Friday, March 12, 2010

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

This week I discovered that the brokerage house I did business with, Morgan Stanley, is really just a front for Legalized Assholes. My broker did not realize that "Close my account and send me the money" really meant Close My Account And Send Me The Money. It turns out they did not close it and left $232. in it so that one day I could make my dream purchase of a box of hair.

What was the most Charles DeGaulling was that they then deducted a penalty fine of $35 quarterly because the amount was too low. So how funny is this, if you have $232 in an account and you deduct $35 from it quarterly, you end up with $97. Believing I had already closed it a year ago March I never looked at the statements because I thought it only contained my retirement account. But they had slipped the closed account statement underneath the retirement statement. And oh yes, DID NOT CLOSE IT. How hilarious is THAT?

That guy who flew his plane into the IRS building? I get it. Had he announced this in advance I'm sure we all would have gotten a fleet or a pod or a pride of planes ready to do the same thing only not the bursting into flames and dying part. If the IRS is reading this then I'm only kidding and don't need to be audited because all I have is a box of hair. Unbraided.

I met with my accountant this week and mentioned that I had trashed Morgan Stanley on Twitter. I'm not sure she knew what Twitter was but after she gave me a bill for $422. she got up and went to see her "manager." Not hard to believe that accountants and car dealers work in the same way. She returned with the bill down to $100. I believe the original bill WAS $100 and they jacked it and then reduced it to make them look like givers. They are the Macy's Sale of Money.

Remember this incident?I left the following comment on Jenny the Bloggess's last post about how she stabbed herself with a chicken and talked her husband Victor out of calling an ambulance. If you're not reading the Bloggess you're not reading the funniest person on the Internet. And since you know I think I'm the funniest person on the Internet you realize how hard it is for me to give out that title without a cash incentive. I've tried hating her for being funnier than me but I couldn't and switched my hatred to people who don't understand English and coincidentally work at Morgan Stanley.

Basic Life Support Treatment with Transport: $712.00
Mileage of 3 miles: $47.25

This is the bill I got from the fire department after they told me not to worry as I lay bleeding on the corner of my street. They said there would be no bill. Apparently No Bill means Joke's On You in Firelandia. They put a band aid on the cut. A band aid is not basic Life Support although I may be wrong about that since I didn't go to Med School like firemen do. I'm pretending I never got the bill because I don't exist. They can't prove I do because NO PICTURES OF ME BLEEDING, suckers.

So in honor of the retards I've lost money to this week, here's this award, the fourth entry in the Bite Me Badge Contest I didn't know I was running, done by illustrator David McGrievey.David is a new reader and yet captured the real me and shut up I can hear you smirking.

End of chat.


  1. $712 for a band aid?

    Yeah, let them chase you for it.

    Morgan Stanley appear to be a nest of little con-men. They have gained financially because one of their little dudes didn't do his job properly. Are you going to sue?

  2. (** First! Hehehe ;-) **)

  3. Haha - that's the best badge yet!

  4. Sucktastic! Me likey the badge!

  5. That is a great badge! Funny post too and will check out your suggestions.

  6. Anonymous5:24 AM

    My Mother had money invested with American Express on the advice of my sister who had an account with Amex.
    When my Mother died, I wanted the money as did my brother.
    "Dan the man' as my sister calls this 'financial advisor' [if they are any good, how come they are not rich] sends me a form which I sign and send back.
    Duh, well, he's reinvesting the money in an account in my name.
    More forms, which I actually read this time.
    I get the money.

    And I get a 1099.
    Which tells me that he's reporting it as income to the IRS.

    Lucky for someone, Dan is 257 miles away from me.

    I did not declare it as income on my tax return and am still sweating about an audit seven years later.

    I'm sorry, you got hurt and bled. That's a new all time high price for band aids. Good for you for not paying them.

