It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

When I was a kid I asked my parents over and over if there was any possibility that we could be Jewish. I have no idea why I asked them but I really wanted to be Jewish. And adopted. Surely these two cretins could not be my biological parents.

Religion was not a big deal in our house. Mom dragged me and Lindy to mass every Sunday where I sat and muttered under my breath how much I hated her church.

She wanted to become a nun when she was 17 and Dad was an alter boy at his church. Although in the above picture he looks like an alter man.

Religion didn't stick on any of us. I left home at 17 and that was the end of all church going activities in our family. Lindy got out of it 2 years earlier THANKS TO ME. Today we can't even sit in a church and listen without eye rolling each other. We wish people got married at bars. Or maybe a nice seafood restaurant down by the beach.

Dad always insisted that his side of the family was Scottish. No Jews.

Our Dad was a notorious pack rat. It took me 3 years to wade through his papers and possessions after he died. I removed this book from the apartment in Florida. It looked old so I figured I should take it. You know, so I could start my own hoarding traditions. The book is called Life of Washington by the Hon. J.T. Headley.

It was published in 1860, the year I was born. Inside is the name Walter Kummerer, neatly and artistically written in black ink. From something called an inkwell, for all you Justin Bieber fans.

After I found the book I asked my mother if she remembered the last name of my grandmother. She replied that it was Kauffman. I said I thought Dad's mom was Scottish but mom insisted on the name Kauffman.

So I went through our family tree and discovered that my great, great, great grandmother was named Kauffman. Her daughter married a Kummerer and their daughter married a Scot.

So my mom was right. Only she got the last name of my grandmother wrong. How did she know the great, great, great grandmother's name but not the immediate grandmother's name?

As everyone who reads me knows by now, I believe in reincarnation. I believe Mom remembered the name because she was part of that family in a former life. There is no other explanation. I'd say she had a great memory but she recently went to Greece and gave me the wrong departure date. And arrival back in Paris date. And then blamed it all on me.

When I was 5 years old I used to say that I wanted to go to California to see Cindy and Cincy. My parents always asked me who they were and I would always reply: Cindy and Cincy. Like my parents were the two dumbest people in the world.

While my Dad was alive I looked over our family tree one evening and discovered that a woman named Cinzie, real name Christina, had been in our family and died in the early 1900's. I clearly met her on the other side. Because who in the hell ever heard of someone named Cinzie?

I dedicate this Friday's Bite Me post to organized religion because I never knew I was part Jewish and I'm sure it's the Pope's fault.

End of chat.

L.A. Sign Of The Times #60

And The Winner Is!

Next week will be too busy for me to do the final shoe giveaway so I'm just going to give them to a reader who entered the previous 3 giveaways and didn't win but kept on trying. I like people who don't give up. So congratulations PAM!! I hope you like pink shoes!! (send me your snail mail)

This week's winner is one of my favorite readers, Jenn, and I couldn't be happier that she won those lime green Steve Maddens. She is ALL about the pedicure and on her blog she often puts pictures of her Girl Meetups and the shoes they wear.

So here are the pink shoes. They've never been worn! Of the 4 pairs of shoes I've given away, it's really hard for me to believe I never even wore two of them and only wore the other two a few times. I went through my closet and found 2 pair that I haven't worn in a long time but found I could wear now. They have thicker heels and I'm resigned to the fact that I can't be fashionable in shoes anymore. I could have worse problems.

Third Wednesday Shoe Giveaway!

First of all, I'm the Funny Not Slutty of the week. Because I talk about all the plastic surgery I've had. What other blogger is stupid brave enough to do that?

While you're over there snickering about my former face, join their network of women in comedy.

This week I'm giving away a pair of Steve Madden patent leather lime green slip-ons. There's a zipper across the top because I'm a big fan of zippers.
See? Acrylic Zipper-Encased black bracelet, Target $12.95. (Why don't they open a Target in my apartment?) I love Steve Madden shoes** and although I only wore these two or three times, I especially loved them as I like things that are different. I don't like to blend in. I use Beige as a swear word.

Leave a comment saying you want the shoes, along with your email, no links please. Or you can find my email under my profile on the sidebar and send me your email. How many more times can I work the word email into this paragraph? Apparently one more time.

On top of not being able to wear my 4 inch heels, I can't wear any heel that is too thin. I have my ankle surgery to blame for all this and it's not a big problem and I hate to even complain about something so small but if I wasn't whining and bitching, you wouldn't even be reading this blog.

Admit it, you know that's true.

You have until 6 pm Thursday July 8th to enter. I'll use a randomizer to choose the winner and announce it a few minutes after 6. You have one week to claim your prize. Good luck!

End of chat.

**(The marks you see on the inside of the right shoe are just the camera.)

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

I haven't done a Bite Me post in a while. I started them in February of 2008 and have written 103 of them. They came about because in 2000, I was dating a man who I've referred to in this blog as Elvis. He didn't live in Los Angeles because to quote my dad, "If there's an easy way to do something and a hard way, you'll always pick the hard way."

