Friday, November 30, 2007

The Results Show

Financial guru Suze Orman was on Oprah recently. One woman in the audience stood up to say that she was at the end of her rope. Her husband had left her because of all their debt, she lost their house and she and her children had been put out on the streets. She was crying.

What did Suze say? Something soothing about how brave she was and that she wasn't a loser and that she could climb out of her debt. After my doctor explained what was wrong, mainly that I needed pins put into my ankle to fuse my foot because all the cartilage had disappeared, I gamely asked: "So it's bad?" I was really hoping that he had caught that episode of Oprah.

"It's bad." He said.

He said it was probably brought on by some sort of trauma. How much trauma does a foot have in the average week? Am I randomly kicking the shit out of trees when I walk around? Dropping bowling balls on it when I go bowling, which is never? Immersing it into a vat of cement and then using a jackhammer to fish it out? What the FUCK?

The recovery is 3 months. On crutches. Or a scooter, the doctor helpfully pointed out. I told him I lived on the second floor of a non-elevator building and how was I going to go up and down the stairs on a scooter and he said I should go up and down on my ass. Well, problem solved then.

Basically I'm going to have to steal a cart from Target and ride it around Los Angeles. Or learn how to walk on my head.

On the drive home I kept telling myself, "Shut up, it's not cancer. Stop crying, it's not life-threatening. Quit your whining, there will be pain pills and a handicapped sign involved."

And I will get to wear my pony skin boots again.

And no, my spectacular shoe collection had nothing to do with the state of my ankle. The state of my bank account, yes.

Thanks to everyone who emailed me and I'm sorry I didn't get back to you. I was literally speechless for about 8 hours after my appointment and if you know me, you realize that's actually one of the signs of the Apocalypse.

End of chat.


  1. MereCat2:16 PM

    Oh bless you! I appreciate your thoughts about how things could be worse, but when your mobility is compromised, it is very upsetting. People take for granted mobility until they don't have it. The good news is that after the 3 months, your mobility should improve over what it is even now. Hang in there. I'm thinking about you.

  2. Thanks merecat.

  3. That truly sucks.At least you know now what the problem is. It is good you were able to look on the bright side too and I would say wearing those boots is definately a bright side. Most people feel much better after having their joints repaired and another thing to look forward to are the pain killers the docs will prescribe.

  4. Anonymous4:57 PM

    Well Suzy, I think the best thing all of us (your friends) can do is have you determine which of the parcel systems (FedEx, UPS, DHL, etc.) has the most attractive and kind delivery personnel, then we will send you food, books, computer gizmos -- whatever you need. Hang in there, kiddo,
    Martha Jane

  5. gm, yes, that is the only silver lining. Although I'm not a fan of pain killers because I'm always afraid I'll get addicted.

    mj, thanks.

  6. For crap's sake Suzy!

    Get over here so that I can give you a big ole hug ... oops!! SORRY!!! I didn't mean to step on your damned foot!!! HONEST!!! STOP SCREAMING!! I SAID I'M SORRY!!

  7. I had reconstructive knee surgery a few year back. Recovery time was 3 months non-weight bearing on my leg, then gradually increasing.

    Sista, I feel your pain.

    The Best Parts: The Gimpy Tag. This will enable you rock star parking at most establishments such as stores, restaurants, and roller rinks. Also the pain meds. Just remember to take something in addition to the narcs or you'll be blogging about your constipation problem.

    I worked in orthopedics for almost 8 years. Big word of advice, see a physical therapist BEFORE your surgery so they can show you how to manage those stairs.

    If you have any questions, feel free to shoot me an email. Good luck and may the schwartz be with you.

  8. Anonymous9:39 AM

    Dan, eveeeerrrrrrrryone's a comedian.

    Heather, thanks for the tip on the therapy. I hear knee surgery is a bitch so I'm glad you came through it all right.

  9. I just signed in as anonymous. Apparently I don't know I exist.

  10. Anonymous12:54 PM

    Wow! You are right, "it's not cancer." Keep your chin up and hire a guy to gently lift you carry you up and down the stairs.


  11. You might need to get one of those Gateway scooters, remember the one's that were going to change the world? Did that happen? Hope your recovery time is short. Does Suze pronounce her name Suzy? I'm glad you go with the Y. I don't care for the E.

  12. abeyta, I was hoping you would be the one to do that.

    Al, Suze pronounces it Suzy, she's just all fancy.

  13. Well at least you'll get free parking where ever you use the handicap sign (usually). Good luck. Heres to small blessings along the way. Sounds awful.

  14. Surcie7:03 AM

    If you end up with one of those hoveround things, I want pictures! ; ) Poor thing. You have every right to be upset. But at least it sounds like your ankle will recover. Hopefully the time will go by faster than you think. Meanwhile, milk it for all it's worth. I think this merits gifts from friends and loved ones, don't you?

  15. Anonymous7:41 AM

    Anne, yeah, there's nothing better in LA than a handicapped sign, trust me on that one.

    Surcie, I hadn't thought about gifts before but NOW I am...


  16. Perhaps you could have a fleet of nubile young men carry you about in a litter Cleopatra style?

  17. eileen, nubile young men, always a good thing with me.

  18. suz-As usual I cant think of anything funny. Good luck.

  19. sheesh- good luck with all this from when you got his with a car? good grief. I'm sorry girl.

  20. Jane, no it wasn't from getting hit by the car, it's just all from my scoliosis, which I had as a kid.

    Mickeys, believe me, I'm looking for the humor in it every second I can...

  21. Dang, girl! I'm late to the party here but that doesn't mean that my sympathies are any less genuine! (No, really - they are!) I'm seriously sorry that your ankle truly is messed up but also very happy that it's fixable. I broke an ankle a few years ago and at least your knee isn't immobilized when you fuck up an ankle. Negotiating stairs with Chester's leg is NOT fun!

    I'm in the "Nubile young masculine Suzy carriers" camp, BTW.

    (And why do I keep hearing the Beach Boys singing "I Get Around" in the background?)