  7. That's a badge? I thought you always had horns?

  8. Very funny post, woman.

  9. i think they meant THEY were not worried

  10. The thing about bleeding on the street isn't that it wasn't serious. It's that you had the chutzpah to do it in LA. Now, if that shit had gone down in Duluth, TOTALLY different story.

    (And you're right about Jenny. She'd probably even make The Marriage Ref funny. I'm trying to talk her into letting me petition SNL to give her a hosting gig. For obvious reasons. Hello, confidence wig covered in a cat x Andy Samberg's laser cats? TV MAGIC.)

  11. Anonymous12:01 PM

    That's why my guess on the total cost was higher - including transport. Sure the handsome (I hope) firefighters were not charging you for the bandaid, but the trip to the hospital in the ambulance. That's why I urge people who are on the outer islands of Hawaii, "If you are ill, don't go to the hospital, go to the airport and fly back to Honolulu. The air ambulance is one of the most hideously expensive things on the planet. Hope it gets better.
    Aloha, MJ

  12. that's why i keep my money in a sock, under my mattress, all $2.00!

  13. I like the badge...need to find ways to earn this!!

  14. Love love love the badge.

    So where's the box of hair? Or is that a personal question?

  15. It sounds like it might be dangerous if you and The Bloggess ever end up in the same room.

  16. You know I think Morgan Stanley was the kid in junior high that we put the "kick me" sign on. That and he used to get atomic wedgies too. Yep pretty sure.

  17. Don't even think of checking your credit report in the future. I just did and what was on there?

    A $550 charge for an ambulance some dim-wit waitress called when my husband was hyperventilating. Things would have gone down differently if I had been there!

  18. Listen, you take that bill to the firemen and ask them of they accept other forms of payment. That's how I "paid" for most of my drinks in my twenties.

  19. I'd have to have some F with my band aid for that price. You should have gotten some C.

    Just sayin'...



  20. I'd sell you a band-aid for $100. It's a bargain comparatively.

  21. I wanted to withdraw all the cash in my checking and savings account at Great American Bank back in the '80's. But the branch I was in told me I couldn't withdraw *all* the funds unless I closed the account - bank policy, you had to leave enough in there to pay the monthly fees. I said, ok, close the account, then. They said I had to go to a different branch to do that. However, all the other branches were closed because it was Saturday and this one was the only one with special Saturday hours. I asked how they could possibly *not* be able to *close* an account? They had no answer. Finally I told them that it's my money, not theirs, and unless they wanted to be arrested for stealing my money, and sued for conversion, they should give it to me that minute. Amazingly, they figured out that they had forms available for closing the account, which could be faxed to the other branch on Monday without much trouble at all.

    Why do these money-grubbing bastards think they can keep your money when you've told them you want *all* of it back?

    Where does Morgan Stanley get off keeping your $35 quarterly fees when they had no authority to even have any of your money?!?

  22. Anonymous8:55 AM

    You know who else is funnier than you? Allie at Hyperbole and a Half. Check that out.

  23. Awesome. Funny story, my Alma Mater is trying to charge me $1250 for a semester of school that I never had. They have sent me about a dozen threatening letters and just gave it over to a collections agency. It's really awesome. I'm not sure how they can charge me for classes I didn't take. I'm super confused.

  24. Anonymous11:09 AM

    It has been my experience that anyone named Anonymous is someone to be avoided. They never write a kind word and usually have kidnapped your dog or made you aware of some personal hygiene problem that you need to attend to.
    I also avoid any person named Candy, especially if they are male.
    A well wisher

  25. I don't understand how it's physically possible to stab yourself with a chicken, it boggles the mind.

  26. It sounds like it might be dangerous if you and The Bloggess ever end up in the same room.
    Work From Home

  27. You're still the funniest to me. I don't read the Bloggess, yet.
    Those bastard fire fighters. Next time you bring doughnuts, lace them with something, then see who needs the band-aids.
    Ok, that didn't make any sense, but I know I'm not as funny as you.

  28. I feel your burn. I don't trust my investment money with anyone, much less MS.