One day I was particularly annoyed. The local supermarket had moved the sushi display to the other side of the store without telling me and I had wandered from aisle to aisle looking for the crew from Punk'd. Later I called Elvis and said, "Well, it's everybody can bite me Tuesday!"

He laughed.

When I started this series I changed the day to Friday because Friday just sounds more badass than the sad and sickly Tuesday. So here we go. Number 104.

The drama in my building continues. The manager, the one who turned this complex into an Amphibian Park, was fired two weeks ago. The tenant who complained about her the most went around with a petition that said she was unjustly fired. He bypassed my apartment because he did not want to die young.

We used to have 8 dogs in 6 apartments. Frogs and Lizards, my name for the manager, put in 4 more dogs so after we finally got rid of 4 (2 of which didn't bark at all) we're now at 8 dogs in 5 APARTMENTS. (Did anyone get lost in that math problem?)

Did I mention Frogs and Lizards is partially deaf? Being deaf is not a big deal, but when people in 20 apartments have to talk to you and you can't hear a thing? Kind of a big deal. For 3 months she refused to put her name on the intercom as the manager. Since I had been interim manager for the month of February, my name remained and my doorbell rang constantly. Luckily it's hooked up to the phone and I have caller ID so I never picked up when the front door rang. After I complained for 3 months, during which time Frogs and Lizards accused me of tampering with the intercom code and not telling anyone what the new one was, Upper Management got her to replace my name with hers.

Tampering with the intercom code? Seriously, I know I don't look that busy on any given day but are you kidding me?

If you're one of those individuals who can't leave your house without a phone and must be tethered to it at all times, have you noticed that everyone who lives in my building is an asshole? No? Why? Because you were on the phone.

An iPhone in LA costs $1200 a year to operate. Apple will keep churning out new ones until they have sucked every last penny from your bank account. Along with ATT they're laughing all the way to the bank. They may even own the bank at this point. T w e l v e h u n d r e d d o l l a r s.

Today I was talking to Verizon and they said I was eligible for an upgrade to a DVR. The salesperson launched into all the perks of DVR ownership. Not ownership. LENDERSHIP. It pauses and replays live shows. It tapes shows and all this goodness will only set me back $240 dollars a year, $10 a month for the box and $7.99 a month for the service. So for $240 dollars a year I get to pause and replay a live show. And for an extra $1200 I can call you on my iPhone and tell you about it.

This weekend is always nostalgic for me. July 4th was my parent's wedding anniversary. They were married for 29 years. They should have been married for about 12. Our name means *stubborn* in German. Mom married one more time after Dad and Dad married 2 more times after Mom. Our name also means *unlucky-in-love* in Swedish.

10 years ago this holiday I spent the best 3 day weekend of my life. With Elvis. The best sex, the most love and laughter, the most connected I'd ever been to any man before or since. The next morning, when he asked me if I remembered when he picked me up and threw me on the bed, after we did it on the floor, I looked at him and said in a dreamy voice, "Ummmmmmmm."

"You don't remember that, do you?"

"Not at all."

This week's award goes to Apartment Managers everywhere. For not remembering that the most important part of your job is to keep your tenants happy FIRST. Not to put lizards in the lobby.

End of chat.

Is It Warm In Here Or Is It Just A Hot Flash Going Off?

The Universe is punishing me for being lazy. After mentioning in my last post that YOU HAD TO LEAVE YOUR EMAIL IN THE COMMENT ITSELF SO THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TO TRACK IT DOWN IN YOUR BLOG, the one person who did not do that - ALICE - won the bloody shoes!!

(Email me, Alice, and send me your snail mail so I can send you the shoes. I'm not really mad.) (Much)

Anyway, next week? Another pair of shoes.

***********

I love the creativity of all you Teeshirters. It's July and I finally gots me a man!

Casey Freeland can be found writing over here. Or catch up with him on Facebook. He's been a faithful reader and for that alone he should get an award. Oh wait, he did. MY TEESHIRT!

If you want a month's free advertising on my sidebar, just buy a shirt. And even though that doesn't make the advertising free, it's almost free because really, $20.00 for an entire month?

And to think I'm fighting with the state of California because they think I have a job and make money off it. Yeah, $240 a year is a windfall, California. Better get on that Taxing Trolley and roll down my way. You can't miss me; I'm the one living on the sidewalk. With a sign that says:

"Will Blog for Nothing. Oh Wait, I Already Am."

Even though I don't drink I feel drunk.

Second Pair Of Shoes Giveaway!

Free to a good home!

I have an identical pair of Westies in camel with a wooden heel, 8M. I think I may have worn them twice, probably once, as the sole is lightly scuffed but the rest of the shoe is pristine. The instep of the left one appears dirty but it's not. It looks that way because I suck at taking color pictures.

