm marrying."
    Sometimes people don't want to see the truth. Or need to see it in their own time. My friend divorced the ass a few years later.

  19. can one ever know if their partner will behave?

  20. are you on facebook?

    still can't access your email, link's busted on your profile... :(

  21. Dear Suzy:

    I'm writing you as I'm making a salad complete with feta cheese, fresh spinach, tomatoes, avocado and croutons....oh, wait and tuna. Anyway,.. Suzy? Suzy? Are you still here?

  22. This comment has been removed by the author.

  23. I was out on a beautiful afternoon and came across a couple that looked so cute in their snuggly world...until I got closer and said to my friend as we passed the couple..."holy shit! that was so-and-so, but that was not his wife!" Now why did I have to go and see that?? I was just enjoying my day.

    My verify word is smarili-is that the Milli-Vinilli way of saying tell your friend that her husband is a lying ass?

    Wish I could write about this on my blog, but I am afraid she would read it. Guess I am a good candidate for the Bite Me award for not saying anything!

  24. I've been taking your advice and not blogging a lot lately.... and you're right, no one gives a crap.

    I've been obsessed with the Sandra Bullock story, too. I feel bad for the kids, who apparently love Sandra. Wonder how that will all play out...?