Monday, March 29, 2010

How You Can Tell If A Dog Likes You

This is Boris the Bernese Mountain Dog. He weighs 120 pounds even though his owner says he weighs 80 pounds. Why lie about how much your dog weighs? It's not like Boris is in Weight Watcher's and hoping to eventually squeeze into a size 4.He loves my sister so much that when she runs into Boris and his owners, Boris breaks away and runs straight for Lindy, raises up on his hind legs and with his full 6 foot frame tries to knock her over. She thinks it's funny. I think it's a lawsuit.

If Boris likes you he'll walk up from behind and shove his snout in between your legs. He uses you like a cheap revolving door. If he were wearing a saddle I could see the advantage in this action but instead? I think it's a lawsuit.

Boris is as gentle as a lamb, although that's an expression no one can really verify as most of us did not grow up with a lamb and for all we know lambs are nasty, evil little biters. That nursery rhyme about Mary, "He followed her to school one day, school one day, school one day" should have been a tip off that he was trouble. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MARY THE LAMB IS LOOSE. I don't know why we hide the truth from kids. One day they're going to grow up and try to pet a lamb and probably die.

After I spent a few hours at my sister's, Boris stuck his snout in between my legs and tried to get through. It was the closest I'd been to sex in a while so I didn't really mind. I just hope he used protection.

My foot. His paw. My foot is the one on the left.

27 comments:

  1. Anonymous12:25 PM

    Hilarious!
    Aloha, MJ

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  2. Hilarious, Anonymous? I think not. This post was an obvious cry for help, and you are laughing at her. You should be ashamed.

    I read the part about the lamb to my kids and now they're crying. Thanks a lot, Suzy. You should be ashamed, too.

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  3. Disregard my comment above... I was trying to see what it feels like to be one of those benighted commenters that takes everything seriously.

    It was like an out-of-body experience, only weirder...

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  4. Great post as usual Suzy. I can't always comment because your site is blocked for me at work...all those curse words I guess lol. Don't forget to go enter my giveaway! Hope you are doing well! I broke up with my boyfriend and am looking forward to the summer! Kori xoxo

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  5. I want one of the puppies.

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  6. I've had that experience before, the snout in the grout move. But even more convincing that a dog liked me was when one circled me as I sat on the grass, then went behind me and lifted his leg. Of course, I wanted to return the sentiment, but he shot out of there fast when he saw the reds of my eyes.

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  7. Boris is so handsome! He reminds me of my Buck, he's ginormous too.
    And Buck likes to put his nose between legs too.

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  8. So do you think he'll call you in the morning?

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  9. (drums ba da bum bum) Gladys that is hilarious!!!

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  10. Now you should get a shot of Boris wearing your fabulous boots. Looks like they'd fit!

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  11. Yeah, that's just the sort that can be used on a line-up of women as a Menstruation Detector. If you couldn't tell any other way, which you can.

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  12. mary had a little lamb... and the doctor fainted :P lol

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  13. So cute! I love big dogs, but, yeah, there's always the threat of a lawsuit when they get around other people.

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  14. I've learned not to bend over in my nightgown in the mornings! Instead of a Boris, I have a Lola

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  15. Beautiful dog; I would say "beautiful" until he's all up in my business, then I'd give him the evil eye and he'd accuse me of being a tease. Ah, well.

    Do you have tiny feet or what?

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  16. As a kid, I was pretty sure that I was supposed to be quite contrary, and have a pet (or stalker) lamb, because I, like half the girls at my (Catholic) school was named Mary. I have succeeded all my life at the contrary part. No progress yet on finding a fluffy stalker.

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  17. That deceptively winsome dog is in fact a trained member of the ATF, otherwise known as The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. Agent Boris is merely sniffing for concealed packs of Newport Menthol 100's, weapons, inserted airplane vodka bottles, and the secret formula for Beggin' Strips.
    Boris whispers his report to his superior, Cesar Millan, on a daily basis at the dumpster behind The Ivy.
    Boris is a hard working highly paid professional, if it is cheap thrills your looking for, I know many unemployed gerbils who have not worked since the late eighties.

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  18. My precocious wards, Buffy, Jodie and Mrs. Beasly want to know why that dog is wearing a shoe in that close up photo.
    Brian Keith tried to explain but he mumbles and none of us understood a word he said.

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  19. OMG! Did you take my comment down?

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  20. Our 130 lb rottweiler does the snout routine too. He wears a size 10 by the way.

    Di

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  21. My favorite was RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MARY

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  22. Now THAT is a dog! My neighborhood is full of Chihuahuas! I do not think they should be allowed to be called dogs!

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  23. Boris is gorgeous! Though I don't like people sticking stuff between my legs ;-)

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  24. Down big man. I like a dog that doesn't need a purse and coat to go outside.

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  25. how sad that I'm jealous.

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