Same deal as before. Leave a comment and MENTION you want the shoes. The contest is open until 6 pm Thursday.

Leave your email in the comments if you don't know how to enable it in your blog platform. If there's no email you can't be entered as I'm not going to chase you down on your blog. I'm lazy, remember?

Check back on Thursday after 6 for the winner. You have one week to claim your prize.

L.A. Sign Of The Times #59

And you thought you had trouble throwing things out? I found this Christmas tree yesterday over in Beachwood Canyon.

And for those of you playing along with the home game, it's June.

And The Winner Of The First Wednesday Shoe Giveaway Is

You read that title right. The first winner. I've decided to give away shoes for the next three Wednesdays. I'm not going to wear them and I'm tired of seeing them languish in the closet eating me out of house and home.

Which p.s. is one of the most ridiculous sayings in the English language. Aren't house and home the same thing? Or how about Niecy Nash saying "Hand over foot" on Clean House when the expression is "Hand over fist?" Or how about the ridiculous Butt Naked instead of the actual phrase, Buck Naked? I know, I know, shut up and deal.

And yes, I watch Clean House. Now you shut up and deal.

There were a total of 16 entries, out of 27 comments total, for the black and white Westies.

I listed them in the order in which they were left. Then I set up a randomizer and the lucky winner is number 9, Amberdawn! (Send me your snail mail; my email is in my profile. Also? I really want to call you Deltadawn and dear God in heaven I hope you're old enough to get that reference)

But there are 3 more Wednesdays of free shoes during which time the shipping and handling will probably wipe me out but don't worry your pretty little heads about that since I AM RICH. (Affirmation of the day)

And if you win a pair, you cannot enter again because I'm a big fat meanie.

I've always believed that the more you give, the better you feel. So if you're in a position to give, please do. Take those shoes and turn them into a thousand pairs of shoes. Start a school in Africa to teach deserving shoes that can't afford a decent education. Send those shoes to BP with a note: Kick your own fucking asses, morons.

Your friend,

Oprah Winfrey

A Shoe Giveaway! UPDATED

I forgot to make a cutoff time/date for the shoes. My body's up but my brain has remained in bed. ANYWAY, I'll cut it off at 6pm Thursday June 24th.

Right before my ankle surgery I bought these shoes. I didn't know I needed the surgery or I wouldn't have bought them. They're black and white with a silver circle on the thicker strap.

They're made by Westies, size 8M and I have no idea why the picture below looks so weird.

They have a 4 inch heel and as you can see, they've never been worn. Thanks ankle!

I'm giving them away. If you want them, leave me a comment telling me you want them. If you leave a comment that doesn't mention that you WANT the shoes I will assume you don't want them.

I will have one of those randomizer things pick the winner (assuming there's more than 2 requests) but it's only fair to tell you I have no idea how that randomizer works or where to get one or why I even bother to get up in the morning.

Already this giveaway is more complicated than I planned. You have one week to claim your prize!

End of chat.

My Summer Reading List. Only Not Really.

I grew up in a house that had a library and parents who said that if you didn't read you were doomed to a life of idiocy and shame. They also said that I shouldn't hang out with boys because boys were evil and only wanted one thing from a girl.

Shows you how much they knew.

I often try to disguise my books as something else. This tall case houses my microphone collection. I'm a standup comic, maybe you were expecting porcelain figurines instead? But those microphones are really just there to hide my 109 books about comedy.

Here I've used an assortment of vintage cars to camouflage the books. But I only started buying the cars to hide the books. Yes, I know I have a problem.

I stash my books over, under and in everything.

I pretend I need books in the kitchen:

As many books as I have, I'm still amazed at some of my purchases. For example, this one: But then I came to this chapter and said, "Oh yeah, now I remember."

This one's a no-brainer:
Now I can recognize all the pills I pick up on the floors of my friends' homes. And from their medicine cabinets. And sometimes from going through their purses. Which reminds me, please stop taking all the pills in your prescription. You're making it that much harder on me. When someone writes a book about you, you really do have to buy it:

The 3 easy steps to living longer could be eating ice cream, robbing banks and laying on the couch only I'll never know because I've never even opened this one:

If you do want a good summer read pick up If You Knew Suzy by Wall Street Journalist Katherine Rosman. It's unputdownable which, if it's not a real word, should be.

Well, I'm off to take 25% off Dad's gift. Thanks for noticing he died 10 years ago, Internet.

And also? 76% off Summer domain sales!!

And 40% off the new Stephenie Meyer book. Well, maybe I won't do that last one.

L.A. Sign of the Times #58

I took this picture back in 2008. Possibly 2007. I just recently figured out how to get it out of my cell phone and onto my computer.

Obviously I don't have an iPhone. Or any kind of smartphone. I'd say it was a dumbphone but was it really the phone's fault that I couldn't send a picture to myself?

I think not.