This week I discovered that the brokerage house I did business with, Morgan Stanley, is really just a front for Legalized Assholes. My broker did not realize that "Close my account and send me the money" really meant Close My Account And Send Me The Money. It turns out they did not close it and left $232. in it so that one day I could make my dream purchase of a box of hair.
What was the most Charles DeGaulling was that they then deducted a penalty fine of $35 quarterly because the amount was too low. So how funny is this, if you have $232 in an account and you deduct $35 from it quarterly, you end up with $97. Believing I had already closed it a year ago March I never looked at the statements because I thought it only contained my retirement account. But they had slipped the closed account statement underneath the retirement statement. And oh yes, DID NOT CLOSE IT. How hilarious is THAT?
That guy who flew his plane into the IRS building? I get it. Had he announced this in advance I'm sure we all would have gotten a fleet or a pod or a pride of planes ready to do the same thing only not the bursting into flames and dying part. If the IRS is reading this then I'm only kidding and don't need to be audited because all I have is a box of hair. Unbraided.
I met with my accountant this week and mentioned that I had trashed Morgan Stanley on Twitter. I'm not sure she knew what Twitter was but after she gave me a bill for $422. she got up and went to see her "manager." Not hard to believe that accountants and car dealers work in the same way. She returned with the bill down to $100. I believe the original bill WAS $100 and they jacked it and then reduced it to make them look like givers. They are the Macy's Sale of Money.
Remember this incident?I left the following comment on Jenny the Bloggess's last post about how she stabbed herself with a chicken and talked her husband Victor out of calling an ambulance. If you're not reading the Bloggess you're not reading the funniest person on the Internet. And since you know I think I'm the funniest person on the Internet you realize how hard it is for me to give out that title without a cash incentive. I've tried hating her for being funnier than me but I couldn't and switched my hatred to people who don't understand English and coincidentally work at Morgan Stanley.
Basic Life Support Treatment with Transport: $712.00
Mileage of 3 miles: $47.25
This is the bill I got from the fire department after they told me not to worry as I lay bleeding on the corner of my street. They said there would be no bill. Apparently No Bill means Joke's On You in Firelandia. They put a band aid on the cut. A band aid is not basic Life Support although I may be wrong about that since I didn't go to Med School like firemen do. I'm pretending I never got the bill because I don't exist. They can't prove I do because NO PICTURES OF ME BLEEDING, suckers.
So in honor of the retards I've lost money to this week, here's this award, the fourth entry in the Bite Me Badge Contest I didn't know I was running, done by illustrator David McGrievey.David is a new reader and yet captured the real me and shut up I can hear you smirking.
End of chat.