I haven't done a Bite Me post in a while. I started them in February of 2008 and have written 103 of them. They came about because in 2000, I was dating a man who I've referred to in this blog as Elvis. He didn't live in Los Angeles because to quote my dad, "If there's an easy way to do something and a hard way, you'll always pick the hard way."
One day I was particularly annoyed. The local supermarket had moved the sushi display to the other side of the store without telling me and I had wandered from aisle to aisle looking for the crew from Punk'd. Later I called Elvis and said, "Well, it's everybody can bite me Tuesday!"
When I started this series I changed the day to Friday because Friday just sounds more badass than the sad and sickly Tuesday. So here we go. Number 104.
The drama in my building continues. The manager, the one who turned this complex into an Amphibian Park, was fired two weeks ago. The tenant who complained about her the most went around with a petition that said she was unjustly fired. He bypassed my apartment because he did not want to die young.
We used to have 8 dogs in 6 apartments. Frogs and Lizards, my name for the manager, put in 4 more dogs so after we finally got rid of 4 (2 of which didn't bark at all) we're now at 8 dogs in 5 APARTMENTS. (Did anyone get lost in that math problem?)
Did I mention Frogs and Lizards is partially deaf? Being deaf is not a big deal, but when people in 20 apartments have to talk to you and you can't hear a thing? Kind of a big deal. For 3 months she refused to put her name on the intercom as the manager. Since I had been interim manager for the month of February, my name remained and my doorbell rang constantly. Luckily it's hooked up to the phone and I have caller ID so I never picked up when the front door rang. After I complained for 3 months, during which time Frogs and Lizards accused me of tampering with the intercom code and not telling anyone what the new one was, Upper Management got her to replace my name with hers.
Tampering with the intercom code? Seriously, I know I don't look that busy on any given day but are you kidding me?
If you're one of those individuals who can't leave your house without a phone and must be tethered to it at all times, have you noticed that everyone who lives in my building is an asshole? No? Why? Because you were on the phone.
An iPhone in LA costs $1200 a year to operate. Apple will keep churning out new ones until they have sucked every last penny from your bank account. Along with ATT they're laughing all the way to the bank. They may even own the bank at this point. T w e l v e h u n d r e d d o l l a r s.
Today I was talking to Verizon and they said I was eligible for an upgrade to a DVR. The salesperson launched into all the perks of DVR ownership. Not ownership. LENDERSHIP. It pauses and replays live shows. It tapes shows and all this goodness will only set me back $240 dollars a year, $10 a month for the box and $7.99 a month for the service. So for $240 dollars a year I get to pause and replay a live show. And for an extra $1200 I can call you on my iPhone and tell you about it.
This weekend is always nostalgic for me. July 4th was my parent's wedding anniversary. They were married for 29 years. They should have been married for about 12. Our name means *stubborn* in German. Mom married one more time after Dad and Dad married 2 more times after Mom. Our name also means *unlucky-in-love* in Swedish.
10 years ago this holiday I spent the best 3 day weekend of my life. With Elvis. The best sex, the most love and laughter, the most connected I'd ever been to any man before or since. The next morning, when he asked me if I remembered when he picked me up and threw me on the bed, after we did it on the floor, I looked at him and said in a dreamy voice, "Ummmmmmmm."
"You don't remember that, do you?"
"Not at all."
This week's award goes to Apartment Managers everywhere. For not remembering that the most important part of your job is to keep your tenants happy FIRST. Not to put lizards in the lobby.
End of chat.